Sorry

I apologize GREATLY for those who have emailed me and not gotten a response. I would have been so frustrated and I am truly bummed I was not a better help to you out there. I hope that you will still feel free to contact me via email. I will be better, promise. I hope that you are finding hope and healing through 12 step groups, online forums, religious leaders, and any other resources you can get your hands on. Pornography addiction is REAL. So so so so so so stinkin' real. I hate it. It is hurting so many and ruining so many lives it's just ridiculous. I hurt for all of those who have been personally affected. I know, from first hand experience that recovery and healing are possible. When your spouse is ready to heal, support him. You cannot force him to want to change, unfortunately. You can however in the meantime heal yourself. Even though you are not addicted to pornography you have been sucked in and deeply wounded. You need healing. You need healing even if your husband was 'cured' tomorrow. And it is possible. Fight to be happy again. Fight to have a good marriage again. It is so worth it and so possible. You can do this!

Shamed Fundraiser

Order any Avon products you want, get it delivered to your doorstep, and donate 30% of your total to Shamed the Movie. Shop at www.youravon.com/amybangsmith and use the checkout code SHAMED. This is a cause worth fighting for!! Support at great cause and get some awesome products all in one stop... I think yes!

Shamed Teaser

Another teaser for Shamed the Movie. Click here to watch. My husband are in this one again. If you know me and need help please contact me. I will keep all information confidential. And if you don't know me and still need help, please feel free to still contact me. I want to help any of those on this hard hard journey!

Shamed the Movie

My husband and I are in here ;) I hope this movie continues to move forward! http://vimeo.com/43156792

No inspiration

Since I haven't had many insights of my own lately so I continue to post about others who do. Here is one I really like. I hope it helps you on your journey. http://familyprestige.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-i-wish-i-would-have-known.html

Amazing Post

I want to share a great post with you all. Hope you are touched just as I was. What an inspiring woman!
Click Here to read.

Face to our Story

So last week we were called and asked to put our faces on camera. We went to where the Shamed movie is being filmed and shared our story, all while the cameras were rolling. Strangely it wasn't uncomfortable or weird... I mean yes the cameras and mic in my face was weird but sharing our story wasn't. I don't know whether we will appear in the film or not but the fact that we were willing to share our story made me strangely happy. If only I had had that resource last year when this horror came to light. What a strength and encouragement it could have been to me. I do not know when or how the film is being released but I am so thankful that someday soon it will be. That women and men will have yet another resource in their arsenal. I just wanted to share that. I am very grateful to the producers of this film and hope that it will truly help many in facing this battle. And don't you all worry. If we do appear on the film we will most certainly make ourselves known here so you aren't wondering whether every person on it is me or not. Keep fighting your battles. Life is good and if it doesn't feel good right now, I promise it will soon as you keep enduring.

If she can do it, We can too!

Boundary #1

So when the hubs and I got married 4 plus years ago we discussed the importance of not being alone with the opposite sex, regardless of who the person was; neighbor, friend, getting a ride home, church member, blah blah blah... I had no idea of the addiction at that time but agreed that it was a good rule of thumb to adhere to. I'm a youngin' so when my friends starting coming home from missions I would facebook them or run into them places and chat for a few minutes and go along my way. When my ex-boyfriend from high school came home I friended him on facebook, quickly realized it was a bad idea and unfriended him. When my best friend from high school (a guy) came home we said our hellos and kept in contact again. He married a great girl from high school and so we (my hubs and I and my best guy friend and his wife) got together one time to have a game night. After that night my husband informed me that we would not be having them over again. I was annoyed beyond belief. 'Um, they are my friends, what is the big deal?' My husband felt uncomfortable with how well we knew each other (the guy and I). It wasn't that we were lovey dovey, even sat too close, or ever even did a darn thing romantically during high school. It was the fact that we had too friendly of a connection. Something that is a problem for a guy and girl to have if they are not married. We knew each other so well, too well for married people to know about another married person. We were the type of friends that told each other about what we did during the weekend with my boyfriend, and his girlfriend. We gave each other advice during high school. We were always each others back up dates. We would hang out because no one else could. We took easy classes together so we could just hang out. I finally understood my husbands point. My husband was not concerned that I would leave him or go sleep with this friend of mine. It was the fact that I might call him if I was frustrated. That I might rely on him for advice. That I might hang out with him without our spouses around (even innocently). In my husband and I's opinion this is not ok. We do not lean on another person of the opposite sex for support. Even if we know nothing bad will ever happen, the fact that you are telling someone besides your spouse your inner most feelings is not good for a marriage. Our spouses are the ones we should be leaning on, asking for support, hanging out with when we are bored, lending a shoulder when we are sad. Now, you might be saying, 'Ok, crazy Wife A, my husband is the source of all my pain, the reason why I need a shoulder to cry on.' We have all totally and maybe still are there. We do need other support besides just our spouse, espeically when our spouse is creating all the problems. However, during these times that our spouse is creating all the heartache on us I think it is the time to be EXTRA cautious of who we seek out. I can't imagine if I had stayed buddy buddy with this guy from high school, the addiction came to light, and I turned to my guy friend for support. The bond between the guy friend and I would have grown immensely when the bond between my husband and I would have continued down the drain... Not good!!! Does that make sense? I guess I just feel sooo strongly that it is so important for the man in your life to be the only man in your life! Whether he is the source of all your pain or not. At one point in the past and hopefully again, he will be the source of all your happiness. Do not let another man step in to your husbands role and be the listening ear. By all means we need listening ears, we need shoulders to cry on. We need support in times of greatest trial. Turn to your mom, sister, friend, blogging, 12 step meeting, Heavenly Father, Bishop, me :), or another support person of the same sex. Do not put your marriage in more jeopardy that it already is. As with all my posts, this is my opinion. This is what works for me and what I know to be true for my life. Please do not take anything I write offensively for I know we all walk different paths. I write only the things which I feel strongly about and that are important to me. I do write them however to possibly spark an idea to change someone for good.

Let go

This week I have been realizing that everyone, but especially us women, seem to hold on to every little thing. We remember the day and time our husband forgot to run an errand he promised he would do. We remember the only time he ever called us a name, we remember the times he has slipped, we remember every little negative thing that the man we love has ever done to hurt us. Do we remember all the times he brought us flowers, did the dishes, bathed the kids, watch them so we could have a girls night, sent an 'I love you' text, watched some stupid chick flick with us, or any other of the many things he does daily? No, we mostly remember the bad things. How sad is that? And kinda pathetic if you ask me. We are so good at holding grudges and resentment. We are so quick to forget the good and remember the bad. Well, my dear virtual friends, this needs to stop. It needs to stop if we want to have a whole marriage again. If we want to be happy. If we want to love and respect that amazing man we married. If we want to move away from the bad and continue towards the good. Do what you have to do to resolve the past and then MOVE ON. I was telling my husband tonight that in so many situations I have seen lately that it is usually the guy who created the problem but the woman who won't let it go. So our hub brings a pornography addiction into a marriage, tries to overcome it with the wifes help, and meanwhile the woman is sitting in the corner so irritated beyond belief that she can't allow their marriage to get past it. (yes, I know, total dramatization there but you get the point.) We need to make amends and allow good times back into our lives. Neither party is going to be perfect after amends are made but we can continue to try. We can continue to forgive. We can continue, or restart, to love again. Whatever is holding you back, change it. Deal with it. Acknowledge it and let it leave you. Rid it from your system. Grudges and resentment are so stinking easy to hold on to, especially for us women. Let them go, rid them forever, and you know what? I think you will be happy with the results!

What Helps

Sometimes what helps me the most is to not think about it. My mind will occasionally go places I do not like. Sometimes thoughts of how horrible and degrading pornography is creep into my mind. I have to quickly push them away because it makes me distraught. I do not like to think of what pornography actually is. Maybe this is unhealthy, I don't know, but it hurts me to actually think of what images my husband has seen. I cannot let myself go there and so I don't. I know what pornography is. I know how degrading it is. I know how addictive it is. And I do not want to waste my time thinking about it. When these thoughts come to mind I get frustrated that I have them whatsoever. I push them away as quickly as possible. I do not let myself become irritated about it because there is no use. Me being annoyed makes no difference, it just harms my mood. I have also found when these thoughts come to my head it is so much easier to dislike my husband. I don't let the thoughts of 'how could he do this' and 'why' even be answered. Pornography is an addiction! Push them away. Run away. Run towards healing, recovery, and advocacy against this awful plague.

Where's the off switch?

