Gratitude

Tonight at my addiction recovery meeting we discussed step 2 which is Hope. Heavenly Father provides tender mercies to us to show us how much He cares and is watching over us. Listening and chatting with the sisters afterwards I realized how grateful I truly am for my life. I have a great life. I and my family are healthy. We have a home to live in. My husband has a job, a minimum wage job, but a job nonetheless. We have the Gospel. We have testimonies of Heavenly Fathers love for us. We are truly blessed and watched over. We have trials, yes but we are happy and moving forward with our life. A sister tonight gave a great analogy. She said that we are like sailboats, to move forward in the right direction we must have a little wind pushing us. I loved that. Sometimes we may feel as though it is a hurricane pushing us but keep enduring. Keep fighting. Keep loving and trusting. Heavenly Father is aware of you. He will send you tender mercies to give you hope and strength. He loves you. I know He loves me. I love my Heavenly Father and truly thank Him for providing for my needs and wants even during my hurricane winds of my husbands pornography addiction.

So True

www.bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151 This is an amazing blog post. Truly eye opening. May we all be a little kinder to those around us and receive a little more kindness for what we battle secretly each day.

Another Resource

A fellow wife has started a blog! www.bestrongbeconfident.blogspot.com I do not know her personally but am amazed by her story and inspiration. Please feel free to follow her new blog. I thank all you women who read these and those who write them. We truly strengthen each other with our thoughts and emotions. I hope my blog and the others on my side reel can be a support in your healing.

Softened Heart

My heart aches for the pain I see in my friends going through this pornography addiction recovery. They have done nothing wrong yet they are still aching and suffering without anyone knowing. Their hearts and souls are broken and there is no medication big enough or fast enough to heal it. Can you imagine? Yes, you can imagine. You can imagine because you are either here or you have been here recently. When I was in my first stages of severe agony and heart break I was almost dysfunctional. Really. I cried much of my days and my kids were not being provided for as they should. I read an article in the Ensign about 'Choosing Happiness'. (I've posted about this previously).  I decided that day that even though my life felt out of control and unfair that I could choose to be happy. I chose to soften my heart towards my husband. I chose to push away the thoughts of what he had done. I chose to respect him and love him again. I chose to serve him and be served by him again. Ultimately I chose to love the good man that I knew he was behind this addiction. The days following did not become perfect and I still cry from time to time. However, I am happy. I love him and respect him. I have chosen to trust him. I know this is difficult for many but I have found that it is much less stressful to trust than to speculate every movement, breath, and action he makes. I am not responsible for his actions past, present, or future. I am not responsible for his decisions and I cannot change him no matter how hard I try. I am however responsible for my own actions. For my own feelings and thoughts. For the way I treat him and others around me. I am responsible for taking care of myself and my family. By choosing to be happy and softening my heart towards my husband who is trying his best I have found peace. I have been able to love myself and love him again. I support and respect the man that he is. He is trying. Your husband is trying. Encourage them. Be proud of them. Choose to be happy for his willingness to try. Choose to be happy for the many blessings that you do have. Choose to serve your husband and the Lord will bless you. You are responsible for your own actions and decisions, no one else's. Be the person whom you know you can and want to be. Choosing to do something totally opposite from what your brain and body is telling you is difficult but as you redirect your thoughts and attitude towards happiness you will see a mighty change of heart. A softened heart who loves and serves again.

My Testimony

I have never felt Heavenly Father's hand so powerfully in my life as I do right now. I have always known that Heavenly Father loves me and will provide for me but this past week I have actually seen his hand in my life. My husband and I have been trusting Heavenly Father more than ever before. We have gotten to the point in life where we have done everything humanly possible and we're relying on Heavenly Father to do the rest. It is hard and scary to rely on Heavenly Father but at the same time relieving and comforting. Heavenly Father is all-powerful, all-knowing, and loves us more than we can comprehend. I hope that if you do not know this that you will gain a testimony of it. Even though Heavenly Father wants the very best for us he cannot provide a perfect smooth sailing life. Just like we cannot protect our children from scraping their knee or bonking their head even though they are our most precious asset in life. We love them but they have agency and we cannot protect them from every hard thing. (I know not the best analogy but go with it). My husband and I have strong testimonies and do strive to do our best. We have been very stressed with several things in life and decided that we must completely turn to the Lord and trust in Him. He will never leave us. After months of heartache and pain our prayers were answered. We have been blessed with more than we could have imagined. Our trials are not over but Heavenly Father has shown us His hand. He has showed us that He will provide the way. He has showed us that our faith and trust in Him is real. I know Heavenly Father is real. I love Him. I trust Him. I rely on Him. I hope you know these things as well. I hope you rely on Him as strongly as I do. If you don't, please try. Do everything you can to follow Him. Obey His commandments. Serve Him. You do not and will not be perfect, I most certainly am not. You don't have to be. Heavenly Father knows your heart. He knows you are doing your very best. He will provide for you. It may not be today, it may not be this week, and it may not be this year. But one of these days, through your suffering and heartache, you will see His hand. You will feel His love. You will know He is real. I blog this post because I know it is true. I know it is real and I want so badly for you to know it is real and true. Heavenly Father loves you. He loves your husband. He hurts to see you cry and ache but He knows it is for your good and that you will become better because of this. Give Heavenly Father your trust, He will never let you down. I promise you that.

Proud of Him

I was out of town for the day and wouldn't be returning home until evening. My husband decided to rent the most recent Pirates movie to pass the time until I got home. I had previously told him that I did not want us to rent the movie because I had seen it in theatres and thought it wasn't good. He thought I just didn't like the movie so he rented it while I was gone. As I called him on my way home and asked what he was doing he told me he got the movie. I expressed that I didn't want him to watch it. He asked why and I told him how the movie not only was dark and not uplifting but filled with mermaid (sirens) who were way more provocative than I felt comfortable with. He told me that he would turn it off no problem. I was and am proud of him. Proud of him for trusting and respecting my opinion. Proud of him for turning it off when he could have finished it without me knowing. Before I was informed of this addiction I sadly would have not had thought twice. How many movies have we allowed into our home even though they are filthy and vulgar? I am grateful for my awareness of this addiction because I am now trying harder to keep the media clean in our home, which is not an easy task these days. I am proud of my husband today and am grateful for his respect towards me and our home. He is doing his best to overcome this unwanted addiction and that is all I can ask.

She Put's it Best

This is an amazing post http://hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/2011/10/addiction-recovery-group-meetings.html. Please read it. Please attend an Addiction Recovery Meeting. I echo every word she wrote! This meeting can and will change your life if you let it.

