Sunday, July 31, 2011


I've been rummaging through my thoughts, trying to decide where to start my words, as I've been dealing with this for the last five years. In that time I've cringed and cried a lot. I've gotten lost in my thoughts and pain a lot. I've shoved myself and my feelings aside a lot. I've felt anger and resentment, betrayal and frustration. Countless hours spent on my knees pleading for help, anything, big or small, deep or shallow, breadth or sliver, I didn't care...something, anything. Not just for my husband to get to the place he is now, but for me to fully forgive, truly be whole, and trust again. What I've found so far is this. It is my responsibility to forgive - by commandment. I am whole as long as I am being an active participant in the atonement with my Savior (recognizing and working on my own shortcomings and weaknesses). And trust, well, trust belongs in one place, and one place only. God. Trust in God that he will guide me, help me, lift me, inspire me, and love me. Love me. He loves me. When in the bitterest of angst that knowledge has sustained my endurance. His love is powerful, healing, and all-encompassing. At times, the dominance of love felt from the Lord has made scars melt away. Scars that felt they would always be there, a wound healed but the evidence still apparent. Gone, because they are obsolete when confronted with the love of God. It is nothing short of miraculous. As is my respect for my husband. To see him so beaten down from literally the only thing he hadn't been able to overcome by humble and pained, so tormented by this seemingly unshakable object. I've never had so much respect for someone as I do him. Unsure and blindly we forged into this process, so slowly at first but gaining successful momentum. Sure, I still cringe and want to hurl in the nearest garbage when my husband and I walk down the hall of the mall, unable to avoid Victoria Secret. Pornography is like the sunlight, touching everywhere and at some point during the day or year, touching what it hadn't just hours before. It is in a way unavoidable. To put it as my husband does, "You're either fighting it, or condoning it. Not in between." We're now fighting. But it isn't a destination that we are fighting our way to. It is the refining process, the habits, the fully engaged and aware lifestyle. We've come so far, and we have so much more to go. This is where I am. Undoubtedly, I have overlooked and unacknowledged feelings that at times pop up unexpectedly and without being prompted. For future posts, I'd rather not "rehash" necessarily, however, the past is what brought us to where we are now. For that reason, my posts may seem unconsecutive and random, but I plan to delve, heal, learn, and share further.

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