So sometimes I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that we except our husbands to be able to flip a switch and have no more problems with pornography, masturbation, or whatever else this addiction has brought into our lives. Well, unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of these men have suffered from this addiction for more than a decade and for them to just 'flip a switch' really isn't possible. Addiction rewires the brain. To heal they have to rewire it again. Their addictions have taken years to escapade and in order to truly heal, it will take time as well. I know, what a bummer. Sorry. Whomever finds a cure to addiction will be rich! If only they could confess and be 'fixed' right? We, as wives need to be supportive and understanding of the time this will take WITHOUT putting ourselves in a dangerous place. We all differ in severity, recovery, willingness to recover, and actual sobriety. I cannot speak for everyone by any means but I do feel that it is important that we all understand that healing and sobriety are not immediate. Just as healing for ourselves will not be immediate. Healing our hearts is similar to healing our physical wounds. It physically hurts at times, does not happen in an instance, and occasionally leaves a scar or does not work exactly the way it did before. Time is one of those answers that honestly annoys me. Maybe because I know it is so true. Whether you have stayed with or have parted ways with your spouse you have to heal yourself. He has to decide ON HIS OWN if he is going to heal himself. We can love, support and encourage him but we cannot expect an overnight miracle. Choose what will work for YOU. Do what YOU have to do to heal yourself and realize that your husband is not going to be better by tonight. He can do this if he chooses but it may be a longer process than you had hoped for. I personally have chosen to stand by my husband. I encourage and support him. I go to 12 step recovery meetings for myself. I blog for myself. I pray and ask for guidance for both of us. We chat about how he is feeling and what tempts him. He trys again and I continue to support if he slips. We have realized that this is forever part of lives. Something that we want to make sure we are aware of and teach our kids about. He will not slip his whole life but it is something that will be discussed and watched out for. The world we live in makes this a very difficult addiction to overcome. They don't simply get to avoid the bar they got drunk in. They have to somehow find other outlets and activities to avoid what no one can miss if they are living breathing souls. Immodesty, television, internet ads, Victoria Secret, the swimming pool, etc. We do not live in a condusive environment for healing but with Heavenly Father's help we can be whole again. Our life may be different but who knows, maybe different is better. Be patient with your husband. Be patient with yourself. The wound is open and will heal as long as you allow and assist it to.

Happy Easter

Today we had some fun Easter madness. Neighborhood Easter egg hunts, city Easter egg hunts, and then of course turning ourselves into the Easter bunny and scattering eggs about the house. It has been a fun filled day. Easter candy is my personal favorite candy all year! Tomorrow in church I am teaching and obviously the lesson is about the first Easter. About Jesus Christ's ressurection. As I read through the lesson it dawned on me about how important this holiday is. Usually (sadly) I don't think much about it. When in reality it is so truly important for us to remember. What a blessing the knowledge of the ressurrection is to us.
Our Savior Jesus Christ died for us. For you. For me. For our husbands. He has felt every pain for us, whether it be for our sin or for our heartache. I know that Easter is more for focusing on the ressurrection but tonight I have focused on the Atonement. The knowledge I have that Jesus Christ died for us. That He died for my husbands sin's. He died for my sins, and more importantly for me right now, He felt the hearthache that I feel through this trial. Jesus Christ knows exactly how I feel. The Atonement is not only for the purpose of forgiveness. I have felt Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through this trial. I have had tender mercies, prayers answers, and yes even miracles during what has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have been able to rely on my Heavenly Father, trusting in Him, leaning on Him. I have prayed for help and strength. Begged and pleaded at times for the things I thought I needed. He has never left me. He has provided for me in more ways than I asked. I know Jesus Christ has felt your pain. He has felt mine and he knows ever so well our husbands pain. The Atonement is real and I know it. I hope that you know it too and if you don't, seek it out. This Easter weekend remember Him. Remember Jesus Christ and what He has done and does for us. He loves us and wants us to be happy. We can lean on Him in times of trial or happiness. This I do know and hope that you can too. Happy Easter! 

Don't Bash

So let's just start by saying I am totally not perfect at this but it is still one of my pet peeves. What is this pet peeve you may ask... Let me tell you. Bashing and complaining about our husbands. TOTALLY not necessary and a terrible idea really. This applys to everyone regardless of an addiction or not. It applies to all of us as humans too, not just in a marriage. There is always something to complain about in life. There is. But complaining just makes things worse. Like I said, I am not perfect at this but sometimes listening to someone complain about their husband is just ridiculous, uncalled for, and annoying. I feel like so many of us (me included) expect our husbands to be super-human and perfect in every way. Doing every little thing we ever dreamed of or see on tv. (Those characters on tv, they're characters, NOT rael people... just a little fyi for ya.) Our husbands are suppose to make millions of dollars, do the dishes and take out the garbage without being asked, be chipper after work allowing us to rest from our exhausting motherly duties, rub our feet and back every night, get the children to bed without any fits, etc, etc.  Well guess what? They are not super-human. They are just like us. They have weaknesses, they have tempers, they have addictions they are working on, they have a need to be appreciated/loved, they get hungry and tired, they get worn-out, just like you and me. Therefore, complaining about them is totally hypocritical. I lose my temper at least once a day. I am exhausted all the time. I want to feel appreciated and loved, and most of the time I am quite worn out. And do you know what the last thing I want? Is to be complained about by my spouse. I don't want him to be critical of me and I especially don't want him degrading me to his friends. So let's not do that about them. May we all give our husbands a break. May they give us a break. Let's be a partnership to help ease the load on the other. For those of you doing this alone right now, keep fighting. I don't know the pain and heartache you carry but I know you are amazing and that you can do this. So many people love you and support you. I don't mean at all to leave you out on this post but I just feel like writing about this today. Something that I have found to work for me is that when my husband doesn't do something that I 'expect' him to do, I do it myself. I am a capable person, I can do it, just like he can. I need to work on my attitude when I do it myself because I am onery for about 5 minutes but then get over it because the task is done. Rather if I wait for him to do it (not knowing how long it will take) I am onery that entire time! Not good. Then I usually remind him when I am cooled down that, 'hey I would really appreciate it if you did such and such'. For me personally, I was suuuuuper independent before I got married. Apparently me signing the marriage certificate told my brain to become completely dependent on my husband. We absolutely need to depend on each other but to some extent. For example, today one of my kids bike needed some adjustments. No big deal right? So I got out the tools and did it instead of waiting for my husband to come home and do it. Typically my brain would tell me, that's a dad thing just wait. But no I could do this. My child wanted to ride the bike and I could do this easily and I did. I feel like this post is going no where but I guess I just get so annoyed when woman complain about their spouse (legitimate reason or not). You chose to marry this person. Don't degrade them, espeically in front of your kids or to other people. They are people just like me and you. We all have weaknesses. We all have rough days, weeks, or months. Don't complain about the great person, who is trying really hard, that you married however long ago.

Don't Worry...

I know you have all been so panicked, probably losing lots of sleep at night (haha)... You probably thought I feel off the planet or something... Nope, still here just been busy I guess, or maybe I haven't known what to blog about. Anyways here I am again. I feel like I kind of repeat myself over and over on this blog about the same things but I guess it's because that is what's always on my mind. A while back I had the crazy idea of making my blog known. Like Jacy has done. I love it because putting a name, face, and story together is so much more real. I have thought on occasion as well, 'What if my best friend reads this blog and has no idea that this is me? She might need help, support, things which I could do for her but she doesn't even know this is me.' I mean what do I have to lose? Everyone who reads this thing is in my boat. If they read it so that they figure out who I am and judge me that is a little messed up right? Anyways it is still a little frightening to me. My husband and I interviewed a few weeks ago to possibly be part of the Shamed movie (who knows if they'll need us or not) but if we did that everyone would see our faces and names, yet we don't care. We want to help someone, anyone. We know the misery and we know the joy of recovery as well. If people choose to judge us that is there problem rnot ours. So anyways, back to showing myself on this blog... I will think about it. Chat with the hubs... Make a decision... And who knows... Maybe you might know me... Maybe I am your best friend... Maybe your neighbor... Maybe I am your daughter or sister... Or maybe I am a stranger... But a stranger who knows your pain, who knows your journey, who knows your heartache and who also knows your joy (or the joy you will soon have again). Whether I show my face and share my name I guess it doesn't really matter. My story is still the same. Pornography addiction sucks, it's difficult and painful, it's miserable and degrading, it's 'a million unkind words, HOWEVER happiness is possible again. Recovery is possible again. That 'perfect little mormon family' is possible again. Fight this plague. Support your hubs through his recovery and more importantly (hey happy wife happy life, right?) help yourself. Make yourself a priority and do whatever you have to to be happy again. I promise you it is possible and it is so incredibily worth it! 

Worth 2 seconds of your time

Saw this posted on facebook. It took me literally 2 seconds to sign. Definitely worth my time :). Hope you will do the same!

Click here to sign the petition.

