Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Where's the off switch?

So sometimes I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that we except our husbands to be able to flip a switch and have no more problems with pornography, masturbation, or whatever else this addiction has brought into our lives. Well, unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of these men have suffered from this addiction for more than a decade and for them to just 'flip a switch' really isn't possible. Addiction rewires the brain. To heal they have to rewire it again. Their addictions have taken years to escapade and in order to truly heal, it will take time as well. I know, what a bummer. Sorry. Whomever finds a cure to addiction will be rich! If only they could confess and be 'fixed' right? We, as wives need to be supportive and understanding of the time this will take WITHOUT putting ourselves in a dangerous place. We all differ in severity, recovery, willingness to recover, and actual sobriety. I cannot speak for everyone by any means but I do feel that it is important that we all understand that healing and sobriety are not immediate. Just as healing for ourselves will not be immediate. Healing our hearts is similar to healing our physical wounds. It physically hurts at times, does not happen in an instance, and occasionally leaves a scar or does not work exactly the way it did before. Time is one of those answers that honestly annoys me. Maybe because I know it is so true. Whether you have stayed with or have parted ways with your spouse you have to heal yourself. He has to decide ON HIS OWN if he is going to heal himself. We can love, support and encourage him but we cannot expect an overnight miracle. Choose what will work for YOU. Do what YOU have to do to heal yourself and realize that your husband is not going to be better by tonight. He can do this if he chooses but it may be a longer process than you had hoped for. I personally have chosen to stand by my husband. I encourage and support him. I go to 12 step recovery meetings for myself. I blog for myself. I pray and ask for guidance for both of us. We chat about how he is feeling and what tempts him. He trys again and I continue to support if he slips. We have realized that this is forever part of lives. Something that we want to make sure we are aware of and teach our kids about. He will not slip his whole life but it is something that will be discussed and watched out for. The world we live in makes this a very difficult addiction to overcome. They don't simply get to avoid the bar they got drunk in. They have to somehow find other outlets and activities to avoid what no one can miss if they are living breathing souls. Immodesty, television, internet ads, Victoria Secret, the swimming pool, etc. We do not live in a condusive environment for healing but with Heavenly Father's help we can be whole again. Our life may be different but who knows, maybe different is better. Be patient with your husband. Be patient with yourself. The wound is open and will heal as long as you allow and assist it to.

5 comments:

  1. I heard this analogy at a 12 Step meeting that I attended and it helped me to understand slips vs relapse. Let's say you're taking a road trip, say from Provo, Utah to Logan, Utah. You set out on I-15 motivated to reach your destination. You drive a few miles down the interstate and you decide to make a short stop off in Lindon. You drive around a bit and get back on the interstate, once again motivated to reach your destination. You take another detour, this time for a little longer and you actually get lost for a short while, but you find your way back to the interstate and again focus on your destination. This contintues over and over again but you do make progress and you eventually reach your destination. Your destination was worth all that you went through to get there.
    This is what a "slip" is like, your husband is in recovery and is doing well. He has a slip but quickly realizes that he needs to get back on the right track. He still works his 12 Steps and attends his meetings and does all that he knows he needs to do for his recovery. He doesn't start all over, but he picks up where he was before his slip.
    A relapse is when our husband had one slip, then another and another, and doesn't get back on the right road but falls back into his old unhealthy habits. This is a relapse.
    As wives we have to have the courage and trust in the Lord to do what we need to do. I have sat in many 12 Step meetings and listened as women share their journey. You can gain the strength and support you need if you work the 12 Steps for yourself.
    (Thanks for letting me share. I know I've rambled. I hope it makes some kind of sense.)

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    1. we may just be in the same 12 step group ;) thank you for sharing.

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  2. Ugh. I hate that this is so true. :) I have learned to be kinder to time. More accepting of it. I feel like once I realized that this may be a life-long struggle, I was able to understand it much more. Sure, I wish we could turn it off like a light switch.

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  3. I just wanted to let you know that I just saw an offensive ad on your blog - it was for a horrible site called handleitright.com, which provides services of secrecy?? Including how to get a hotel room without the charge showing up on your personal credit card bill. Can you please take the ads off if there isn't a way to determine which ones show up? Then feel free to delete this comment, I just didn't know how else to contact you.

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    1. I am SOO sorry. THANK YOU for the heads up. I thought I had taken ads off a while ago so I haven't checked them at all. Thank you, I hope that I have successfully removed them this time. I really apologize for that.

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