Another Blog

I have another blog link for your http://www.oursecretbattles.blogspot.com/. Feel free to check it out. If you ever want me to post your blog or something you write about pornography addiction recovery I would be more than happy to. I am trying to provide as many resources to you readers as possible. As you sift through them you will find which ones you find beneficial and those of which you won't be checking regularly. I hope that some of these sites will aid in your healing process. Thanks for stopping by mine on a regular basis!

Obligation

Have I mentioned that I love my LDS 12 step addiction recovery group? haha I do! Tonight at the very end of the meeting the sister missionary running the group shared a very powerful message. She talked about how she told her teenage grandkids that she knows what pornography is. She does not view it but she knows what it is and if they have been exposed to it she can help. Their parents can help. It is ok. Their parents and her (Grandma) are there for them. I was so impressed by this. Her teenage grandkids were so embarrassed initally but it quickly led to open conversation. These kids do not like what is being thrown at them. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. Life is out of control and we as strong LDS women need to be there for these children. We need to show them how aware we are of these issues and explain that we are here to help and guide. We will not get mad. We will love them and guide them back onto the correct path. I am inspired by this sister missionary to be an example and advocate against pornography. I thank the sister missionary who bore her testimony and is an example against this horrific plague. What blessed grandkids to have her as a grandmother. I hope to be this type of woman to my husband, children, friends, and someday future generations. What an inspiration!

MeltDown

Last night I had a MAJOR meltdown, to say the least. I am the type of person who bottles up emotions until they literally explode out of my body through tears. It's messed up, I know. I feel much better now however. I hate crying and being upset but it does feel nice once it's over. I am trying to express my emotions better when they are actually being experienced (not 3 months later). My heart has been aching for so many of my good friends who are suffering. I feel as though there is nothing I can do for them and it frustrates me. I feel like my house is always in chaos and messy (which it is) but that it shouldn't be. I want to be good at something. Something that people can see. You know how when you are asked what your talent is you list piano, dance, singing, drawing, blah blah blah? Well I don't have any of those. It bugs me! I know I am talented in unseen ways but sometimes I just want to be apparently good at something. I have decided to be good at selling Scentsy. Well... it's a lot harder than I thought but I'm not going to give up. I always give up. I don't like things that are hard. I gave up soccer, I gave up dance, I gave up a blog after 2 weeks bc I sucked at it. I don't want to give up anymore. I want to be good at something. I want to persevere. I am going to persevere. I can do this and I will.

Group

Ok seriously I LOVE group!! haha That is so ridiculous but true. I have met such amazing women and I feel like we are such great friends now. After the meeting a bunch of us just sat and chatted. I loved it! I want to hang out with them more often because they are so inspiring. I encourage you all if you do not already attend an LDS addiction recovery group to find one and go. It's so uplifting and spiritual.
I feel so blessed lately and know that Heavenly Father is watching over me and my family. Life can get so crazy and out of control but if we keep going and persevere we will be blessed. Who knows when, but we will. Sometimes it seems so unfair what we may have to endure but everyone in this life is dealt a different hand and everyone deals with tribulation. Even the prophet and apostles of the Church deal with tribulation. No one is exempt unfortunately. Overcoming pornography addiction is DIFFICULT to say the least. It is exhausting, stressful, and burdensome. Hours are spent crying, hating, wondering "why me?" and eventually forgiving. Our loved ones with the addiction experience similar emotions. This is DIFFICULT beyond belief for them. They are embarassed and ashamed for what has become of their life. They want so badly not to hurt us (the wives/loved ones) but they are addicted. They are good men with good hearts. They are! But this is a horribly addicting addiction that requires a lot to overcome. Take care of yourself and your family. Support your husband for his efforts in overcoming this. He is still a good man and he never knew how badly he would hurt you with this addiction. We are amazing women to deal with such an embarassing addiction but we can do it. We can become better. It takes time. It takes effort and it's not always going to be comfortable. Keep fighting. Heavenly Father is watching over you and you will be blessed abundantly whether it is in this life or the next. Be proud of the beautiful and amazing woman that you are! Because you are!

Hooray!!!!!

My hubs got a part time job and I have started selling Scentsy!! Yay for a small amount of money to help us out. I feel very blessed for these simple jobs to have entered our lives in such times of need. They should help us get through the end of the year. And great timing because our oven broke today. Haha oh life, it's just wonderful isn't it? Really though, I am so grateful that we will be able to have just a little extra money to provide for the simple things and repair the broken ones :). Heavenly Father will always provide a way.

That Blows

What a day. What a day. To make a SUPER long story short, we just blew about $500 on a job that we did not get. My husband has had to travel twice to a neighboring state for tests and interviews for a potential job. I don't want to even hash all the ridiculous things that have happened throughout the whole process but it has been so frustrating. We barely have enough money to make it through the end of the year and no job offers at this point. STRESSFUL to say the least. Once again I am faced with adversity. How am I dealing with it all you ask? Laughing first off! Praying fervently and learning from what has happened and what to avoid in the future. Man life is crazy sometimes...... C.R.A.Z.Y!

*sigh (maybe a couple sighs actually or just a really really long one)*

Link

I linked a very useful site on the Resources side bar, Row Boats and Marbles. After clicking on the link, scroll slightly down their sidebar to "Essays", Letter to the Wives is well written and provides much clarity on the mechanics of SA. Their whole site is well done though...one I and my husband have already benefited from.

Marriage

Tonight I was unable to go to AR meeting and I was actually bummed. Who is bummed about missing addiction recovery meeting? That's messed up. haha Anywho, the reason I was sad is because I consider those women my true friends. I love hearing from them and sharing my story with them. We chat briefly after group but it is so fulfilling to see such remarkable women doing their best in times of such tragedy. They inspire me to say the least.
On another note. I have felt so bombarded recently with how much adversity life throws at each one of us. Every person has trials and most are quite significant. I have felt so strongly that Satan is truly attacking marriages and family. He wants us to fail and will do whatever he has to do to accomplish this. I feel so strongly that marriage is worth fighting for. No matter the pain... no matter how long it takes... Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY support those who have unfortunately not been able to stay married. There are CERTAINLY instances where the absolute right decision is to move on. My heart goes out to you. I feel that this would be much harder than enduring the affliction some marriages obtain. I understand how touchy of a subject this is, especially for a addicts wife blog. I support each one of you in each of your own circumstances and choices. However, I feel so so so strongly that marriage is difficult, it isn't always enjoyable but it is worth every sacrifice, tear, and agony to make it succeed. Satan is vicious and cunning and finds ways into our lives without us ever realizing it. I hope and pray that we may all fight for what is right married or not. Stand up for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Be proud to chose the right even when it's hard. Love your husband as best you can. Save your marriage if at all possible. Heavenly Father loves and will sustain us as we do the same for Him and His church.

I did it!!!