Dear Husband

This morning my husbands uncle died. It was completely unexpected and shocking to everyone. He is young. Early 50's. I haven't dealt with a ton of death in my life, thankfully, and this is about the closest it has hit. We know him and hi kids quite well. As I have reflected on death today and how it would be to not have someone around that I truly love I thought of my husband. I thought about how difficult it would be to lose him. For him to be completely gone and out of my life. Of how hard it would be even with my testimony and knowledge that I would be with him again. Then I thought if I were to die would he know how much I truly loved him? Have I shown my love and appreciation throughout our marriage or would he be left to wonder? He knows I love him but does he really know? I don't mean this to be morbid at all but as I have thought about it today I wanted to write a letter to my husband. Telling my husband what I hope he would know if I were to be gone in an instance.

 Dear Husband,

 I love you more than my actions have ever shown you. I respect and appreciate you. I thank you for being a great husband and an amazing father to our children. I love you for providing for us. For doing everything in your power to allow me to stay home with them. For loving me and caring about my wants and needs. For sacrificing some of your dreams for the things I want. For listening to me. For encouraging me in my silly endeavors. For playing with our kids and being crazy with them. They love watching out the window waiting for you to come home each night. I love your fun surprises and corny jokes. I love you for striving to be a better man each day. I love you for forgiving me when I make mistakes, which is a lot. I love you for holding the priesthood in our home, for being willing and able when we need blessings. For being honest with me. For trusting and confiding in me. I love you for taking me to the temple 4 plus years ago. I thank you for doing your best every day. I thank you for making scriptures and prayer a priority in our home. I love you for helping instill the gospel into our kids lives. You are an amazing man and I love you for the person that you are. We have had our up's and down's but I love you. More so than I actually ever knew. Trials have been hard and not always enjoyable but they have made us better. They have strengthened you, me, and our marriage. I love you more than words can express. I appreciate and respect you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for putting me and our family first. You are an amazing man and I am a lucky woman. I love you!

 Love, Your Wife

How we communicate

I want to write about how my husband and I personally communicate in hopes that if you are struggling it will give you a few ideas. Some background: Before I was informed of this addiction we had a good marriage but communication was something we were not great at. We talked about what we needed to but never devulged our deepest darkest emotions. I like to appear that I have it all together all the time. I would usually talk with my sister or mom if I needed an opinion that didn't need my husbands ok. We were able to communicate about major decisions just fine (children, jobs, schooling, etc) but the small day to day things I typically went to someone else because I didn't think he really cared too much nor did I want to burden him. Since this addiction has come to pass we have had to learn how to communicate. Here is what I have learned: We first started by talking about his addiction almost every night, usually for hours. It was filled with tears and heartache. It was not enjoyable but it was needed. I got the information that I needed and have stayed unaware on details that I really don't want. I asked questions and he answered honestly. It was hard but it has proven worthwhile. We set up a weekly time that we would discuss how the week went. He would tell me if he messed up at all. We have now made the agreement that he has to tell me if he messes up by the end of the day. This has been huge for his recovery. When he feels vulnerable he will remember that he has to tell me. This is something that helps keep him strong. When he has told me it hurts. It is hard and I am literally speechless for a few minutes, sometimes sharp daggers are being shot from my eyes.... I thank him for telling me and then we discuss what led up to it and how we can avoid it next time. I couldn't tell you the last time we had to have one of these conversations :). Learning to communicate kindly can be tricky. I would tell my husband horrible things that had to have been killing him inside but I hope that I did it in a manner that was not deceitful but rather in one that informed him. He needed to know what my heart was thinking, how I was truly feeling. The more the subject is talked about the easier it is. At first the word pornography and addiction were like swear words to me. They felt uncomfortable. I would find words to avoid them and when I did have to use them I would whisper them. After LOTS of discussion on the subject we can now talk about it openly. We have told close friends. We share our stories when appropriate and possible. We discuss it easily in the privacy of our home and we plan, when our kids are older, to inform them of this. If nothing else learning to talk about pornography is vital for the sake of our kids. Our husbands were sucked into this addiction because no one knew it was happening and no one talked about. As we can learn to talk about it and discuss it openly we can prevent what has happened to us. That right there is reason enough for me to learn how to communicate about this. As my husband and I have learned to talk about his addiction we have now become more open with every aspect of life. The trivial trials that I use to seek others help with, I now seek my husbands. I feel closer to him and I actually trust him more than I use to... strange I know. Open communication is VITAL to a successful recovery and healing.
Find a time that you have a lot of time to sit down and talk with your husband without distractions. Tell him that you want both of you to heal and recover and that you want to learn how to talk about this so that you can help your kids in the future. I always preface (because I come off abrasive with no intent of doing so at all) with 'I don't want this to offend you but I need to talk about....' Ask the questions you need to know. Let information that will hurt too much or that is unneccessary go. Share your heart to him. Your true, raw emotions. It's hard but try it. Listen to his feelings. Ask what you can do to help him in his recovery. Tell him what you expect of him. Set realistic boundaries that both parties can agree on. I know how hard it is to share your real feelings with anyone but who better than your husband? Build or rebuild a good relationship filled with honest good communication. It is never too late to start! Once it is started, don't ever let it end.

What if...

What if I start acting happy, what will my husband think? Will he remember how miserable he has made me? Will he think this is all ok? I know I definitely had these thoughts.
What if I start acting happy, what will my husband think? My husband was grateful and relieved that I was being happy again. He didn't think, 'why isn't she miserable still, she should be miserable forever!' That's just ridiculous. No one likes to be around people that are sad alllllllll the time. As I became happy again we were able to get back to our 'normal' life. He wasn't always tip-toeing on egg shells around me waiting for my next meltdown. We were able to laugh again and talk about whatever we wanted to. We didn't have the white elephant in the room of 'what do we talk about now?' I think all of our husbands are happier when we are happier! Happy wife is a happy life, and ain't that the truth! haha
Will he remember how miserable he has made me? YES!!! He isn't stupid or naive. He knows the pain he has brought upon you. He see's your heart suffering and it is killing him inside. For me, realizing that my husband truly hurt from this addiction helped. That sounds awful, I know but as I learned how sad and miserable he was inside it made me realize that we both needed to heal. I wasn't the only sad and hurt one. He knows he broke my heart. My husband never wanted this addiction. He never wanted to bring it into a marriage. He never wanted to see me sob uncontrollably because of his actions. This addiction hurts our loved ones just as it hurts us. I don't think our husbands will ever forget the misery that this addiction causes. Becoming happy again does not erase their memory.
Will he think this is all ok? NO! He know's this is not ok. He knows that he has caused more pain in our lives than any other person on this planet. He knows what will happen if recovery is not acheived. Our men know that just because we become happy again doesn't mean that this doesn't still hurt. They have seen our pain and anguish and they are sorry for what they have done. Communicating to him that you are happy but that this is still not ok and that it does still hurt from time to time is also a huge recommendation of mine (future post coming soon).
Basically what I think it comes down to, whether you agree with my opinion or not, is that we cannot withhold being happy because of our husbands. My husband is in recovery and doing well for which I am very grateful. Honestly, this does make it easier to be happy. But regardless of whether your husband is doing great or is still struggling you cannot withhold your own healing. In order to more forward, in my opinion, you have to be happy again. Do not withhold your own happiness because you fear your husband will think 'this is all ok afterall, I'm off the hook.' We all have agency. Your husband is going to recover or stay addicted whether you become happy again or not. Do not let his actions rule your attitude on life. If you are ready and wanting to be happy again, DO IT! Be happy. Your husband, children, friends and YOURSELF will be so grateful!

Ask and Tell

I have always been taught and I believe that Heavenly Father knows what I want and need. We need to express what we want and need in order to get it from Him however. Heavenly Father knows us so well. He knows our hearts. He knows our deepest desires, pains, and fears. He loves us more than any of us can comprehend. I have always been taught to ask Heavenly Father through prayer for what I want and need. I was recently taught that telling Heavenly Father what we want and need is perfectly acceptable as well. This was a strange concept for me. I always did the, 'Well I'd like this, but whatever your will is would be great too,' kinda thing. Sound familiar? Anyways after hearing that I can tell Heavenly Father what I want and need I decided to give it a try. Let me tell you, it was hard. I remember my husbanda and I telling Heavenly Father what job we wanted and for us to get it. It felt strange and kind of awkward really. But we kept at it. With certain aspects in my life that I really do want and that I feel are incredibly important. I have to say that I love it now. I feel closer to Heavenly Father. I tell him what I truly need not just what I would like to happen. I know Heavenly Father can do anything. I have seen miracles in my life, small tender mercies that remind me that Heavenly Father is aware of me and that He loves me. Telling my Heavenly Father what I need rather than whatever His will is has been so eye opening to me. Of course just because we tell Him what we want/need does not mean in any way that it will happen in the time or way we expect. I encourage you, if you don't already, to try it. Tell Him when you need help. Tell Him when you need a friend, an answer, comfort, anything. Whatever it may be, tell Him. I love my Heavenly Father and know that is He is there. He loves and knows us individually. He will provide what you need in just the right moment. What a blessing it is to be able to communicate with our loving Father in Heaven. I know I personally would be very lost without it.

