Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Softened Heart
My heart aches for the pain I see in my friends going through this pornography addiction recovery. They have done nothing wrong yet they are still aching and suffering without anyone knowing. Their hearts and souls are broken and there is no medication big enough or fast enough to heal it. Can you imagine? Yes, you can imagine. You can imagine because you are either here or you have been here recently. When I was in my first stages of severe agony and heart break I was almost dysfunctional. Really. I cried much of my days and my kids were not being provided for as they should. I read an article in the Ensign about 'Choosing Happiness'. (I've posted about this previously). I decided that day that even though my life felt out of control and unfair that I could choose to be happy. I chose to soften my heart towards my husband. I chose to push away the thoughts of what he had done. I chose to respect him and love him again. I chose to serve him and be served by him again. Ultimately I chose to love the good man that I knew he was behind this addiction. The days following did not become perfect and I still cry from time to time. However, I am happy. I love him and respect him. I have chosen to trust him. I know this is difficult for many but I have found that it is much less stressful to trust than to speculate every movement, breath, and action he makes. I am not responsible for his actions past, present, or future. I am not responsible for his decisions and I cannot change him no matter how hard I try. I am however responsible for my own actions. For my own feelings and thoughts. For the way I treat him and others around me. I am responsible for taking care of myself and my family. By choosing to be happy and softening my heart towards my husband who is trying his best I have found peace. I have been able to love myself and love him again. I support and respect the man that he is. He is trying. Your husband is trying. Encourage them. Be proud of them. Choose to be happy for his willingness to try. Choose to be happy for the many blessings that you do have. Choose to serve your husband and the Lord will bless you. You are responsible for your own actions and decisions, no one else's. Be the person whom you know you can and want to be. Choosing to do something totally opposite from what your brain and body is telling you is difficult but as you redirect your thoughts and attitude towards happiness you will see a mighty change of heart. A softened heart who loves and serves again.
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I'm so glad you are still able to find happiness in such a rotten situation... You are in control of YOU. Period. Your optimism shines through! But I do just want to remind you that it is OKAY to grieve sometimes.... It's okay, it's normal, and it's healthy! You're hurting and every time your husband messes up again, he hurts you all over again.... it's okay not to be Superwoman everyday (although it would be awesome if we were huh?) ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite blog posts by Maurice. Hits the nail right on the head!
http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2011-09-29T10:10:00-06:00&max-results=7
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. It's hard to trust after being lied to (often again and again). It's hard, but it's possible. And it's up to us to be in charge of our happiness. One thing my husband and I have started doing that has helped a TON in the trust realm is that we talk about this every Sunday evening after our kids are in bed. It has become a routine. He tells me how his week went, if he had any bad thoughts or did anything bad, he tells me how he's doing emotionally, he tells me his plans for the week and how he's going to strengthen himself, and then I tell him how I have been doing and my plans for strengthening myself during the week. Before, I would wonder every day if something was happening. I'd struggle to know when to bring things up. Now I know when we'll talk about it. And what's really interesting is that talking openly about it once a week has made us both more comfortable with talking about it randomly throughout the week. Communication is getting easier. Having that designated time to talk makes it so much easier for me to not "speculate every movement, breath, and action he makes." If you don't already do this, I highly recommend it.
ReplyDeleteWife A, thanks for posting this!!
ReplyDeleteMAC we did this in the beginning and it was incredibly beneficial. We now discuss it on a less regular basis but we do it still. It has been very helpful in my healing and trusting him again.
ReplyDeleteJ I definitely wish we could all be superwoman in the fact of always being happy. (We're superwomen in other areas;) I still have rough times and days but overall I am happy because of the reasons I blogged. Life is full of heartache and you most certainly have to feel those painful emotions but we can all still choose to be happy amongst the muck in our life.
Thanks for reading and commenting everyone, I hope my blog inspires and encourages you!