I did it!! Well, rather my husband did it but hey at least it's done. DVR is GONE!!!! He finally took it back to the cable company for me today because he knew I wanted it gone but was never gonna get around to doing it. What a good guy :) It's weird honestly to not have our shows to watch. We have worked on our Amazing Race application (ya I know, awesome huh), made homemade soft pretzels and limeade. Haha wow that is a lot. Think of all the great things we will get done now that we don't have our recorded shows! I am excited actually and hooray for saving money too. Always a bonus in life (I'm a couponer ;).
On another note today I had yet another interesting encounter. My friend was talking to me about her rocky marriage and I just told her life that her marriage is sooo worth fighting for no matter how long and painful the journey is. She went on to talk about blogs she has found where the wife is supportive and encouraging to her husband regardless of his pornography addiction. Oiy vey, ironic to say the least. She clarifyed that this wasn't her source of marital problems and said she would never be able to handle such a thing. I just shook my head, once again lost for words. So I guess hats off to us? Haha. Ok sorry I shouldn't be laughing about such things because we ARE amazing, beyond amazing actually. Everyone is dealt a different hand in life and what we do with it will determine the person that we are. Keep pushing forward. Become better because of the hand you have been dealt.

Tender Mercy

Each night we read scriptures as a family. Recently we have chosen one scripture that we are trying to memorize. 1 Nephi 2:3  After we read, we recite the chosen scripture. Usually it is just my husband and I with my almost 3 yr old mumbling along with us. Tonight out of the blue my 2ish yr old recites by herself; 1 Nephi 2:3 'And it came to pass that I was obedient... mumble mumble mumble'. I literally almost cried! What a tender mercy to know that my precious little girl IS listening, she IS learning, the scriptures ARE becoming familiar to her. Such a good night for me. The Lord is oh so aware of us.

FYI: 1 Nephi 2:3 And it came to pass that he was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him.

Love Hate Relationship

Entertainment is a love hate relationship for me. I LOVE tv... a lot. I especially love Bachelor, Survivor, Biggest Loser, and so much more. We watch quite a bit of tv and an occasional redbox movie. I have never thought twice about what I was watching. I didn't appreciate trashy scenes or scandelous jokes and apparel but for the most part I didn't think it really mattered. I know, awful but true. Now that I am aware of this addiction I am SHOCKED and DIGUSTED with what is put into the media we watch. I get so annoyed that every film we watch is corrupted with sex and nudity. ERG!! So frustrating. I feel like we can't watch anything without holding the remote to fast forward through scenes. We have eliminated many tv shows to my sadness but it is worth it. I have been so annoyed lately though because we have watched 2 movies this month and they are such trash! It really irritates me. I feel like I should really get rid of my DVR but sadly I don't want to live without it. You probably all think I am crazy and I probably am :) but this really is so frustrating to me. The media we are living with is appalling yet I still have a hard time eliminating it. Give me the courage to rid it from my life. I really need to.

Curiosity

So today while sitting with my neighbor as our kids played, she asked where I go every Tuesday night. (We hang out every day and are very good friends, so no she is not stalking me0. Uh, ok a little caught off guard I am at addiction recovery meeting every night because my husband has an addiction to pornography is what I thought but I definitely did not say that. She is dealing with her own marital issues and I have told her that everyone has problems including us (she assumed we were the "perfect mormon neighbor next door, we have good 'sunday faces'"). She doesn't know what we are dealing with nor do I know what she is dealing with. We talk in very general terms when it comes to the subject of our marriages. So anyways after she asked me she was all is this a hush hush thing? I said kind of, but I think my husband wants to talk to yours before I talk to you (which is true). I told her I go to therapy for what we are dealing with but that someday soon I will tell her exactly what it is. She asked why I would tell her and I explained that what we are dealing with is so prevalent among people but not talked about so we want to get the word out to as many people as we can but that it is scary to talk about. So anyways, it was interesting. I am nervous to talk with her because I fear she will think very poorly of my husband but at the same time I want to show her that good men and families are dealing with horrific events without any appearance of it. I want to share this trial with as many as I can as so show the hope and healing of it. Life is full of painful trials and they are not going to go away. When one gets resolved a few more pop up. This is life. What we do with them will determine the person that we are. Pornography addiction is awful, trust me I know. But it is overcomable. There is hope and healing. Marriages and people can become better and stronger. Lots of tears will be shed. Pain will be felt in more ways than you thought possible but someday it will be ok. Someday you will be happy and whole again. And who knows, maybe even happier! Maybe even better! Find resources and help so that you can be happier and better sooner rather than later. My marriage is the best it has even been and I honestly owe it to this trial. I cringe saying it, but it's true. Hearthache and turmoil are making me and my family better.

Broken Hearted...

I feel broken hearted... again. Not because of my own life but because of my best friend's. Today she confided in me that she is getting a divorce. My heart literally broke. I decided to confide in her what I have been dealing with. Low and behold her husband suffers from a similar addiction. They have additional turmoil besides this addiction but I am continually reminded of Satan and his power. It sickens me to see the control he has on people in these last days. People and families lives are being broken because of his sneaky tactics. My heart aches for all those suffering in whatever trial they've been handed but especially for my best friend. I want so badly to fix what is broken for her. Make her marriage perfect and whole again, but I can't. I will love her and continue to be her friend. I will listen and support her. I hope that she and her husband whether they end their marriage or not can be happy again. I hope they can remember Heavenly Father who is all loving and powerful. I hope they will heal and strengthen themselves to be better because of this awful trial. Life is most certainly not easy. I am learning this all too quickly and personally. My heart aches for all of our dire situations but I know if we turn to our Heavenly Father we will survive this. Let Him lift this burden from you. Become better and stronger because of this. It's not easy or quick getting there but it will be worth it. I love my dear friend so much and support her in her decision whether she stays or goes. Thank goodness for a wonderful loving Father in Heaven!

Amazing Women

WOW!! Going to the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings is inspiring to say the least. I have found amazing women who are leading great lives regardless of their sometimes bleak situations. I am continually impressed each week at what these women endure each day yet they are happy. They are relying on Heavenly Father. Trusting Him and turning to Him in their moments of greatest weakness. Heavenly Father is ready, willing and wanting to help us. He will support us in our times of need. I watch these women love their spouses, raise righteous children, and live wonderful lives. No one would ever know the turmoil in their hearts. No one would ever know they cry into their pillows hoping their kids and husband don't hear. No one knows their hurt and pain. This addiction that we did nothing to do to bring into our lives is overcomable. As we turn to our Heavenly Father and put our full trust and faith in Him we will heal. We will be happy again. The Atonement is for you and for me. Jesus Christ suffered for each moment of our sorrow. He knows how you feel and He will comfort you in your time of need. I see it in these women I meet with each week. I am inspired by them. I love and appreciate them. I have become friends with them. I personally have turned to my Heavenly Father because I learned real fast that I could not do it on my own. My marriage is getting stronger. My testimony is growing. I am happier. All these things amist great sorrow and turmoil. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each one of us. Trial is part of this life but we can learn from it and become better because of it. The women in my addiction recovery class are proof!

new blog

So as not to "take over" this blog with too many posts I've started posting on my own blog. 

http://www.hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/

I hope we can build a network of loving sisters sharing in this struggle.

