Boundary #1

So when the hubs and I got married 4 plus years ago we discussed the importance of not being alone with the opposite sex, regardless of who the person was; neighbor, friend, getting a ride home, church member, blah blah blah... I had no idea of the addiction at that time but agreed that it was a good rule of thumb to adhere to. I'm a youngin' so when my friends starting coming home from missions I would facebook them or run into them places and chat for a few minutes and go along my way. When my ex-boyfriend from high school came home I friended him on facebook, quickly realized it was a bad idea and unfriended him. When my best friend from high school (a guy) came home we said our hellos and kept in contact again. He married a great girl from high school and so we (my hubs and I and my best guy friend and his wife) got together one time to have a game night. After that night my husband informed me that we would not be having them over again. I was annoyed beyond belief. 'Um, they are my friends, what is the big deal?' My husband felt uncomfortable with how well we knew each other (the guy and I). It wasn't that we were lovey dovey, even sat too close, or ever even did a darn thing romantically during high school. It was the fact that we had too friendly of a connection. Something that is a problem for a guy and girl to have if they are not married. We knew each other so well, too well for married people to know about another married person. We were the type of friends that told each other about what we did during the weekend with my boyfriend, and his girlfriend. We gave each other advice during high school. We were always each others back up dates. We would hang out because no one else could. We took easy classes together so we could just hang out. I finally understood my husbands point. My husband was not concerned that I would leave him or go sleep with this friend of mine. It was the fact that I might call him if I was frustrated. That I might rely on him for advice. That I might hang out with him without our spouses around (even innocently). In my husband and I's opinion this is not ok. We do not lean on another person of the opposite sex for support. Even if we know nothing bad will ever happen, the fact that you are telling someone besides your spouse your inner most feelings is not good for a marriage. Our spouses are the ones we should be leaning on, asking for support, hanging out with when we are bored, lending a shoulder when we are sad. Now, you might be saying, 'Ok, crazy Wife A, my husband is the source of all my pain, the reason why I need a shoulder to cry on.' We have all totally and maybe still are there. We do need other support besides just our spouse, espeically when our spouse is creating all the problems. However, during these times that our spouse is creating all the heartache on us I think it is the time to be EXTRA cautious of who we seek out. I can't imagine if I had stayed buddy buddy with this guy from high school, the addiction came to light, and I turned to my guy friend for support. The bond between the guy friend and I would have grown immensely when the bond between my husband and I would have continued down the drain... Not good!!! Does that make sense? I guess I just feel sooo strongly that it is so important for the man in your life to be the only man in your life! Whether he is the source of all your pain or not. At one point in the past and hopefully again, he will be the source of all your happiness. Do not let another man step in to your husbands role and be the listening ear. By all means we need listening ears, we need shoulders to cry on. We need support in times of greatest trial. Turn to your mom, sister, friend, blogging, 12 step meeting, Heavenly Father, Bishop, me :), or another support person of the same sex. Do not put your marriage in more jeopardy that it already is. As with all my posts, this is my opinion. This is what works for me and what I know to be true for my life. Please do not take anything I write offensively for I know we all walk different paths. I write only the things which I feel strongly about and that are important to me. I do write them however to possibly spark an idea to change someone for good.

Don't Bash

So let's just start by saying I am totally not perfect at this but it is still one of my pet peeves. What is this pet peeve you may ask... Let me tell you. Bashing and complaining about our husbands. TOTALLY not necessary and a terrible idea really. This applys to everyone regardless of an addiction or not. It applies to all of us as humans too, not just in a marriage. There is always something to complain about in life. There is. But complaining just makes things worse. Like I said, I am not perfect at this but sometimes listening to someone complain about their husband is just ridiculous, uncalled for, and annoying. I feel like so many of us (me included) expect our husbands to be super-human and perfect in every way. Doing every little thing we ever dreamed of or see on tv. (Those characters on tv, they're characters, NOT rael people... just a little fyi for ya.) Our husbands are suppose to make millions of dollars, do the dishes and take out the garbage without being asked, be chipper after work allowing us to rest from our exhausting motherly duties, rub our feet and back every night, get the children to bed without any fits, etc, etc.  Well guess what? They are not super-human. They are just like us. They have weaknesses, they have tempers, they have addictions they are working on, they have a need to be appreciated/loved, they get hungry and tired, they get worn-out, just like you and me. Therefore, complaining about them is totally hypocritical. I lose my temper at least once a day. I am exhausted all the time. I want to feel appreciated and loved, and most of the time I am quite worn out. And do you know what the last thing I want? Is to be complained about by my spouse. I don't want him to be critical of me and I especially don't want him degrading me to his friends. So let's not do that about them. May we all give our husbands a break. May they give us a break. Let's be a partnership to help ease the load on the other. For those of you doing this alone right now, keep fighting. I don't know the pain and heartache you carry but I know you are amazing and that you can do this. So many people love you and support you. I don't mean at all to leave you out on this post but I just feel like writing about this today. Something that I have found to work for me is that when my husband doesn't do something that I 'expect' him to do, I do it myself. I am a capable person, I can do it, just like he can. I need to work on my attitude when I do it myself because I am onery for about 5 minutes but then get over it because the task is done. Rather if I wait for him to do it (not knowing how long it will take) I am onery that entire time! Not good. Then I usually remind him when I am cooled down that, 'hey I would really appreciate it if you did such and such'. For me personally, I was suuuuuper independent before I got married. Apparently me signing the marriage certificate told my brain to become completely dependent on my husband. We absolutely need to depend on each other but to some extent. For example, today one of my kids bike needed some adjustments. No big deal right? So I got out the tools and did it instead of waiting for my husband to come home and do it. Typically my brain would tell me, that's a dad thing just wait. But no I could do this. My child wanted to ride the bike and I could do this easily and I did. I feel like this post is going no where but I guess I just get so annoyed when woman complain about their spouse (legitimate reason or not). You chose to marry this person. Don't degrade them, espeically in front of your kids or to other people. They are people just like me and you. We all have weaknesses. We all have rough days, weeks, or months. Don't complain about the great person, who is trying really hard, that you married however long ago.

