Monday, April 16, 2012
What Helps
Sometimes what helps me the most is to not think about it. My mind will occasionally go places I do not like. Sometimes thoughts of how horrible and degrading pornography is creep into my mind. I have to quickly push them away because it makes me distraught. I do not like to think of what pornography actually is. Maybe this is unhealthy, I don't know, but it hurts me to actually think of what images my husband has seen. I cannot let myself go there and so I don't. I know what pornography is. I know how degrading it is. I know how addictive it is. And I do not want to waste my time thinking about it. When these thoughts come to mind I get frustrated that I have them whatsoever. I push them away as quickly as possible. I do not let myself become irritated about it because there is no use. Me being annoyed makes no difference, it just harms my mood. I have also found when these thoughts come to my head it is so much easier to dislike my husband. I don't let the thoughts of 'how could he do this' and 'why' even be answered. Pornography is an addiction! Push them away. Run away. Run towards healing, recovery, and advocacy against this awful plague.
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I think you are right on the money, how not thinking about it helps the most. As an addict, that is the best thing that helps me. Just talking about the addiction and just hearing the word "pornography" brings thoughts and images I wish not to be confronted with. But by using the example of the Saviour and yourself, I must brush them aside giving them no room to grow or fester. Control and recognition of my thoughts and triggers has helped me the most. I may not have control over all of my triggers, but I do have the final say on my thoughts and that is where the on going battle must be fought. Thank you for your posts, I enjoy reading them, and to all the other readers and bloggers, I must admit hearing the other side reassures me that the path to recovery is the higher road and well worth the prize, my wife and soon to be two children. Pornography is not a victimless crime.
ReplyDelete-C
Oh goodness. I do the same thing. I start thinking about all the horrible things that could happen to us, to me, to our children. I have to force myself to turn off my brain. It's not easy sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree! I have wasted quite of few days stuck in the horrors of specifics. Every now and then I worry that the problem could be progressing to a new level and I don't know it, so we talk it out.
ReplyDeleteMy H has a recovery journal and I used to read through it when he was a work. (He had told me that was ok, and he wanted full transparency.) Mostly it was nice to see his thoughts were elevated and he really truly wanted to win this fight. But a few times I read details that were way too specific and though I knew I "should" move along, shut the book, etc, my curiosity got the best of me. Then I would be racked with the ugliness of what the addiction is: filth. It's just not helpful. Now I see his journal and recognize that it is a place of healing and I don't need to go there. I don't even want to anymore. I trust that his recovery is authentic and I gain way more from talking with him and feeling his heart.