Thanks friends!

Step 2

Tonight was such a great addiction recovery meeting. So many shared great insight. My insight was this. I am truly grateful for the gospel. I am so grateful for my testimony to help me overcome this trial. What a blessing the Atonement is and the fact that I can use it is so empowering to me. My heart aches for the women and men enduring this plague without the gospel. We should be truly grateful for what we have and USE what we have. Use the Atonement, rely on your Heavenly Father, give Him your burden, He will and does watch over and bless you. Another thought I had was shared this evening from our hometeachers. They talked about President Uchtdorfs talk about airplane turbulence and how young pilots want to speed the plane up in order to get out of it. However, it is a better option to slow the plane down. I have found through this trial I want to speed up and rid this from my life. However, what am I learning and who can I help because of this? These are things I want to work on for myself. Helping others, learning from others, becoming better. I hope these thoughts will help you. I have been so touched by the women I have met through addiction recovery meetings, blogging, and other forums. What amazing people they are. Life is hard but they are managing. They are healing. The Lord is blessing them. Look for the tender mercies in your life. They are more abundant than you would think. "Count your many blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord has done."

Forgiveness after Relapse

Pete's week of travel did not end well.  His last night away he stayed in a hotel with no safe, and during the middle of the night he relented to temptation.  The next morning, hours before he was to return home, he texted me his confession. 

Of course I was angry and hurt.  I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks.  At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was.  But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me.  The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened.  As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him. 

Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal.  We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his.  I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me.  I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point.  This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me.  I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.

Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment.  I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him.  I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson. 

The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it.  My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start".  Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging.  Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future. 

I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me.  It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone.  But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation.  It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and ulitimately it will save my marriage.

H.A.L.T.

I mentioned earlier that Pete decided to tell his dad about his addiction, and doing so has been so helpful.  His dad shared with us the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired."  These are the psychological/emotional "places" where temptation most often occurs.  Looking back I can see how it is true, not just for my husband but for me as well. 

Pete is out of town this week at a training.  All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails.  One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely.  His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling.  Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed.  This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one.  After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan.  He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there.  When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels.  By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again.  Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it. 

Travel is so hard.  It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry.  It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur.  But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.

Step 1

Step 1 is honesty. Basically admitting that you cannot do this alone and that you need God's help. Thinking about honesty in all aspects of life is actually interesting to me. For some reason society has been instilled with the idea that being honest is hard and embarrassing. However, how many times have you found yourself avoiding the truth and then when you finally admit the truth you feel so much better and it can finally get resolved? Honesty in every aspect of life is so important but especially when recovering from an addiction. It is so important to be honest with ourselves and our loved one. Honesty can hurt sometimes but I have found that it is so much better because what was hidden can now start to be solved. God knows exactly what we are feeling and what we are doing regardless if we tell Him or not. Wouldn't it be so much better to just be honest and admit our true feelings and actions? He wants to help us and He will when we are honest about our feelings and actions. I personally stew for a long time before I admit how I am feeling. It typically ends in a large meltdown. This meltdown could be so avoidable if I would just admit my feelings in the moment and resolve them with myself or whomever it involves. This is something I personally am going to work on. No more meltdowns! haha maybe, atleast I am going to do my best. May we all be a little more honest with ourselves, our emotions and our actions. It really is happier and easier to live life that way.

Life is just Hard

Life is just hard and stressful for us right now. We're graduating from law school, don't have a job, have LOTS of student loans, and are overcoming addiction just to start the list. My husband is doing amazing. It is hard but he is so strong and determined to overcome this evil in his life. I am proud of how far he has come in a short amount of time. Life, however, is still hard for us right now. Something that is really bothering me right now is intimacy. Therefore I will blog about it. Oh what this world has turned to. Blogging from the unknown to the unknown about such personal issues. haha weird... Anyways so I feel like our relationship is good when we are intimate on a VERY regular basis. This annoys me. Why can't life be great even when were not being intimate. This has been a struggle our whole marriage but I guess now I am actually determined to fix it. It's just frustrating. Ugh. Thanks for listening I guess. I just wish life was easy sometimes. But it's not. It's not suppose to be. We have had to completely turn our lives to the Lord and it is hard. But I know that if we will be patient we will be blessed. We already are enormously blessed for which I am very grateful. Life will get better. It has to.

Service

Step number 12 in the addiction recovery program is Service. I have always enjoyed providing service to others because it really does make you feel better when you give to others. I have found even more meaning to service in the last few months. I have had many serve me with kind words, encouragement, and pure listening to which I am very grateful! I have found that through sharing my trial and "story" with a select few I have really been able to have an impact on their life and what they are dealing with. I have been able to show my neighbor that we are not the "perfect mormon family" next door. We are happy and love life and each other, however we are enduring great adversity right now. I think it was very eye opening to her to realize that we all are given trials yet we can still be happy while overcoming them. I also was able to encourage my mom to get counseling herself. She experienced a very traumatic event finding my brother nearly dead in her kitchen years ago. She needs counselling but is unwilling. Since I have now attended my own therapy I was able to explain to her how helpful it can be. I feel blessed to be an example to others even if their trial isn't necessarily pornography. I also very much appreciate the example of women I know who are living wonderful lives amidst the trial that has been put into their lives. Wife J I know very well and she continues to amaze me, seriously. I wish you could all know her personally. She, her husband, and family are amazing people and do so much good for others. I owe a lot to her for her example to me. I have a strong testimony of service and the good it can provide to you in your life as well and the good it provides to others. In times of heartache I find it even more rewarding and hope we can all improve on serving those around us. Whether it is a smile, a hello, sharing your story, or a thoughtful note it will be recognized and very much appreciated.