Suffering

"Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord... Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior. He has invited you to do that so that you can be free from pointless worry and depression." - Richard G. Scott

Isn't this the truth in every aspect of life? So many times we worry about every little thing. If we turn our burdens over to the Lord we can be free from pointless worry and depression. That is quite the promise if you ask me. David A. Bednar said,

"No one understands. No one knows. No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did."



I think we all tend to forget this from time to time. Christ has felt our exact pain for us. He knows the burden we are carrying and he will take it from us. We can give Him any burden large or small. He will never leave us and may we always remember to never leave Him.

"Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior. He has invited you to do that..."



Fake It Til You Make It

The turning point in my journey was me 'choosing to be happy'. I personally could not live a miserable and sad life. I don't like crying and I don't like being sad. Therefore I had to figure something out. When I read the Ensign article about choosing happiness, I decided that this was exactly what I needed to do. No matter how out of control or awful my life seemed I could choose otherwise. I could choose to be happy and to enjoy life. I can remember how beautiful my kids are. I can remember how amazing my husband is and that he does love me. That I have a home, the gospel, health, family, etc, etc. I get to stay home with my babies and raise them. I have so many things to be happy about yet I was letting my husbands pornography addiction consume me. I was using it as an excuse to be miserable. In the addiction recovery program manual Healing Through Christ it states, "We can stop allowing their choices to be the determining factor in whether or not we find joy in our own lives." We have to do this in order to heal. Every person on this Earth has been given agency. We all get to make our own decisions in life. Our decisions may affect others as well as their decisions may affect us but we all get to choose. You can choose to be miserable because of our circumstances or you can choose to be happy even though life isn't perfect. For me choosing to be happy was the best option. Don't get me wrong, I still cry and have bad days. I still get frustrated and annoyed about life but for the most part I am happy. I enjoy life and I am trying to learn and become better from my trials.
So back to what I actually wanted to get to, sorry side-tracked there for a minute... Anywho faking it til we make it. We have all heard the term and know what it means. The way I got to real happiness was pretending I was happy until I actually was. I made myself be happy. I would (and still do) list all my blessings when I am annoyed or frustrated. I did things that made me happy (hair cut, actually got ready for the day, shopped without children, etc.). I researched the topic of happiness and basically just told myself I was happy. I have eventually gotten to the point where I am actually happy. I no longer have to fake it because I have made it. Life will continue to throw curve balls and at times I will be sad, irritated, frustrated, and hopeless. In those moments I hope that I will be able to reflect on how I changed my attitude during this trial. How I used my agency to be happy. How I faked it until I made it and how by telling myself I was happy I eventually became happy. If you've made it, YAY!! If not, keep faking it. You will get there, you will be happy!

More ways to Help!

Hey the LDS Addiction Recovery Program is looking for stories. Head over to this link to read about it and send over any words of wisdom that you can. Thank you for helping this plague get fought!

Please Read

The producer of the Shamed movie has contacted me and would like me to get this information out to anyone who might be of help. Please read and respond if this is something that will work into your life and recovery process. If not, I (and the Shamed movie staff) understand. I am excited to see this movie come to pass. It is so very needed. Here's the info!

Hello,
My name is Jordan Harker. Jessica Mockett and I are producing a feature length documentary film entitled SHAMED which focuses on the debilitating effects of shame surrounding pornography use & addiction in conservative Christian communities. The intent of our film is to help people be supportive of those seeking recovery.  We want people to understand pornography addiction by learning to SPEAK openly, LISTEN compassionately and HEAL completely.  You can learn more about the film, the renowned experts and organizations who are on board, and read crew bios at out website:  shamedthemovie.com
We are reaching out to you for some much needed help.  We are currently searching for  individuals (pornography users, addicts, & loved ones of addicts) to share their experiences on-camera.  This is one of the most important aspect of the film for reaching and informing viewers who want to learn about porn and its harmful effects. We ask you to please help share the following information in a personal way through your outlets and networks (blogs, email subscriber lists, website, etc.).
Below is an over-all "wish list" of criteria that will aid us in creating a film that spotlights individuals from varied ethnicities, ages and Christian religions. Our goal is to have these subjects informed, contacted, and solidified by March 24 so that we can comfortably plan/pay for their travel and lodging preparations before our first in studio shoot at the end of April, 2012. 
If you know of anyone who meets the following criteria (or other friends/organizations that would be eager to help), we ask that you share this information with them and encourage them to contact us by the following email or phone number as soon as possible. 
share@shamedthemovie.com
801.709.9741
From their initial contact we will make further communication arrangements that are most appropriate, timely, and comfortable for the potential interviewee. 
We are looking for:
_________________

FEMALE ADDICTS
- female, 17-21 years old, any Christian faith, any ethnicity
- female, 30-35 years old, any Christian faith, non-white
- female, mid 20s, LDS (Mormon), non-white
MALE ADDICTS
- male, teenage boy, any ethnicity, any Christian faith
- male, mid 20s, non-religious/atheist
- male, Hispanic, Catholic, between 25-35 yrs
- male who really pushed the limits of their pornography/sex addiction
(prostitution, child porn, etc.) so as to best address the escalation process,
under 40 years and white, any Christian faith
PARENTS & TEEN PAIRING
- parent/s to appear with user/addict teen, any Christian faith
- 2 other sets of parent/s to appear without user/addict child (parents of
very young children…8-14 yrs), any Christian faith
SPOUSES
- 2-3 couples to appear together, under 35 yrs of age, one spouse is an
addict, any Christian faith, fairly new to recovery phase
- 3-4 wives of addicts to appear alone, under 35 yrs, any Christian faith,
their addict spouse does not have to be in recovery
- 2 divorced couples (split b/c of addiction) to both appear on camera, they
can either be interviewed together or separately, under 35 yrs, any Christian
faith
- 2-3 couples who are well into recovery, who can exemplify how couples can
get through the addiction together and be better for the experience, under
50 yrs, any Christian faith
_________________________

This "wish list" is not set in stone.  Any individual who isn't an exact match, but a good choice is needed for this project.
We assume that those willing to go on camera with their stories will likely be far into recovery, but we are very interested in those who aren't quite all the way there yet to speak on their experiences as well.
If you have questions for me, please let me know.  I very much appreciate your help and hope that you will consider this information and respond as quickly as possible. Our search is time sensitive and we need your support. We believe with the right stories, individuals and experts involved, this film will change so many lives for the better.
share@shamedthemovie.com

Please contact them if you are willing and able. If nothing else I hope that we will all be able to see the film and watch the effect it will have on the many who desperately need it.

Rescue

Today was ward conference for us so the stake president spoke to all the men and women during the third hour. He spoke on a variety of things but I wanted to share an excellent story that he conveyed to us today. He spoke of a woman who was in his office a while back who was ready to leave her husband after a long fight against pornography. He wasn't finding recovery. She had stuck by him but she was at her last wits end and was done (needless to say my attention had been caught). The woman continued telling my stake president how enthralled she would become when the news began covering natural disasters or other big issues. She would watch all day and night, waiting to see what would unfold. As she watched a story about miners stuck hundreds of feet below ground she was hooked. She watched for 3 days as loved ones held vigils above ground, crews worked tireously to rescue these trapped men. Finally as the men began to be pulled up something hit her. These men were covered in filth from head to toe. All you could see were their eyes. As one of the men was pulled up a woman ran through the crowd and grabbed her husband. She sobbed and wrapped her arms around him. She helped him to the gurney of fresh white linens to seek medical attention. She didn't care that he was covered in total filth. She had been waiting to see him alive for days and now that he was here she wasn't letting him go. As this woman watched this story on the news unfold she realized how similar it was to her. How filthy and trapped Her husband was. He needed rescuing. He needed someone to help him to the white covered linens. She was that person. She could help and support him. Someone had told her shortly thereafter what a good man her husband was, no idea of this addiction. She told that person that he was. People make mistakes, people have addictions. We can and need to forgive. We can stand by them and support them to the gurney. We can be like this woman and her husband. As my husband and I listened to this story (no one knowing about his addiction) he turned to me and said, "Thats a great story." I immediately knew I wanted to share it. I was happy that we could sit together and listen to a story about pornography recovery and after have my husband lean to me and say how much it meant to him. It's a strange thing to explain but it made me happy. I feel like we have come so far. I feel like I have stood by him in his darkest hour. When he was filthy and needing assistance. He has stood by me in many dark moments and supports me as well. Standing by them can be difficult at times but I thank my Heavenly Father that I was able to do so. I hope this story lifts your spirits like it did mine today! Happy Sabbath Day/Night ;).