I am Human

In case you read this blog and think, "Geez Wife A is always encouraging and sharing uplifting messages," I will now show you that this is not always true. Maybe you don't think that haha but I do really try to share uplifting messages that can help us all in our sometimes not so wonderful moments.
For the last few days I have just been down in the dumps. There really is no reason or anything big behind it. Just little things that over time build up and evenutally catapult out of my body. I have been sad, frustrated, and annoyed. Small things will make me want to cry, I'm not a cryer. It's like pregnancy hormones without the being pregnant part ;). Last night as I was once again crying to my husband about quite insignificant things he was trying to reassure me. Encourage and boost my self esteem. Then he said something to the effect of, "In reality this is probably Satan working on you. Trying to make you feel insignificant and worthless." I fully believe that and even know that yet somehow it is still hard to 'just be better'. Satan really is a bugger! He knows how to push our buttons better than anyone in this world. (And that's sayin something). I know that the things I am doing right now are right. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me and is proud of the person I am. I like the person that I am. I am grateful to be a wife, mom, and friend but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes there are too many people to worry about. My house is never going to be clean, I mean really, never. I'm not going to get thanked for everything I do, big or small. I am not going to get an award everytime I make a meal for someone or watch their kids. Dirty diapers and wet underwear are going to continue. Hardships in extended family members are going to keep coming through the years. And big decisions are going to have to be made. I am however going to be blessed by my Heavenly Father. I am going to be provided for. I can be in tune to know what I need to be doing and who I can be helping. I am going to help someone in need whether they verbally say thank you or not. I do get to stay home with my kids, which is very difficult at times, but something that I am most grateful for in this life. Occasionally my sink will have no dirty dishes in it and the floors will be crumbless, well maybe for 30 seconds. Maybe there will be one day, or one hour, of no toddler fit throwing. I guess what I am getting at is that I know life is overwhelming. I know it is difficult and I know that Satan is a nasty conniving little bugger that sometimes I really don't like. Through all of this I know that it will be ok. I can be sad and frustrated but I have to remember that life is good. I am more than blessed. I have everything I need and a lot of things I want. I trust in my Heavenly Father and I do ask him to guide me to people who need me. Therefore I should 'listen and obey' as I tell my kids and do what my Heavenly Father is asking. Life is a roller coaster of that I do know. May I cast Satans thoughts out of my head and remember what a truly blessed life I live.

Love Hate Relationship

Entertainment is a love hate relationship for me. I LOVE tv... a lot. I especially love Bachelor, Survivor, Biggest Loser, and so much more. We watch quite a bit of tv and an occasional redbox movie. I have never thought twice about what I was watching. I didn't appreciate trashy scenes or scandelous jokes and apparel but for the most part I didn't think it really mattered. I know, awful but true. Now that I am aware of this addiction I am SHOCKED and DIGUSTED with what is put into the media we watch. I get so annoyed that every film we watch is corrupted with sex and nudity. ERG!! So frustrating. I feel like we can't watch anything without holding the remote to fast forward through scenes. We have eliminated many tv shows to my sadness but it is worth it. I have been so annoyed lately though because we have watched 2 movies this month and they are such trash! It really irritates me. I feel like I should really get rid of my DVR but sadly I don't want to live without it. You probably all think I am crazy and I probably am :) but this really is so frustrating to me. The media we are living with is appalling yet I still have a hard time eliminating it. Give me the courage to rid it from my life. I really need to.