12 Step

Man, life is busy huh? Wowee! Anyways the hubs and I finally got ourselves to the LDS 12 step addiction recovery meetings. It went better than I expected. The hubs enjoyed it as well. But back to me :). So I went and it was very interesting and touching to hear from other women dealing with this. I was impressed at what some of these women have endured. It felt good to go and share my testimony of how aware Heavenly Father is of us. He loves us and is blessing us even when we feel lost and alone. My husband and I have had to completely turn to the Lord and put our complete trust in Him. It is hard but also so comforting at the same time. I know that our life will go the direction it is suppose to as long as we continue to do our best and trust in our Heavenly Father. I would highly encourage the LDS recovery meetings. I was nervous to go but made instant friends. It is definitely a place I never wanted or thought I would be but it was good. Finding resources and others for support, as mentioned in previous posts, has been super beneficial in my recovery. I feel like a stronger women and have a stronger marriage from a trial that I thought 3 months ago would ruin my life and family. I am proud of the strength I have gained and hope that I can pass it on.

I second that

I wanted to write my thoughts in support of the message Wife J shared about sharing.  Pete struggled for two or three years with just me and the Bishop aware of his problem, and it was getting worse.  After a frustrating couple of weeks we hadn't been speaking much to each other for a few days.  When we finally sat down to talk about it I told him that I felt it was time for him to talk to his dad, who is also a bishop.  He said he had been having that same thought.  It was a testament to me that even when we aren't behaving the way we should (Pete was giving in to temptation and I was angry) the Lord blesses us with promptings from the Holy Ghost to help us, because he loves us. 

My husband did discuss it with his dad.  It was painful and terrifying but his father was completely understanding and compassionate.  Just like Wife J, since that time he has made tremendous progress.  I also have felt as if I'm not bearing this burden alone.  Before, I felt tremendous pressure to be constantly supportive to Pete.  Now I know that when I am feeling weak, he can turn to his dad for additional encouragement and support.  His dad has given him blessings and calls him to check-in on a regular basis.  He asks him direct questions and makes him accountable, all the while being loving and kind. 

I am so grateful for my father-in-law's help.  I hope that every couple can find other friends or family members to help them along the way.  I am also grateful that Pete and I were able to listen to the promptings we felt and act on them even though we were both afraid to do so.

No fear of judgement...

I remember when I first learned of my husband's struggle with pornography. Amongst the many, many thoughts was the fear of someone thinking less of my husband if they knew. I wanted to protect him. Amidst my hurt, I still wanted to protect him. And I thought that telling no one would protect him, and myself. No one knew for a few years, and guess how far we got........eh, a stone's throw at best, if anywhere at all. Compared with the miles covered since involving select others, it was literally nowhere. I now understand the error in my thinking. This type of addiction is much more successfully overcome when involving close family or friends to one's comfort, and/or support groups. Successful to the individual for accountability and encouragement, and successful to the wife for support and perspective. The battle is uphill and steep with loose footing. However, it is worth it, oh so very worth it if both husband and wife are willing! I no longer feel the need to protect, no no, rather commend and revel in my husband's choice to not give up, to endure, to educate himself and seek help. I stand in awe at his determination to be freed from this entanglement. Whatever it took, and continues to take to not only sustain but to be anxiously engaged in good (fighting it). I am no longer shocked to hear of someone struggling with this, no matter how well I know them. In fact, if they are between the ages of 11 and 36, there's a right good chance they are, to some degree or another. I would hope that all wives would bluntly ask their husband's if they struggle with this. This may be bold, but I believe it is a responsibility/right of ours as wives. Not to mention as a mother as well. Our children are inundated by this before they even know what it is. My two year old has already seen pornography! As mothers, our concern cannot be solely focused on keepimg it away. That is impossible. It is everywhere our children go, the mall, the grocery store check out aisle, the billboards,the gas stations, media, phones, and friends. Educating them begins as soon as they can understand "good picture/bad picture" (what makes them feel yucky or confused) turn it off, and "tell mommy". The more comfortable and educated we are with this subject, the more approachable we can be as parents. Open communication from the get-go. We CAN talk about this. We NEED to talk about this.

Help

Just wanted to post about some of the things I have found to help me through this process. Writing in my journal or this blog has been good, talking WAY OPENLY with my husband, cafemom.com, the book Confronting Pornography, and NOT controlling my husband.
-Writing has been a good outlet to express my emotions and also to keep track of how I felt when others need help in the stages I have now surpassed.
-Talking openly with my husband has been most beneficial I would say. This is a tricky one because your husband also has to be willing. We have been patient at listening to each other devulge what hurts us the most. We have stayed up for hours crying and physically hurting. In the moment it is so painful but we are able to completely communicate with each other and understand where we are coming from. I understand this is beyond difficult but for me it has been SUPER beneficial.
-Someone told me about the site cafemom.com. They have a forum called "wives of porn addicts" that has been really interesting and helpful. Some stuff is totally bizarre but I just disregard and read what pertains to me. I would reccommend it though.
-My brother in law sent my husband the book Confronting Pornography and it has a portion for the spouse. SOOO beneficial. I felt like it was my EXACT situation. I would TOTALLY reccommend it. Very good insight.
-Lastly, which I think may be more difficult for some than others, is NOT controlling my husband. This is not something I can fix for him. He has to do this on his own. Me monitoring him or checking internet usage is not going to solve this. We have gotten rid of his smart phone, watch significantly less tv, and have agreed that if he has a problem he tells me that day. Otherwise he is on his own. I love and support him and talk with him frequently. He goes to group therapys and is learning other outlets in stressful moments. I hope these things can be of benefit for you and if you have found other coping mechanisms please share. Addictions can be overcome. I am truly grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that He knows the pain we have all experienced. Heavenly Father is so aware of us and wants us so badly to overcome this and teach others how to do lifewise. Satan is vicious and works in such deceitful ways! We are strong women. As we strengthen our own families we can then help others strengthen theirs.
PS do something for youself today, I'm debating between a pedi or shopping... hmm

Never ending

This scares me. I fear relapse so badly. How will I respond? Will we have to start all over? Will everything have been in vain? I want a "quick fix" so badly but it's just not an option. We are doing incredibly well right now. No viewing since the day he told me :). I am proud of him. He has been so tempted these last few days and told me that this is typically when he would fall back into viewing. (Life is stressful for us right now). He has stayed strong even when it takes everything he possibly has to avoid it. I love him and respect him so much for this. When I read stories of relapse time after time I hurt. How does this addiction truly become rid from ones life? Right now I think we are on the right track and we are, but whose to say we won't be derailed in a year or 5 years from now? I guess what I need to do is live in the now. I cannot dread the future. All I can do is be proud of him today because today was a good day. If you have any insight on this matter I would greatly appreciate it.

