Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It was another wonderful day of therapy! haha Those words don't belong together in the same sentence. Today went well, I am not nearly as physically exhausted as I was last week after the meeting. Today I met with the counselor without my husband and opened up a little more. I have been struggling whether or not I should research pornography extensively or just leanr about what I am specifically dealing with. She told me to try different outlets and to see how they feel. That sounds so therapy like doesn't it? At this point I feel like researching it extensively would be a hindrance to me. I don't want to read the horrific gruesome stories that people are dealing with. I have enough tears shed on my own situation let alone someone elses. There is so much heartbreak that people are dealing with and I don't want to place even more on me. Another thing that I am working on is recognizing my emotions and not putting them aside. Usually when I feel sad or mad I put it aside and eventually explode weeks or months later. I let everything build, even the tiny things, until they completely explode out of me without warning. I am trying to say to myself "I feel sad, I want to cry and so I will." It's strange but is going well so far. I am also trying to feel more "empowered" if you will. I like to throw myself pity parties and think, "I do this this and this for everyone else and what do I get in return? Nothing." This is so not true but at the same time I am trying to let myself do the things that I want when I want them. Today I bought some eyeshadow. I know that sounds absurd but those are things I just don't do because I think I don't deserve them. That truly sounds ridiculous but it is true. Through finding out about my husbands pornography problem, I finding a lot of flaws in myself and realizing that I need help figuring them out. I still keep hoping this will go away and that I won't have to deal with it anymore. I keep thinking that I have been dealing with this for over a month, shouldn't I be over it by now? Boo for non quick fixes. This takes time and patience. 2 Things I am not super thrilled about or good at. Hopefully as I work on my own honest emotions I will be able to overcome. Speaking of which, what does overcome even mean? What determines this being over with? Those are annoying thoughts (sigh). How do I know when life is "normal" and "all better" again? Will it ever be?