I am Human

In case you read this blog and think, "Geez Wife A is always encouraging and sharing uplifting messages," I will now show you that this is not always true. Maybe you don't think that haha but I do really try to share uplifting messages that can help us all in our sometimes not so wonderful moments.
For the last few days I have just been down in the dumps. There really is no reason or anything big behind it. Just little things that over time build up and evenutally catapult out of my body. I have been sad, frustrated, and annoyed. Small things will make me want to cry, I'm not a cryer. It's like pregnancy hormones without the being pregnant part ;). Last night as I was once again crying to my husband about quite insignificant things he was trying to reassure me. Encourage and boost my self esteem. Then he said something to the effect of, "In reality this is probably Satan working on you. Trying to make you feel insignificant and worthless." I fully believe that and even know that yet somehow it is still hard to 'just be better'. Satan really is a bugger! He knows how to push our buttons better than anyone in this world. (And that's sayin something). I know that the things I am doing right now are right. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me and is proud of the person I am. I like the person that I am. I am grateful to be a wife, mom, and friend but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. Sometimes there are too many people to worry about. My house is never going to be clean, I mean really, never. I'm not going to get thanked for everything I do, big or small. I am not going to get an award everytime I make a meal for someone or watch their kids. Dirty diapers and wet underwear are going to continue. Hardships in extended family members are going to keep coming through the years. And big decisions are going to have to be made. I am however going to be blessed by my Heavenly Father. I am going to be provided for. I can be in tune to know what I need to be doing and who I can be helping. I am going to help someone in need whether they verbally say thank you or not. I do get to stay home with my kids, which is very difficult at times, but something that I am most grateful for in this life. Occasionally my sink will have no dirty dishes in it and the floors will be crumbless, well maybe for 30 seconds. Maybe there will be one day, or one hour, of no toddler fit throwing. I guess what I am getting at is that I know life is overwhelming. I know it is difficult and I know that Satan is a nasty conniving little bugger that sometimes I really don't like. Through all of this I know that it will be ok. I can be sad and frustrated but I have to remember that life is good. I am more than blessed. I have everything I need and a lot of things I want. I trust in my Heavenly Father and I do ask him to guide me to people who need me. Therefore I should 'listen and obey' as I tell my kids and do what my Heavenly Father is asking. Life is a roller coaster of that I do know. May I cast Satans thoughts out of my head and remember what a truly blessed life I live.

The Simple Secret is This...

"...Put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.” This is what Joseph B. Wirthlin says in a talk called Come What May and Love it. I recall bits and pieces from this talk a few years ago but someone in the 12 step group I go to last week mentioned a part in this talk that I think it so important for everyone and something that I did not remember hearing. After reading through the entire talk I feel that it is a great source for each one of us in every aspect of life. I would strongly reccommend reading through it. He says so many things that I have felt or tried to convey in my life but of course he does a bagillion times better. I am truly grateful for inspired leaders of this wonderful church who can teach us and lead us through word and example.
The part of this talk that I want to focus on is what he calls the principle of compensation. I have never remembered learning this and when I heard it was relieved honestly and it helped me understand life just a little more. I have a testimony of this principle and have seen it in my life just the way he explains it.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Isn't this amazing? As you read through his entire talk you read that everyone will experience loss and disappointment but that through faith we will be returned rejoicing a hundredfold!! What a promise. I have seen this so strongly in my life within the last 8 months. By going through the hardest trial so far in my life (learning of my husbands pornography addiction) we have been blessed more than a hundredfold. I have been in the deepest darkest hole I have ever experienced and as I have had faith, trusted in my Heavenly Father, and continued to keep truckin' I have been enormously blessed. One of the biggest, tanglible blessings if you will, is that my husband has been given 2 'dream' job offers. Never in a million years did we think we would get one of these let alone 2 at the same time. We have seen Heavenly Fathers hand in our life as we have been in tune with the Spirit to make simple decisions which have led up to these offers. We have done things that our brains may have asked why but our hearts told us to proceed. Another example is that since this trial I have been able to find another purpose in life. Most importantly I am a mom and wife, which I believe is the greatest job any woman can ever do, but I now feel as though I am helping many women whose shoes I have and am in. I enjoy sharing my testimony of this gospel and the blessing that it is in my own life. I love meeting with my 12 step group and learning from amazing women. We have been blessed in other ways as well but I am not going to ramble on and on.

I know that the principle of compensation is real and true. If you are still in the thick of despair, know that these blessings will come. You will be compensated and blessed a hundredfold, yes A HUNDREDFOLD for your faith and endurance. Please read this talk in it's entirety. It is not too long and will give you the hope that you may be needing today.

Perfection

Why is it that we are so determined to appear 'perfect'? I use to be quite guilty of this but I have recently finally been able to accept that we all struggle. Why is it that we are more than happy to take in meals to others in need or  listen to those suffering for hours on end? I think that most of us actually enjoy doing these things. We enjoy serving others in need but definitely don't like the spotlight on ourselves. Maybe we like serving so much because it makes our own issues go away for a small time. Who knows, really. Regardless of the reasons it's craziness. Sometimes we flat out need help! We need someone's shoulder to cry on. We need a hug or someone to watch our kids so that we can breathe for an hour. Everyone in life needs help occasionally! And it's ok! It's normal!!!! I don't know exactly where I am going with this. I guess I just want us all to remember, including myself, that asking for and receiving help is a good thing. Think of how happy it makes you to serve someone in need. Let someone do that for you. I am not saying that you have to stand on the mountaintop and shout 'MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN!" (That might be a little overwhelming ;) What I am saying though is that if you need help, get it. Whether it is confiding in a friend, emailing me :), attending a 12 step meeting, finding a therapist, joining an online forum, or chatting with a Bishop, do it! Do what you need to continue on this journey of healing. No one's life is perfect, NO ONE'S! Even our amazing Prophet and Apostles of this incredible church face significant trials and I bet you anything that they receive help from others. They don't bear their hardships alone. They have lost children and spouses. They have had children with addictions. They are tried in this life just as we are. They provide help to others in need but they also receive it in their moments of need. Admit that your life is not perfect because it's not. I hope that it is great and wonderful and fun and enjoyable but it is not perfect. It is not suppose to be and it is not ever going to be (sorry to break it to ya). This life is a wonderful journey filled with trials and triumphs. I hope that we will all ask for the help we need when we need it. Asking for help is hard, I know, but make someone's day by letting them serve you. No one's life is perfect and we all secretly know it.

Forget Me Not

So today I had a very uplifting day at church. Sadly these are few and far between for me. I struggle with the ward I am in and am trying to remove my annoyed feelings that get in the way of me learning from what is being taught. First, in Sacrament the topic was prayer. I have an unbelievably strong testimony of prayer and rely on it heavily in my life. The speaker talked about 2 things that I liked and will briefly share. She said, "Heavenly Father hears every prayer and answers every prayer." He doesn't have a silent button like our phones and He always answers them just not always in the time or way we hoped or planned on. I can truly testify that both of these statements are true and I hope that you rely on prayer as much as I do. It is truly a blessing. The next inspiring moment I had today was in Relief Society. We discussed the talk by President Dieter F. Uchdorf titled Forget Me Not. I am sure many of you remember this talk. I loved hearing it again today and hope that you will enjoy some of the things that I re-learned and will now share.
First, forget not to be patient with yourself. Something he say's in this I really like. He says, "Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself." He continues on, "... these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life's sweetest experiences." We need to realize that we are not perfect (don't worry a whole post dedicated to this coming soon) and that we never will be in this life. God is also fully aware of this. President Uchdorf says, "It's wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses." I know we all know this but I find it so much more powerful hearing it from an Apostle of God. We are here to learn and grow and to one day become perfect. That day is not today nor is it tomorrow.
Second, forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice. This one is just funny. He talks about how getting up with a sick child in the night is a good sacrfice whereas staying up all night to make the perfect hair bow for your daughters dress might be a foolish sacrifice. Let's be honest, I've totally done this and the next morning is not enjoyable. Each one of us is in a different situation and therefore good and foolish sacrifices may differ from person to person. President Uchdorf gives a question that can be asked to make sure we are choosing a good sarfice. "Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?" There are so many good things for us to be doing but sometimes there are better options. This one really strikes home to be right now because we are in a place in our life that some crucial decisions will be made in the next year. We have a few good options and it is hard to decide what is the best option even when the best option may not seem to be what we were planning on or even want to do. We will trust in our Heavenly Father and ask exactly what President Uchdorf suggested, "Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?"
Third, forget not to be happy now. This is a big one for me, and possibly for you as well. I find myself waaay too often in life looking ahead. Well, when we're just out of school. Once we have a job. Once we are out of debt. Once my babies are no longer babies (I like toddlers more than babies ;). Once this addiction is not consuming my every thought. And the lists go on. This is something I have to consciously work on. So many happy things happen each day. I need to recognize them and enjoy them. If you really think about it, the list will get quite out of control and thats a good thing! I have a husband who provides for us. He is trying his best to overcome an addiction. He loves me and my children. I have healthy children (that are stinkin' cute might I add). I get to stay home and be a mom to them, such a blessing (sometimes in disguise). I have food on my table. I have a home and a car. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ and I have a firm testimony that carries me through the good and bad times. And the list definitely goes on.
Fourth, forget not the "why" of the gospel. President Uchdorf explains that sometimes we look at the gospel as a long list of things to do. Something that we have to fit into our busy schedules. He says, "We focus on what the Lord wants us to do and how we might do it, but we sometimes forget why." The gospel is not an obligation but a pathway to happiness. We need to know the what and how of the gospel but as we understand the why we will realize the joy and delight that comes from living the gospel. Watch this Mormon Message before continuing to read. This is an amazing story for many reasons but I want to tie it into the gospel as a blessing. This boy said that it felt harder to be pulling or pushing Dayton during the race but how great it was for him to have his friend along side him. At the end when he felt all his strength was gone Dayton started smiling and the boy was able to sprint to the finish. I think this can relate to the fact that sometimes the gospel may feel harder to pull along (seriously I know, sometimes I wonder why I bring noisy kids to church, etc.) But the gospel is our friend cheering us on. Making it so that we can sprint to the finish. What a blessing the gospel is in our lives. It's not a burden but a true priviledge to have such knowledge. And don't you just hope your child is as awesome as this young man? I certainly do!
Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you. Basically you need to read what he says because it is powerful. We are not forgotten. No matter how miserable life is or how we may feel about our life and our circumstances Heavenly Father is aware. He loves us. He cares about us. He wants us to rely on Him and His gospel.
I hope that this message will touch you as it did me. So many important things to remember. These are just my thoughts on the things President Uchdorf talked about but here is a link to the full talk. I hope you will read, listen to the spirit, and choose something to work on this week to make yourself even better than the amazing person that you are.

