Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Life Changing

On June 1, 2011 my world got turned completely upside down. Finding out about my husbands pornography addiction was the most heart breaking experience of my life. The events leading up to this night are very interesting as I now look back and I am truly grateful for how it was all uncovered. A few months earlier the Bishop in our ward advised the women to directly ask their husbands if they suffered from this addiction. On the way home from church we talked about pornography addiction but I did not directly ask and he didn't fess up. I put it behind me. The weekend before I found out we were at his parents house, who are pornography recovery specialists, and they talked a great deal about it to us. I was informed of many statistics and stories that seriously shocked me. I was very naive to how rampant pornography is in our society. I once again didn't even think it would EVER effect my family. Then 2 days before my husband told me that his brother, whom we greatly admire, suffers from this addiction. I was SHOCKED. He is one of the most amazing people I knew, how could he of all people succomb to this evil I thought. I was saddened by this information but once again disregarded it. However, this time it wouldn't leave my mind. Finally on June 1, I asked my husband if he suffered from an addiction and he admitted that he did. I was so surprised and heart broken. How? Why? Why me? I have lived a righteous life and we were married in the Temple. You went on a mission. We go to Church. We help others. How in the world could this have been secretly in my life without me even knowing. The emotions that I felt throughout the next few days were beyond anything I had ever felt before. I sobbed for hours on end. I was completely disfunctional and unable to parent at some points in my day. I thought through my options and discussed with my husband for hours. I wanted so badly to run away and pretend it never happened. Well, life doesn't work that way. I had to deal with this. I knew it wasn't going to be enjoyable or easy but I knew that I could do it. I knew I HAD to do it, for my family and for my kids.

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