I know, I'm awful

Ok, so this is a little off topic but not really. I have to vent my annoyance. This has been annoying me for some time but tonight it is to the point of venting. So we have an incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY wealthy bishop. He provides many families in our ward places to live for free or pretty close it. And I sure many other things that people are unaware of. Super nice, I know.  So 2 years ago when we were first in the ward we wanted to provide Thanksgiving for someone and so we asked the Bishop. He said no one was in need so we didn't do it. We were bummed but if no one needed it what are we to do. We transferred to a student ward shortly thereafter because we didn't fit in very well in that ward. Well, recently our student ward changed boundaries and we are back to our family ward with this Bishop again. The ward is great just not a super lot of young people. So we meet with the Bishop about our pornography situation and he says he will find some good counseling and get back to us the next day. The whole interview overall was weird. He didn't seem super knowledgable and even left the meeting because his wife suspected a burglar in the neighbors home. He asked if we wanted blessings and when we said yes he said ok lets schedule it because he had another appointment. We have yet to get those blessings 2 1/2 months later. I understand he is busy but I honestly don't feel very cared about. He also asked if we would be able to afford it. We said hesitantly that we would make it work (we are in the hole thousands due to school and haven't had a job for 2 years) but this was worth it. The Bishop is loaded, he could have made us feel less stupid about our lack of money. A week goes by with no contact from him. I finally try to find my own couseling and to get it paid for the Bishop has to approve. NO ONE could get ahold of him. Not me, not my hubs, not the counseling place. BLAH! I am pretty annoyed by this point and feeling quite alone and abandoned. My husband finally found free couples therapy through his school so we went to that. So basically what I am saying is how frustrated this whole thing has been when I know that we have a VERY caring and financially sound Bishop but when it came to my time of need he was and still is no where to be found. He still has never met or asked us about how we are doing. We don't even have callings (which really annoys me). For all he knows we are getting divorced (which we're not). We're doing surpisingly well. :) So anyways now that I have vented I feel bad because I am sure he is an amazing man and helps so many. I just wish that in my desperate time of need I was watched over. Thank goodness for a husband who even though he caused the problem is so eager and ready to support me. Ugh. I hope that you have found a different experience when confronting this problem. That others have come to your rescue instead of having to find everything yourself. I am grateful for the people I did confide in who have helped me but I am quickly learning that it is something I have to do myself. No one else can do it for me.

Scripture Power

Tonight during family scripture study, one kid screaming another laughing, I actually found something helpful. In Alma 5:6-12 it talks about the hell they are going through and how they persisted. How did they persist? They had a change of heart. It really hit home for me. I don't feel like I am currently in hell but I did at the beginning and what saved me was my determination to make this work. I believe so strongly that we are given trials to learn, grow, and help others. Trials are not fun. A husbands pornography addiction is REALLY not fun, but we can do it. We are strong. We have good husbands who have a horrible addiction. Heavenly Father still loves them and He loves us. If Jesus Christ was here today, he would not shun or judge our husbands. He would love them, support them through recovery, and protect them. I want to be Christlike and do the same. It is not easy but it is worth it. Being put through this "hell" has made me realize how much I do truly love my husband. I want him to recover and heal. I want us to recover and heal. I am grateful for the inspired scriptures. I am grateful that tonight through my kids madness I was able to feel the spirit and remember that GOOD men and women were tried thousands of years ago and are still tried today. We can do this! Our husbands can overcome. We can be happy again. I hope that you will read Alma 5 and be inspired like I was tonight. I am truly grateful for the scriptures and my testimony in such a time of need.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.

I'll call myself Jane

I came across this blog in the search for a blog directed towards women like me.  I desperately needed to "meet" someone else who understood the things I've been struggling with. 

I was married in the temple to a chaste return missionary with no previous struggles with pornography or self-gratification. (I'll refer to him as Pete.) We have both had callings in presidencies and attended the temple regularly.  We have children and strong testimonies. 

My husband's struggle with pornography began a few years into our marriage when he traveled frequently for work.  It became worse when a work promotion required him to have a cell phone with internet service.  Fortunately we have found ways to help with this.  On his iPhone I have used a passcode to disable YouTube, Safari and iTunes.  He can still access his email and some other permitted apps.  When traveling he locks the t.v. remote in the safe provided in his room. 

We still suffer setbacks, he has episodes of weakness and unfortunately I usually respond with episodes of anger and hopelessness.  But through our faith and love for eachother we believe that we can overcome this. 

I found another one

Last night I found another one. Another victim that is. My very best friend in the whole world. I mean VERY best friend. She and her husband have been dealing with this for 3-4 years without me knowing whatsoever. I confided in her the day after I found out about my own situation and she finally confided in me last night that she has been dealing with this for some time. My heart broke for her. She is strong and more than amazing and I am the first one she has ever and may possibly ever tell. I love this girl so much (words literally cannot describe) and I respect her and her husband a LOT, to say the least. Her husband is an amazing man who has and does accomplish much good. They are incredibly faithful people and no one in a billion years would ever guess something like pornography could invade their lives. It made me realize that this disease can and will find anyone. It is affecting so many and we don't even realize it. I want so badly to be brave and tell everyone what I am dealing with so that they to can overcome and know that they are not alone, if perhaps they are ensnared. My heart breaks for how rampant this problem is even among righteous honorable men. No one is exempt. As women we can support, love, and forgive our amazing husbands. I know that my relationship has grown immensely with my husband. This is something that will forever change our lives. I wish this upon NO ONE, but if you have found yourself as the victim, you are not alone and we will be better because of this.

Intro

I've been rummaging through my thoughts, trying to decide where to start my words, as I've been dealing with this for the last five years. In that time I've cringed and cried a lot. I've gotten lost in my thoughts and pain a lot. I've shoved myself and my feelings aside a lot. I've felt anger and resentment, betrayal and frustration. Countless hours spent on my knees pleading for help, anything, big or small, deep or shallow, breadth or sliver, I didn't care...something, anything. Not just for my husband to get to the place he is now, but for me to fully forgive, truly be whole, and trust again. What I've found so far is this. It is my responsibility to forgive - by commandment. I am whole as long as I am being an active participant in the atonement with my Savior (recognizing and working on my own shortcomings and weaknesses). And trust, well, trust belongs in one place, and one place only. God. Trust in God that he will guide me, help me, lift me, inspire me, and love me. Love me. He loves me. When in the bitterest of angst that knowledge has sustained my endurance. His love is powerful, healing, and all-encompassing. At times, the dominance of love felt from the Lord has made scars melt away. Scars that felt they would always be there, a wound healed but the evidence still apparent. Gone, because they are obsolete when confronted with the love of God. It is nothing short of miraculous. As is my respect for my husband. To see him so beaten down from literally the only thing he hadn't been able to overcome by himself...so humble and pained, so tormented by this seemingly unshakable object. I've never had so much respect for someone as I do him. Unsure and blindly we forged into this process, so slowly at first but gaining successful momentum. Sure, I still cringe and want to hurl in the nearest garbage when my husband and I walk down the hall of the mall, unable to avoid Victoria Secret. Pornography is like the sunlight, touching everywhere and at some point during the day or year, touching what it hadn't just hours before. It is in a way unavoidable. To put it as my husband does, "You're either fighting it, or condoning it. Not in between." We're now fighting. But it isn't a destination that we are fighting our way to. It is the refining process, the habits, the fully engaged and aware lifestyle. We've come so far, and we have so much more to go. This is where I am. Undoubtedly, I have overlooked and unacknowledged feelings that at times pop up unexpectedly and without being prompted. For future posts, I'd rather not "rehash" necessarily, however, the past is what brought us to where we are now. For that reason, my posts may seem unconsecutive and random, but I plan to delve, heal, learn, and share further.