Trials AND Triumphs

Do you ever feel that when life is going too good that something bad is lurking around the corner? Or vice versa? I know I sure do! I have had small moments of this in my life that as I look back really were pretty insignificant. When this pornography issue came to light my world came crashing down. I mean everything literally exploded into smitherenes (totally don't know how to spell that). Unfortunately you probably can relate. Not only did I now know that my husband suffered from a pornography addiction we were jobless and in significant debt (thankfully not because of his addiction but school loans). I literally felt as thought NOTHING was going for us. We decided that we had to change things to show Heavenly Father how much we truly needed him. We made scriptures and prayer a mandatory event every day as a family. We prayed more earnestly than we ever had putting our total faith and trust in our Heavenly Father. We did the small things that are hard for me to blog about but that I know showed our Heavenly Father how much we truly needed Him. I am a living example and witness that trials and triumphs come hand in hand. Small things started to happen in our lives showing us that Heavenly Father was truly aware of us. Someone door bell ditched us money and my husbands favorite food. Our 3 year old was memorizing scriptures faster than we were. My husband found a part time job. Many small things kept happening to us reminding me that Heavenly Father was watching over me and my little family. And then the kicker. I literally felt my Saviors love and hand in my life more than I can explain or have ever experienced in my life. It is almost bringing tears to my eyes remembering this day.
I was laying on the couch when my husband popped in the house after work, told our little girl to come outside, and she shortly thereafter walked in the house with flowers in her hand. she brought them to me and said, "Daddy got a job." I was so confused. "What? Daddy got a job?" My husband looked at me and shook his head. We had gotten my husband's dream job. In our number 1 choice location. We hugged and cried and laughed and hugged some more. I have never felt so strongly in my life that Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. We had been through the hardest months of my entire life and through persistence, and I mean persistence, we were provided with our greatest desire.
I have a strong testimony and love for my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. I have felt Their love in my worst and best moments of life. Trials and Triumphs are definitely part of this life, boy can I testify of that. Heavenly Father is watching over you. Keep perservering. Keep doing all that you can and showing your Heavenly Father how much you trust in His plan. Good things really do come to those who wait (and perservere might I add). Keep fighting!

Happy Face :)

This article makes me happy. Please read, click through the links, and enjoy! I was giddy with happiness when I read it because it is seriously Aww-Some!! Hooray for good people putting excellent much needed information out there. THANK YOU!!!!

How Do You See Him?

I heard the best thing from a person I greatly respect that I want to share with you. I hope she doesn't mind :S.

"We need to see our husbands as the Savior see's him."

Think about it. I mean seriously sit and think about this. If we truly see our spouses as the Savior see's him things would be totally different. Think to yourself how the Savior see's him. Take your emotions out of the picture for a moment. Our Savior loves him, unconditionally. He see's his many accomplishments, name them! He see's his beautiful wife. He see's his beautiful children. He see's a man who works hard, loves his children, loves his wife and is trying. He see's a man who is hurt but wanting so badly to change. He knows this man's inner most feelings and desires more so than the man himself. If you still can't see him this way here is a little story to help you.
A daughter was visiting her mom for the week. All night long she was kept up with the neighbors yappy dog. She was so annoyed. I mean, who wouldn't be? 'Who let's their dog yap like that all night?' She thought. The next morning she told her mom that she needed to let the police know about the dog. 'There are ordinances against this, quiet hours in neighborhoods. That dog is so loud.' The mom didn't say anything. Each night the daughter lay awake annoyed by this ridiculous dog. While complaining again to her mom, her mom kindly replied, 'The neighbor called me last week and apologized that her dog was barking all night. She explained that her son was not doing well and the therapist recommended that they get a dog because it might keep her son here a little longer. The neighbor said very apologetically,

'I am sorry for the annoying dog but I absolutely adore my son.'

Think of our Heavenly Father. He absolutely adores His son. He loves your husband even with the addiction he has and has put on his family. Heavenly Father also absolutely adores His daughter (you!). Try to see your husband as your Savior see's him. It may sound difficult but pray for help! What a difference this could make in our recovery and healing. Your husband is a good man. If you can't see this know that Heavenly Father can. Trust your Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. They know you. They know your husband. They know your situation and with Their help you can heal.
I thank my friend for this great message. Pray for help in seeing your husband as your Savior see's him, what a blessing this will be for us.

Shhh

This is the definition of intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. If you are like me you use the word intimate and sex interchangably when in reality they are not the same thing. I want to write a post about this and hope that more posts or possibly even page a dedicated to the subject will be added because this is something that I have personally struggled with from the very beginning of our marriage. As I have gone through and seen what topics are getting the most hits the few discussions on sex have been hit a lot! Maybe because it is a topic that no body wants to talk about openly, I know I sure don't like talking about it. To set the stage, here is how my brain works for those of you who don't know me (which is pretty much all of you). First off I don't like being naked. I think sex is physically just gross and dirty and I am not a touchy/cuddly person. All these factors make it very difficult to allow sex to happen, trust me. I go in spurts of trying to overcome my problems and spurts of not caring. My husband and I use to just ignore the problem until I learned about this pornography problem. Somehow that made me want to improve this area of my life. Initially no, but after time yes. We have read books, talked openly, we have even made 'goals' of how to improve our sex life. It's sounds crazy writing this all down. I feel like kind of an idiot for my 'problem' to be honest but I think that other women may be in my same position. This is definitely still a work in progress for me but I am trying my best to figure it out. There are a few things that are working for me that may help you. Let me first go over what has nothing in my opinion to do with the pornography issue. I had to mentally tell myself that sex is important and necessary in a healthy marriage. This was a really strange concept to me, truthfully. I am perfectly happy without it but my husband not so much (and probably most men in general). We were able to communicate what each one of us needed. Me: a clean house, happy children, service and kind words from my spouse. Husband: cuddling, hugs and kisses, intimacy, and sex. We were able to realize that his needs and mine were different yet both very important to our individual happiness. We both have to try to provide these things for each other to create a happy, long, successful marriage. I had to tell myself that sex isn't gross (let's be honest, it is but I just told myself it isn't) haha it's true. So what your reading sounds funny but it's what I did. I totally told my brain these things. Just talked myself into it!
Now on to dealing with intimacy and sex with a husband that has a pornography addiction. Initially I was so uncomfortable changing in front of him, being naked ever, being touched, being looked at, pretty much everything! I didn't know what he had seen and what he was seeing when he looked at me. It was tearing me apart. I finally asked him. Yup, that easy, I asked him. I expressed all of my concerns and how uncomfortable I was. He was able to answer all my questions and put my mind a little more at ease. I once again had to make a mental decision to put it behind me. If I continued to let these thoughts race through my mind I was literally going to go crazy. For me, I had to dismiss them. I still have unwanted thoughts of what he has seen or what he see's on me but I try to immediately push them away. This is Satan working. He is trying to degrade me. He is trying to ruin my marriage. He is trying to ruin the intimacy and good sex life my husband and I are trying so very hard to create. Satan is wise. He is cunning. He is out to get us, but we can stop him. 'He may have power to bruise our heal but we will have power to crush his head' says a scripture somewhere I believe. Satan can be pushed out out of heads and he needs to be.
Get Satan out of your head. Don't let him win. Start small, if you don't feel comfortable with sex yet that is OK! Let him sleep in the same bed with you again. Hold his hand or cuddle him on the couch. Kiss him on the forehead or if you dare the lips ;) He needs your affection. You need him. You may have to step out of your comfort zone but do it. Push Satan away and work on those hard things in life. Intimacy and sex are part of Heavenly Father's plan. It is meant to be used for good and unfortunately we have seen first hand it used for evil. Talk with your husband about what is going through your head. Let him reassure you. Find out what he needs and let him know what you  need. Strive to provide those things for him as best you can and make sure he is doing his part (kindly) towards you. Make your marriage good again. Push Satan out, he has been here long enough!
This I know is a very touchy subject and I hope to not offend anyone. I struggle with intimacy and sex quite a bit and am trying to improve it in my own marriage. I hope that if you have any insight that you will please share it with me. I wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.

