Monday, February 20, 2012


This is the definition of intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. If you are like me you use the word intimate and sex interchangably when in reality they are not the same thing. I want to write a post about this and hope that more posts or possibly even page a dedicated to the subject will be added because this is something that I have personally struggled with from the very beginning of our marriage. As I have gone through and seen what topics are getting the most hits the few discussions on sex have been hit a lot! Maybe because it is a topic that no body wants to talk about openly, I know I sure don't like talking about it. To set the stage, here is how my brain works for those of you who don't know me (which is pretty much all of you). First off I don't like being naked. I think sex is physically just gross and dirty and I am not a touchy/cuddly person. All these factors make it very difficult to allow sex to happen, trust me. I go in spurts of trying to overcome my problems and spurts of not caring. My husband and I use to just ignore the problem until I learned about this pornography problem. Somehow that made me want to improve this area of my life. Initially no, but after time yes. We have read books, talked openly, we have even made 'goals' of how to improve our sex life. It's sounds crazy writing this all down. I feel like kind of an idiot for my 'problem' to be honest but I think that other women may be in my same position. This is definitely still a work in progress for me but I am trying my best to figure it out. There are a few things that are working for me that may help you. Let me first go over what has nothing in my opinion to do with the pornography issue. I had to mentally tell myself that sex is important and necessary in a healthy marriage. This was a really strange concept to me, truthfully. I am perfectly happy without it but my husband not so much (and probably most men in general). We were able to communicate what each one of us needed. Me: a clean house, happy children, service and kind words from my spouse. Husband: cuddling, hugs and kisses, intimacy, and sex. We were able to realize that his needs and mine were different yet both very important to our individual happiness. We both have to try to provide these things for each other to create a happy, long, successful marriage. I had to tell myself that sex isn't gross (let's be honest, it is but I just told myself it isn't) haha it's true. So what your reading sounds funny but it's what I did. I totally told my brain these things. Just talked myself into it!
Now on to dealing with intimacy and sex with a husband that has a pornography addiction. Initially I was so uncomfortable changing in front of him, being naked ever, being touched, being looked at, pretty much everything! I didn't know what he had seen and what he was seeing when he looked at me. It was tearing me apart. I finally asked him. Yup, that easy, I asked him. I expressed all of my concerns and how uncomfortable I was. He was able to answer all my questions and put my mind a little more at ease. I once again had to make a mental decision to put it behind me. If I continued to let these thoughts race through my mind I was literally going to go crazy. For me, I had to dismiss them. I still have unwanted thoughts of what he has seen or what he see's on me but I try to immediately push them away. This is Satan working. He is trying to degrade me. He is trying to ruin my marriage. He is trying to ruin the intimacy and good sex life my husband and I are trying so very hard to create. Satan is wise. He is cunning. He is out to get us, but we can stop him. 'He may have power to bruise our heal but we will have power to crush his head' says a scripture somewhere I believe. Satan can be pushed out out of heads and he needs to be.
Get Satan out of your head. Don't let him win. Start small, if you don't feel comfortable with sex yet that is OK! Let him sleep in the same bed with you again. Hold his hand or cuddle him on the couch. Kiss him on the forehead or if you dare the lips ;) He needs your affection. You need him. You may have to step out of your comfort zone but do it. Push Satan away and work on those hard things in life. Intimacy and sex are part of Heavenly Father's plan. It is meant to be used for good and unfortunately we have seen first hand it used for evil. Talk with your husband about what is going through your head. Let him reassure you. Find out what he needs and let him know what you  need. Strive to provide those things for him as best you can and make sure he is doing his part (kindly) towards you. Make your marriage good again. Push Satan out, he has been here long enough!
This I know is a very touchy subject and I hope to not offend anyone. I struggle with intimacy and sex quite a bit and am trying to improve it in my own marriage. I hope that if you have any insight that you will please share it with me. I wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.


  1. Interesting post!

    I feel like I'm the complete opposite of you- not in regards to continuing a sexual relationship with an addict husband (we separated and divorced so I won't get into that because I have no clue how hard that would be- I do commend any woman who is in that position because that because I think that would be so sooooooo trying)- but in sexuality as a whole.

    I love sex- when I was having it anyway. I always loved it. I might not have been the initiator or aggressive by wanting it all the time, but when we did have it, I enjoyed. Every time. It was never a drag for me. I never found it gross or embarrassing or anything like that. In fact, I loved talking about it with him.

    I had no problem being naked in front of him either (and no, I don't have some rockin' body... I'm soft and cheesy lol)- even with lights on. Sure there were times I would feel a little embarrassed, but I got over it really quickly. There was something just so incredibly special about sex to me. I loved being so close with someone... I loved sharing that bond with someone... knowing that it was something only we shared together.

    Well that all came crashing down when I discovered he was in fact unfaithful... (I won't get into that... same ol story)...

    If you put the porn and the cheating and all of that aside, I think sex is wonderful and it is SOOOOOOOO important in a relationship. I've learned so much from what I've been through and apart of that is redefining my role as a wife, friend, AND lover to my future husband.