Talking

I am finding that one of the most difficult parts of this whole healing process is finding who to turn to. Through my whole marriage I have turned to my husband to discuss problems and issues I am having. Now he is the source of my problems (I'm not trying to be mean, I hope you know what I mean) and I don't want to offend him because of my new found feelings. Example. Today my parents took my husband and I to the play South Pacific. I tried to enjoy it but in all honestly I really didn't. Some of the soldiers go to an island so they can meet some "dames" and sleep with them. Arg. It made me so annoyed and physically ill to my stomach. In the past this would never have bothered me, I wouldn't have even noticed it. Now it sickens me. I try so hard not to think of men as these lustful indulging animals (because most are not) but the thought is hard to remove when I am constantly inundated with this. I also saw Captain America this week with the hubs and same thing. It just made me so mad. It upsets me that I can't even go out for a nice evening without becoming upset at what I see. Very frustrating. Back to not being able to talk with my husband. I do tell him most of the time when I am sad or frustrated because of where we are now but I feel awful for hurting him like that. He already feels bad enough and me showing my frustrations is just another burden. I know I can talk with some close friends and family but then I feel like I am hiding things from him. It's a tricky situation for me to say the least. Constantly finding new "joys" HA! to this wonderful adventure I have been put in. Oh, life.

Confession

So every week my hubs and I sit down and go over the previous week. He tells me whether he viewed pornography and/or masturbated at all. Of course you know what I want to hear. I am happy to report that he has not viewed pornography since a few weeks before he told me about this whole problem. Yahoo!! He has had a harder time abstaining from masturbation. He is trying so hard and I am proud of him and know that it is very difficult. I have been trying so hard to be more intimate with him as well not going to bed before him to avoid alone time. He admits that these things help. These are two things that I am honestly trying so hard to improve on. (I have always struggled with intimacy and I like my sleep to say the least). This week he unfortunately masturbated in a weak moment and confessed it to me later in the evening. I didn't know how to react. I was mad at him but at the same time I didn't want him to not tell me in the future so I tried to keep it together. It was rough for both of us. The hardest part about it is not the actual act. I mean I don't like it but it's the emotional pain that really gets me. It is the fact that I am trying SO hard to prevent it and in return nada. I know I can't cure this but it was kind of a slap in the face. I also hate the fact that I have absolutely NO idea I mean NO IDEA that it even happens until he tells me. Same with the first 3 years of our marriage. No stinkin idea! It makes me feel pretty foolish. As if I don't even know him. This is a process and unfortunately it takes time. I am grateful that he is being honest with me and I want to keep it that way. May this week be better than last. :)

Another Day

It was another wonderful day of therapy! haha Those words don't belong together in the same sentence. Today went well, I am not nearly as physically exhausted as I was last week after the meeting. Today I met with the counselor without my husband and opened up a little more. I have been struggling whether or not I should research pornography extensively or just leanr about what I am specifically dealing with. She told me to try different outlets and to see how they feel. That sounds so therapy like doesn't it? At this point I feel like researching it extensively would be a hindrance to me. I don't want to read the horrific gruesome stories that people are dealing with. I have enough tears shed on my own situation let alone someone elses. There is so much heartbreak that people are dealing with and I don't want to place even more on me. Another thing that I am working on is recognizing my emotions and not putting them aside. Usually when I feel sad or mad I put it aside and eventually explode weeks or months later. I let everything build, even the tiny things, until they completely explode out of me without warning. I am trying to say to myself "I feel sad, I want to cry and so I will." It's strange but is going well so far. I am also trying to feel more "empowered" if you will. I like to throw myself pity parties and think, "I do this this and this for everyone else and what do I get in return? Nothing." This is so not true but at the same time I am trying to let myself do the things that I want when I want them. Today I bought some eyeshadow. I know that sounds absurd but those are things I just don't do because I think I don't deserve them. That truly sounds ridiculous but it is true. Through finding out about my husbands pornography problem, I finding a lot of flaws in myself and realizing that I need help figuring them out. I still keep hoping this will go away and that I won't have to deal with it anymore. I keep thinking that I have been dealing with this for over a month, shouldn't I be over it by now? Boo for non quick fixes. This takes time and patience. 2 Things I am not super thrilled about or good at. Hopefully as I work on my own honest emotions I will be able to overcome. Speaking of which, what does overcome even mean? What determines this being over with? Those are annoying thoughts (sigh). How do I know when life is "normal" and "all better" again? Will it ever be?

Girls Night

Yay for a much needed girls night. The hubs is out of town for a job interview so I decided to put my kids to bed and invite the girls over. SOOO much fun. Good food, tons of laughing, and my kids even stayed asleep through it all. After everyone left, my best girlfriend stayed and we chatted about more serious things in life. I didn't share with her the actual situation I am going through but gave her a vague understanding of what I am dealing with. We were able to laugh and cry. It feels so good knowing I have friends who love and support me and will cry with me. I don't want her to judge my hubs, which she totally wouldn't, so I haven't told her exactly what we are dealing with. I am mad that I won't just admit it. Maybe she is dealing with it too, maybe she will someday, or maybe she won't but could just be a support. I hate that this is something that is part of my life and that I don't want it to be hidden in the world but I am still too afraid to tell my best friend. I just want to protect my husband's reputation. He is an amazing man and I don't want anyone thinking otherwise. I hope to tell her one of these days so that she can prevent it from entering her life. Something that she said I really liked. She told me that sometimes we have to go through trials not to make us better people but to somehow help our children. This trial is definitely making me better as well as strengthening my marriage. Because of this trial I have really started to pay attention to the world around me. I am doing my best to protect my kids from Satan's grasp. There is so much I can control that I have not been controlling. Television viewing has decreased significantly in our home. Commercials and sitcoms are filled with subtle inuendos and trashy scenes, degrading women and families. We are also very cautious to what our kids wear. We want to teach them modestly from the beginning. Satan is grabbing hold of families without us even knowing it. Be aware of the world around you and start controlling what you allow and don't allow in your home. Make sure it is a safe haven for your precious family. Small inuendos and immodesty can evenutally lead to bigger problems that could have been avoided.