Sad Face :(

I was just editting my blog and realized one of my favorite blog posts in M I A. :( Boo! I will try to re-create and re-post it soon! Man, I really hate my lack of computer knowledge. Bah-Humbug. Hope you had a good weekend in the meantime.

Be the hero

So yesterday I went to a Scentsy convention where I was suppose to get all fired up about selling Scentsy and becoming filthy rich. Ha ha ha. I had a good time and did learn a few things but somehow my mind kept wandering to the topic of this blog. I guess my focus isn't 100% on selling Scentsy (but my house does smell good :) and more so on life and trials. So here was the message that I took home that I want to share with all of you. It was one short sentence but one that hit me. The speaker said don't be the victim of your life, be the hero. It's so simple yet true. So many times in my life I think; 'I can't do this, this is hard, I am not good at this, why me, why should I even try', and on and on and on. I am the type of person that likes to be automatically good at things, and that list is not overly long. I don't like putting much effort into things and when I am not good I usually quit. Really though. I played soccer from the age of 4 and quit at 14 when I didn't like the coach. I tried out for dance, tennis, basketball, and student body in high school all with no success. I didn't try out again. I have high self esteem and like the person that I am but I am a quitter. I don't like trying once I fail the first time. I make myself the victim instead of the hero. When I heard this sentence yesterday I thought how very true it is to become the victim of our husbands pornography addiction. We did NOTHING to cause this. We did NOTHING to deserve this. In some cases we even tried to do everything to avoid it. And still we are the ones who get to suffer and hurt from somebody else's actions. We are the ones who attend therapy and 12 step programs in hopes to heal our broken hearts. When you look at this situation it most definitely seems as though we are the victim. If we allow ourselves to be, we are. We can become the helpless sad victim who never mends her broken heart. Well, here's the good news. You don't have to be the victim, in fact you can be the exact opposite. You can be the hero! You can continue to attend therapy, communicate openly with your husband, attend 12 step meetings, cry/vent/sob/laugh/etc. whenever you need to. You can become whole again. Your heart can mend, it can become stronger. You can become stronger in the gospel, strenghten your marriage, even become the person you have always wanted to be from the results of a horrible addiction. Being the hero in this trying time is not easy. It's not fun or enjoyable but it is possible and it is worth it. I thank my Heavenly Father that for one of the first times in my life I did not allow myself to become the victim. I chose to nip this thing in the rear and figure it out. I feel like such a better person because of this trial. The communication skills I have developed with my husband were non-existant before this burden entered my life. I am grateful that I became the hero in my life. Don't be the victim in your life, be the hero!

The Dreaded Day

Oh Valentines Day. Dumbest Holiday ever in my opinion! I have always hated it. Whether I was dating someone, single, or even now married. I just think it is dumb. Why is there an assigned day to show love? Shouldn't that be every day of the year? And don't we deserve flowers spountaneously not just on Feb. 14th? Just the beginning of my dislike list... Anyways, this year I have decided to embrace it. I decorated my house, not much but a little something, and we decided to have a fun dinner with our kids tomorrow. Today I took the kids out to pick out a balloon and treat for Daddy. Tomorrow we are making heart shaped pizza and dressing up for dinner. It is still not my favorite holiday but at least I am not dreading it. I'm just trying to embrace it I suppose. As I have been thinking about the day and what it all entails, showing love for your significant other in physical and monetary ways, I thought how much more difficult if might be for women in our positions. I don't really know how to put it into words that are friendly but do you know what I mean? I personally have grown to love my husband more, after much dislike and agony might I add, and maybe that is why I am embracing the holiday more this year. Or maybe I am just trying not to be a scrouge and show my kids that it's fun... Regardless for some tomorrow will be hard. It will be uncomfortable and sad. My heart goes out to you that are in that place. I hope that you will be able to enjoy tomorrow as best as possible and that next year and the years to come will be even better because you have grown to love your significant other even more from such a painful trial. What are your feelings about Valentines Day and what will you be doing to celebrate tomorrow?

They Did It!!

Just wanted to update you that the Shamed Movie reached their goal! Thanks for all who spread the word and donated. I look forward to this movie being produced and hope that it will truly help people understand this pandemic and receive the help that so many are still desperately in need of.

News Article and Communication

This week in the BYU student newspaper the opinion editor ran a series on pornography addiction. Here is the link to the section I wrote. She also put an article in from an addict and info from a therapist. I hope this will help at least one addict or spouse heal a little faster! Slowly but surely people this plague is being brought to light! It makes me kinda excited, I know weird right? I just see such a need for this knowledge and awareness. May we all continue to heal and pay it forward to others in our situation.
On another note I continued to be reminded of how important communication is in healing from this addiction as well as in life in general. My husband and I's communication was lacking before I became aware of this addiction. Since then we have strived VERY tireously to improve it. Some days and weeks we rock at communicating, other times not so much. We are learning that when we aren't communicating as well we are annoyed with each other sometimes for the dumbest things. This is totally my opinion, as is this entire blog, but I feel like you have to be TOTALLY honest with your husband about your feelings. My husband recently informed me he couldn't read my mind. Who knew right? But no, I am learning that I have to tell him what I am feeling, what my concerns are. He has no idea unless I open my mouth and politely convey them. Just this week we were struggling with our communication so we sat down one night, discussed what was going on, and actually wrote down what things needed to change. It was silly but very beneficial for us. Good communication encompasses so much I realize but it is something that has to be continually strived for, at least in my case. Let your spouse know what is going on and how you are feeling in every area of life. It has made great improvements in my marriage and I hope to continue to keep it a priority.

Sign This

Here is something we can all do! Sign this and stand up against this pornography pandemic.

Slowly but Surely...

Slowly but the surely the topic of pornography is being discussed and talked about. The more this is discussed the faster individuals will start healing from this plague. Thank you to this editor for putting this topic out there.  I hope that this article will show at least one person that they are not alone, that they can recover, and that they will finally seek out the help that they need.

Life is Unfair

I have recently been informed about some close friends trials. The trials and hardships they are enduring right now are beyond my comprehension. My heart aches for what they are enduring. They are amazing people and I look at them and think, "That is so sad and unfair." I commend them for the strength and determination they continue to show. They will become an even more amazing person than they already are if they continue to endure and trust in the Lord. As I look at what some of these people are going through I think, "Dang, I will take my trial any day over that one." I feel like my trials are not even comparable to what they are going through. At the same time I remember a friend telling me (without any knowledge of what was going on in my life) how she could never stay married if her husband ever looked at porn. I don't even recall how I responded to be honest. I look at this situation and realize that we are all dealt what we can handle and what will benefit us the most. If you ever think "I can't handle this" or "Why didn't I get a different trial" maybe look around and realize that there are worse things out there. Someone always has it better and someone always has it worse. Trials are individulized for our specific needs, and what will help us grow the most. I am learning that one of the many reasons I was given this trial of supporting my husband through his pornography addiction recovery is to become an advocate against this plague. I have grown as a person, the communication in my marriage has improved immensely, and now I am doing my best to advocate against this plague that so many are entrapped in. We will experience many trials in our life. Some large and at times unbearable. Some smaller yet frustrating. I have realized that in the moment of trial, man I hate it. As I begin to surface and catch my breath I begin to see the purpose of the trial. I have experienced many trials in my life and will continue to endure more and I feel like they have made me the person that I am. I guess what I am trying to get at through all this rambling is that we all suffer hardships. Life may seem unfair and maybe it is. All we can do is trust our Heavenly Father, learn, grow, help others, and become better overall. Whatever path you are on, continue to perservere. We are on this Earth to learn and I have certainly learned a lot from this specific trial and know you have/will too.

Erggggg!

