Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Another Day

It was another wonderful day of therapy! haha Those words don't belong together in the same sentence. Today went well, I am not nearly as physically exhausted as I was last week after the meeting. Today I met with the counselor without my husband and opened up a little more. I have been struggling whether or not I should research pornography extensively or just leanr about what I am specifically dealing with. She told me to try different outlets and to see how they feel. That sounds so therapy like doesn't it? At this point I feel like researching it extensively would be a hindrance to me. I don't want to read the horrific gruesome stories that people are dealing with. I have enough tears shed on my own situation let alone someone elses. There is so much heartbreak that people are dealing with and I don't want to place even more on me. Another thing that I am working on is recognizing my emotions and not putting them aside. Usually when I feel sad or mad I put it aside and eventually explode weeks or months later. I let everything build, even the tiny things, until they completely explode out of me without warning. I am trying to say to myself "I feel sad, I want to cry and so I will." It's strange but is going well so far. I am also trying to feel more "empowered" if you will. I like to throw myself pity parties and think, "I do this this and this for everyone else and what do I get in return? Nothing." This is so not true but at the same time I am trying to let myself do the things that I want when I want them. Today I bought some eyeshadow. I know that sounds absurd but those are things I just don't do because I think I don't deserve them. That truly sounds ridiculous but it is true. Through finding out about my husbands pornography problem, I finding a lot of flaws in myself and realizing that I need help figuring them out. I still keep hoping this will go away and that I won't have to deal with it anymore. I keep thinking that I have been dealing with this for over a month, shouldn't I be over it by now? Boo for non quick fixes. This takes time and patience. 2 Things I am not super thrilled about or good at. Hopefully as I work on my own honest emotions I will be able to overcome. Speaking of which, what does overcome even mean? What determines this being over with? Those are annoying thoughts (sigh). How do I know when life is "normal" and "all better" again? Will it ever be?

1 comment:

  1. I have had the opportunity to rub shoulders with some women who have walked this path and while it's been heartbreaking to see what they have gone through, I have been so inspired as well.

    This is how it came to be.... I'm an editor of a missionary-minded website. We'd had women continuously searching on this topic on our website, so we decided to find some women who would share their stories.

    But then I was overwhelmed with all the women commenting and needing help and support! They needed women who could talk to them about walking this path. I'm indebted to women like Sara and Rhyll (you can find their stories in our stories index here: ) who are doing a lot to help women in your situation and have helped me help our readers. And interacting with them has motivated me to continue to try to reach out to others online to share what they are doing to help. Hence my long comment. ;)

    Sara runs an online support group for wives of addicts and Rhyll and her husband (himself an addict) founded an organization called SA Lifeline.

    I've shared some of their resources and some others on our site. If you have any to add, please let me know.

    I know you are feeling like you don't want to research a lot right now, so definitely follow what you feel. But I wanted to share in case some of your readers are looking for some material to read, or if you decide you want to peruse some of the material. I can also connect you with Sara and with the people at SA Lifeline if you would like.

    Best to you in this difficult journey. For what it's worth, I'm feeling some of the similar strength from you that I felt from these women who have found healing and who are now helping others have hope. ;) Of course, I hate seeing women go through this, but I also have been blown away by the strength of women who have found healing, and it has strengthened my testimony to hear of their faith and experiences with the Atonement. Your faith is strong. It shows. Keep it up.



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