Counseling

So today we went to couples counseling. It was... interesting? Let's me honest I wasn't super thrilled about how it went. The couselor is super great don't get me wrong but I felt like it stirred up all the emotions that I thought were behind me. Maybe they're not behind me? Or maybe they really were just rekindled. Either way not super enjoyable but hoping it will be good in the end. I realized tonight that something that is super frustrating to me is that my husband will rid this of life (halleluah) but how do I truly overcome my hurt? I have forgiven him but I am still hurt. Ugh I once again feel lost and confused. I wish someone would just tell me what to do but it's not happening any time soon. Somthing the hubs and I talked about tonight was that this might just be something that I have to overcome on my own with my Heavenly Father's help. This is a hard realization for me because I like immediate fixes. I have felt like there is so much help for men dealing with pornography related issues (thank goodness) but very little for the spouses. Society has shunned the topic of pornography but the truth is that it is far more spread than any of us can even imagine. How sickeninig to know that it is a billion dollar industry. I hope one day that I will be brave enough to share my story and be a strength to those dealing with it. I also hope that more talk and awareness will evolve so that this addiction can be avoided all together.

My husbands Situation

I have read so much information and stories of couples dealing with a pornography addiction and some have literally brought me to tears. My heart aches for these men and women. The women did not ask for this burden, did nothing wrong and are still forced to live a "normal" and "happy" life. It is completely life changing and extremely difficult and unfair. The men who live with pornography addictions in no way ever wanted to live double lives or hurt and sometimes destroy their families. My heart, along with my husbands, aches for this awful disease that is so rapidly ruining people and families. Satan is a bugger isn't he? I say this next part very tenderly in hopes not to offend or discourage anyone. My husband thankfully has never spent a dime on pornography (good thing because we have plenty of schoold debt as is) and has not had any communication with another person besides me. For this I am eternally grateful. I am so sorry for women forced to deal with extreme pornography viewing, sexting, cybersex, and physical infidelity along with anything else. This must cause excruciating pain. My husband goes to weekly group meetings and we are starting couples therapy this week (not sure how often we will be going). We are still happy even though we do have a new burden that is discussed frequently in our home. We have had a few lifestyle changes that so far have been a good change. We watch significantly less tv. After finding out about this problem I realized how sexfilled our world is and suggested to my husband that we watch less tv. Every show we watch and even the commercials have some inappropriate scene or comment it seems. We now try to spend more time chatting or doing something productive after our kids go to bed. It has been a hard change because we LOVE watching tv at night but it has been good. We also have set aside a time every week where I ask how he did that week. It is motivation for him to stay 'clean' because he knows I will be asking. He hasn't viewed any material since he told me. :) We know that we can overcome this but at the same time it is something we will always have to be aware of. This annoys me but I am trying to accept that it will forever have an effect on us. I hope that some day I can inspire and teach other women about this awful plague, teaching them how to avoid it and if it does enter their lives, how to overcome it. I am truly grateful that the severity of my husbands problem has not reached a more extreme level. I encourage you women suffering with whatever degree of addiction that you have been handed that you can do it. Whether you stay and encourage your husband or go your separate ways, you are amazing and will be blessed. You can and will be happy again just like I will be. When I think life is unfair and why me? I remember Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything we can't handle so just remember how strong and tough you are. Sometimes I wish I was a wuss and got some other easier less permanent trial but we didn't and it's because we are so strong and amazing. Remember that. Heavenly Father loves you and will provide and comfort in times of need.

Choosing Happiness

After the initial shock and sobbing episodes I realized that I could not live this way. My children needed a good mom and my husband needed a good wife. At first I torn between "Do I punish and shun my husband," or do I "Love him unconditionally and support him?" After lots of thought and prayer and some advice from my sister in law I decided that I needed to be Chirstlike and still love and support him. It was a very difficult decision because I wanted to punish him for his actions. I didn't want to cook for him, or be nice to him, have sex with him or anything else that put a smile on his face. I decided that I could and had to choose to be happy. He needs my support and love. My kids need and deserve a happy mom and dad who love each other.

And so I chose to be just that, happy.

This doesn't mean that it isn't hard. I find myself wishing so badly that this never happened to me, or I will question why I still go to church and try to do what it right. Then I remember that Heavenly Father loves me more than I can imagine. The purpose of this life is go through trials and to become better. Plus, I have a strong testimony and know that the Church is true. My husband and I have been enormously blessed with so much and I know that Heavenly Fathe truly watches over me and protects my family. Life is full of trials. This is not the first trial I have ever experienced and unfortunately it will not be the last. Trials are given to us to make us better people and for us to help others in return. I hope that I can help other wives who are suffering that my husband can someday help other men avoid this plague of pornography. This month in the Ensign I read a wonderful message. I hope that it will help you in choosing happiness. Life is hard and it's ok to have rough times and moments. This is a horrible rampant problem that is very unenjoyable to deal with but... we can still choose to be happy regardless of life's circumstances. I hope you read the article and are able to choose and honestly be happy admist life's sometimes awful circumstances.

Read the Ensign article

Life Changing

On June 1, 2011 my world got turned completely upside down. Finding out about my husbands pornography addiction was the most heart breaking experience of my life. The events leading up to this night are very interesting as I now look back and I am truly grateful for how it was all uncovered. A few months earlier the Bishop in our ward advised the women to directly ask their husbands if they suffered from this addiction. On the way home from church we talked about pornography addiction but I did not directly ask and he didn't fess up. I put it behind me. The weekend before I found out we were at his parents house, who are pornography recovery specialists, and they talked a great deal about it to us. I was informed of many statistics and stories that seriously shocked me. I was very naive to how rampant pornography is in our society. I once again didn't even think it would EVER effect my family. Then 2 days before my husband told me that his brother, whom we greatly admire, suffers from this addiction. I was SHOCKED. He is one of the most amazing people I knew, how could he of all people succomb to this evil I thought. I was saddened by this information but once again disregarded it. However, this time it wouldn't leave my mind. Finally on June 1, I asked my husband if he suffered from an addiction and he admitted that he did. I was so surprised and heart broken. How? Why? Why me? I have lived a righteous life and we were married in the Temple. You went on a mission. We go to Church. We help others. How in the world could this have been secretly in my life without me even knowing. The emotions that I felt throughout the next few days were beyond anything I had ever felt before. I sobbed for hours on end. I was completely disfunctional and unable to parent at some points in my day. I thought through my options and discussed with my husband for hours. I wanted so badly to run away and pretend it never happened. Well, life doesn't work that way. I had to deal with this. I knew it wasn't going to be enjoyable or easy but I knew that I could do it. I knew I HAD to do it, for my family and for my kids.