    Again, I know I'm not relating to what your going through, trying to rekindle that relationship with an addict, but the way you describe sex sounds like it's something you've always felt? I understand you can't help that and I'm in no way judging you, but I do think that this is slightly concerning. Not because it's you... but because you are the ump-millionth friend I know who feels this way. They feel dirty, they feel embarrassed, they feel ashamed, they feel uncomfortable, they don't like it, they could love forever without it, they can't stand it, so.... they don't do it- or they grudgingly do... which isn't particularly good. And if I felt all of these things, I wouldn't want to do it either.

    I think this might have something to do with this whole 'shhhhh' thing we've got going on in the church. I completely understand that it's scared... I understand that it should be private... but to a point. I have some many close friends who had NO IDEA what to expect on their honeymoon and they were terrified and SHOCKED at what was expected. I was terrified, yes, but I did know what to expect... because I had conversations with my mom (and dad... yikes! lol) before I was married. They offered suggestions and tips that they thought might help. And of course I learned from my friends throughout middle school and highschool... nothing too intense but just the basic stuff.

    To be continued-post too long!


  2. I think because we protect ourselves so much... everything is so private... for however many years (until we are well into being a woman and our adult years) before we are married, it's hard to break that over night. It's 'NO NO NO NO... and then in it's suddenly GO GO GO GO". It's traumatizing. I felt it the first few adys of marriage... I felt weird... and a little guilty... I felt that my virtue was tarnished because I was doing things with my husband that feel wrong and dirty, when in reality it is beautiful and binding. I got over it quick and never felt it again... But I feel bad for those women who don't enjoy sex.

    Not sure where I'm going with this... and of course this is all just my humble opinion.... and I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds here...

    Just wondering if this is something you'd be willing to talk to your therapist about? Especially since you are in a relationship with an addict? That must be incredibly hard! I commend you for your efforts on this... hang in there. Maybe you could try spicing up the love life? LOL... get a hotel somewhere for a night! Buy something sexy from Vicki's Secret that you feel sexy AND comfortable in! Get a sexy silk robe you can wear at night when you're getting ready for bed (we all know that G's can be painful a times.. ha!)!

    I just feel bad reading this post... I genuinely love sex. I loved talking about it (with my then husband), I loved buying and wearing lingerie sometimes, I loved feeling that connection. I never felt it was gross... ever.

    Not sure what you do about this but I know you're not alone! Like I said, almost all my friends who I've talked to about sex feel exactly this or aspects of what you wrote....

    I'll be interested to what the other ladies write about this!

    You're doing great! XOXOXOXO

  3. Thanks for your comment! It is something I am getting better at because I totally agree with you. It is wonderful. It is enjoyable and it is IMPORTANT!! So important! That is why I want to post about it to help others in my position. Maybe I didn't come off how I wanted but I will continue to post on this subject because it is incredibly important and such an untalked about subject that needs addressed... kinda like pornography. haha, Ironic? Anyways thank you for your comment. I am learning a lot about intimacy/sex and I do enjoy it in the moment its more of my mental state before and after that I struggle with. I hope to continue to learn and share with others in my similar position because sex is an absolute! in a good marriage.

  4. I would think that you need to figure out why sex seems gross to you. Did your parents always teach you that it was bad or something? I know that happened to a family member of mine and it took several years of marriage for him (that's right- a GUY felt weird about sex) to have a positive attitude toward sex.

    For me, as a teenager, I was always afraid of being caught doing something bad, so I didn't even like to kiss guys for a long time. Once I got going though, well it led me pretty far pretty quickly and that was no good either. I had a few sexual, but shallow relationships for about 5 years before finally escaping that lifestyle and getting back to where I was comfortable being on my own. It took some counseling with a loving bishop and a therapist, and time. Lots of time.

    When I met my husband, I was scared to tell him about my past. But I did and he was so loving and wasn't really phased because I wasn't living like that any more. We dated 8 months before getting married in the temple (truly my weakness with chastity had become a strength). We were both amazed by how comfortable we were together after being married. We talked about how a day earlier it would not have been the same. I don't know why we were so comfortable. I don't like being naked in front of anyone. I wear long shorts to swim, I'd rather not go to the dr for anything too personal, but it was easy with my husband. Maybe because we TALKED so much.

    There have been a couple times in our marriage where things have been strained and it's always because we stop communicating. If there was any advice I could give, it would be to talk about everything. Every thing. Hopes, fears, expectations, needs. This is your eternal companion. The sooner you know each other, the sooner you can truly enjoy each other in every way. And when trouble for either of you comes (as it will) you can be their biggest cheerleader and friend. Helpmeet even?

    On intimacy, I LOVE intimacy, but I think I define it differently than my husband. I love hugs, holding hands, sitting close, kissing. I like sex plenty, but I get so much joy and satisfaction from cuddling that I can "go without" for longer than my husband. I try to keep in mind that he has needs that are just as important as mine, and sometimes he needs sex. It's good for his ego. It's good for our relationship. It's good for our health. :)

    I feel like I could write a novel too. Wherever I am with my husband (and I feel like it's a great place) it's been a process. We've been married 7 years now and I feel like it's just been in the last year that we've past a point where from here on, we can be honest with each other in a way that we weren't ready for earlier. It's almost like we weren't ready to trust each other completely sooner. We were still holding part of ourselves back. We were too nervous to share fears or hurts or concerns with each other. Like we were afraid of rejection or something.

    I'm rambling again. In summary: talk talk talk. Then talk some more!


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