Errrggg! I was so annoyed by some of the commercials during the Superbowl tonight. I just get mad at how much sex and nudity is such a seller for products. My husband and I have this thing that if a product has a trashy ad we no longer support the company. Not that our measily dollars make a difference but it makes us feel better. Well, after the Superbowl tonight the list grew. What a bummer! It saddens me that the world revolves around sex. Hence my ERG! There it is, my vent of the night. I don't think the world will ever change unfortunately but I do hope as women with standards we can make a stand and rid it from our lives and those around us. Let's promote and advocate against the evil that this is. Sex and nudity should be kept and held sacred and special, because it is. And as a side note that does actually tie in head over to the Shamed website. They really need these donations, only 9 days left to reach their goal. Spread the word wherever possible. This info needs to be spread to those who do deal with it personally and those who don't. Please do anything you can for this great cause! Thank you to you all!  I hope your healing is continuing to progress in the right direction.

Great New Forum

Here is a great new LDS forum that is starting. Now we can all discuss this trial together and support each other! Hope it helps in your healing.

The next generation

Pornography addiction is so hush hush and not discussed anywhere. How frustrating since sooo many of us are suffering in silence. This is a lot of why I hope this Shamed Movie gets produced (2 more weeks to raise money :S). This movie will be able to get the word out to so many more than what of our blogs can reach. Whether pornography addiction has entered your home, your neighbors, siblings, or miraculously no one's that you know of, we can all help the next generation. We can all be advocates against pornography. Being an advocate doesn't mean you have to devulge your life and story. It merely means you take a stand against this plague. Most importantly create an open dialgue in your homes. Teaching your children what pornography is and teaching them what to do when they are exposed to it. Yes I said when not if. Once we have taught this in our home we can branch out to others. Support discussions of this subject in your ward, extended family, and with good friends. Yes it is uncomfortable right now. That is exactly the problem! Once we can make this a non-uncomfortable subject (does that make sense?) to discuss is when Satan will start to lose this battle. I personally feel as though this is one of my purposes in life. To bring pornography addiction into the light. Showing that good people deal with this and that even though they have an addiction they are still great people. These people can heal from their addictions and become better. We don't become better by having a carefree life on easy street, I know lame! The Prophet and Apostles whom I would assume we all respect haven't had a trial-free life. They have become better and refined because of the pain and trials they have endured. As we heal in our trials we need to become advocates against this. You do not have to share your personal hardships but we are doing our families and so many others a disservice if we don't bring this to light. Stand up for what is right! Turn this uncomfortable stigmatized subject into one that is discussed openly in your home. Protect your children from what you are currently enduring. Protect their future marriage and children by teaching them now how to avoid addiction. When they are exposed teach them to come to you. Be kind and gentle to them. Support them and teach them correct principles that they can forever hold on to. As ridiculous as this sounds I hope that the day will come that when a women finds out of her husbands pornography addiction she will be able to tell all her friends and family and in return all her friends and family will rally around her and to support and love her. Similar to if you said your husband was an alcoholic. Know what I'm saying? Let us all do our part. Let us all be brave and courageous. Do what you wish someone would have done for you. Informed you!

YOU are beautiful

Man alive is beauty being attacked or what? The world focuses so much on outer beauty and how we are 'suppose' to look. Magazines show us perfect flawless images of women and somehow we are suppose to look like them even though we have no hair and make-up team and lack photoshop to make imperfections disappear. I wanted to discuss this subject because I think as women whose husbands are pornography addicts we have an even harder time feeling beautiful. Some of us have had and nursed children (holy body wreckage! but worth it), some of us have acne even though we aren't in high school anymore, and not all of us can afford clothes from Nordstroms. I qualify in all of these categories and to top it off I simply don't have the time to look flawless even if I wanted to for 30 seconds until my kids attack. We as women shouldn't feel the pressure that the world is putting on us. Realize how beautiful you are inside and out. You do not have be flawless to be beautiful. This article is amazing and I want you all to read it! How true it is. Whether you have teenage daughters or not think of the way you would want them to feel about themselves. How do you see them? How would you want them to see themselves as? Now let that be how you see yourself. I'm not kidding. My mom always told me to do my best to look presentable and then leave your looks behind and focus on others. I thank her for that simple yet profound lesson. We can all be happy. We can all help others. We can all smile and laugh. We can have pleasing personalities. These are all FREE accessories to our beauty and boy do I love free! Study the gospel to learn about your true beauty. Don't fall into Satan's trap of the world's 'perfect flawless' beauty idea. It's expensive and hardly acheivable. Work on those free accessories that will inhance the amazing and beautiful woman that you are!

Group... Again

I finally got my rear in gear and made it back to my 12 step group. Man I forgot how much I seriously love those women! They are amazing! Go to a group if you don't already. There were a few different 'take home messages' if you will that I wanted to talk about. I will probably only go into one right now so here it is. I was impressed by how many women are doing so well. So many of them are healing. They are happy again. They have hope! They have turned to their Father in Heaven for help. They have learned that even though this is their husbands addiction they are deeply affected by it. They have realized that they have to recover from this problem that they had absolutely no part in. They are focusing on their own healing. So if you haven't found your healing and recovery you are probably wondering 'how are these women doing it?' How do I become happy again? Well, here is what has worked for me and what I heard from other women last night that has worked for them. First of all the LDS 12 step addiction recovery program has played a tremendous role in many of our recoveries as loved ones. Letting go of co-depency is another absolute must to happiness! You cannot base your emotions on how your husband is doing. You have to heal your heart regardless of your husbands sobriety or relapse. I know, sounds impossible!! When I was finally able to do this I was happy. It was so much easier to not worry about his every waking move. If he relapsed, it was sad and hard but I was ok. I had learned that his relapse wasn't a result of me. I have learned that we are both on a journey but our journey's are a separate adventure. He must heal himself and I must heal myself. The women that I saw and listened to last night are truly happy again. We are all still learning and growing (that's the point of life afterall) but we are ok again. We have learned not to base our emotions on our husbands progress. Rely on your Heavenly Father. He will provide you with strength and endurance. He will give you answers and inspiration when you are doing what is right. I am living proof that you can go from horror and shock, to misery and pain beyond imagine, and end with healing and happiness. Crazy but true! Do everything you can to heal yourself. You need to heal. Put yourself first and make this a priority. Don't shove it under the rug, it ain't goin' anywhere. I witnessed multiple women last night who are healing and happy. I promise you can do this and I want so badly for you to do it. Trust Heavenly Father and use Jesus Christ's Atonement in your healing process. You can do this and you need to do this. Become happy again, it's awesome!

New Film, I'm Excited!

I am actually really excited to be a part of this. Shamed is a documentary film about indiviuals involved with pornography recovering aka all of us!!

I am so grateful that someone is putting this out there. It is so desperately needed, unfortunately :(. All the blogging we do behind the scenes annonymously will now be told to a much bigger audience. I hope that this will lessen the stigma and help many more addicts seek the help they need.
Shamed cannot begin production until they recieve 40,000 dollars by Feburary 15 (ah soon!) and so I have been contacted. I want to inform all of you about this great new film but also ask if possible for you to donate. Any amount helps and will add up.

Click here to check out their site and donate. 

If you are unable to donate there are still things you can do. Please share this info. You can 'like' their facebook page. You can share the video link on your facebook page and share the info with anyone possible verbally or through the internet. Sometimes you don't have the budget available but others do. We all know how desperate this information needs to get out to the public and anything we can all do will be beneficial.

I have been asked to put this information out there but I believe in this cause so much. My husband and I have even offered to be a part of this film. I hope that they will get the funding because pornography is truly plaguing our world. There is hope and there is healing. I hope this film will reach their monetary goal so that they can reach so many people that truly need this information.

Bishop's Words of Wisdom

Today our Bishop spoke in Sacrament Meeting and he gave such a wonderful message that applies to all of us in this life. He talked about how when we get off track (whatever it may be) we all tend to focus on the "why did we get off, how did we get off, and when did we get off?" Instead we need to focus on how do we get back on track. He spoke about when people come into his office with a problem (been there!) they are so consumed with the past. In order to heal and become whole again we need to forget about how we got there and focus on how we can heal and become better. Such a simple message but I think it is something that sometimes we forget. We make decisions every day of our  lives. Decisions cannot be reversed. Accept them. If they are wrong you can't reverse them but you can take action to make them better. Somtimes we do have to re-evaluate the past but the majority of time we need to stop worrying about the past and move onto the future. We can't change what has happened good or bad in this life, it's done. May we all move on to the future. Focus on what we can do better and how we can become better each day. I have many things that I strive to do better each day. I have daily set backs but I re-evaluate, learn from what I did wrong, and strive to do better again. I'm still not perfect, dang it! haha. Our husband's pornography addiction is part of our life. We don't want it to be, but it is. Accept it, start learning how to heal, and happiness and peace will come again.
- PS: There is a film trying to raise money that I will be posting more about soon. Here is their website until I can get you more details. I am REALLY thankful someone is putting this out. It is desperately needed. Hope you will get behind this with me.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/141091137/shamed-a-documentary-feature-film