Don't Bash

So let's just start by saying I am totally not perfect at this but it is still one of my pet peeves. What is this pet peeve you may ask... Let me tell you. Bashing and complaining about our husbands. TOTALLY not necessary and a terrible idea really. This applys to everyone regardless of an addiction or not. It applies to all of us as humans too, not just in a marriage. There is always something to complain about in life. There is. But complaining just makes things worse. Like I said, I am not perfect at this but sometimes listening to someone complain about their husband is just ridiculous, uncalled for, and annoying. I feel like so many of us (me included) expect our husbands to be super-human and perfect in every way. Doing every little thing we ever dreamed of or see on tv. (Those characters on tv, they're characters, NOT rael people... just a little fyi for ya.) Our husbands are suppose to make millions of dollars, do the dishes and take out the garbage without being asked, be chipper after work allowing us to rest from our exhausting motherly duties, rub our feet and back every night, get the children to bed without any fits, etc, etc.  Well guess what? They are not super-human. They are just like us. They have weaknesses, they have tempers, they have addictions they are working on, they have a need to be appreciated/loved, they get hungry and tired, they get worn-out, just like you and me. Therefore, complaining about them is totally hypocritical. I lose my temper at least once a day. I am exhausted all the time. I want to feel appreciated and loved, and most of the time I am quite worn out. And do you know what the last thing I want? Is to be complained about by my spouse. I don't want him to be critical of me and I especially don't want him degrading me to his friends. So let's not do that about them. May we all give our husbands a break. May they give us a break. Let's be a partnership to help ease the load on the other. For those of you doing this alone right now, keep fighting. I don't know the pain and heartache you carry but I know you are amazing and that you can do this. So many people love you and support you. I don't mean at all to leave you out on this post but I just feel like writing about this today. Something that I have found to work for me is that when my husband doesn't do something that I 'expect' him to do, I do it myself. I am a capable person, I can do it, just like he can. I need to work on my attitude when I do it myself because I am onery for about 5 minutes but then get over it because the task is done. Rather if I wait for him to do it (not knowing how long it will take) I am onery that entire time! Not good. Then I usually remind him when I am cooled down that, 'hey I would really appreciate it if you did such and such'. For me personally, I was suuuuuper independent before I got married. Apparently me signing the marriage certificate told my brain to become completely dependent on my husband. We absolutely need to depend on each other but to some extent. For example, today one of my kids bike needed some adjustments. No big deal right? So I got out the tools and did it instead of waiting for my husband to come home and do it. Typically my brain would tell me, that's a dad thing just wait. But no I could do this. My child wanted to ride the bike and I could do this easily and I did. I feel like this post is going no where but I guess I just get so annoyed when woman complain about their spouse (legitimate reason or not). You chose to marry this person. Don't degrade them, espeically in front of your kids or to other people. They are people just like me and you. We all have weaknesses. We all have rough days, weeks, or months. Don't complain about the great person, who is trying really hard, that you married however long ago.

Dear Husband

This morning my husbands uncle died. It was completely unexpected and shocking to everyone. He is young. Early 50's. I haven't dealt with a ton of death in my life, thankfully, and this is about the closest it has hit. We know him and hi kids quite well. As I have reflected on death today and how it would be to not have someone around that I truly love I thought of my husband. I thought about how difficult it would be to lose him. For him to be completely gone and out of my life. Of how hard it would be even with my testimony and knowledge that I would be with him again. Then I thought if I were to die would he know how much I truly loved him? Have I shown my love and appreciation throughout our marriage or would he be left to wonder? He knows I love him but does he really know? I don't mean this to be morbid at all but as I have thought about it today I wanted to write a letter to my husband. Telling my husband what I hope he would know if I were to be gone in an instance.

 Dear Husband,

 I love you more than my actions have ever shown you. I respect and appreciate you. I thank you for being a great husband and an amazing father to our children. I love you for providing for us. For doing everything in your power to allow me to stay home with them. For loving me and caring about my wants and needs. For sacrificing some of your dreams for the things I want. For listening to me. For encouraging me in my silly endeavors. For playing with our kids and being crazy with them. They love watching out the window waiting for you to come home each night. I love your fun surprises and corny jokes. I love you for striving to be a better man each day. I love you for forgiving me when I make mistakes, which is a lot. I love you for holding the priesthood in our home, for being willing and able when we need blessings. For being honest with me. For trusting and confiding in me. I love you for taking me to the temple 4 plus years ago. I thank you for doing your best every day. I thank you for making scriptures and prayer a priority in our home. I love you for helping instill the gospel into our kids lives. You are an amazing man and I love you for the person that you are. We have had our up's and down's but I love you. More so than I actually ever knew. Trials have been hard and not always enjoyable but they have made us better. They have strengthened you, me, and our marriage. I love you more than words can express. I appreciate and respect you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for putting me and our family first. You are an amazing man and I am a lucky woman. I love you!

 Love, Your Wife

How Do You See Him?

I heard the best thing from a person I greatly respect that I want to share with you. I hope she doesn't mind :S.

"We need to see our husbands as the Savior see's him."

Think about it. I mean seriously sit and think about this. If we truly see our spouses as the Savior see's him things would be totally different. Think to yourself how the Savior see's him. Take your emotions out of the picture for a moment. Our Savior loves him, unconditionally. He see's his many accomplishments, name them! He see's his beautiful wife. He see's his beautiful children. He see's a man who works hard, loves his children, loves his wife and is trying. He see's a man who is hurt but wanting so badly to change. He knows this man's inner most feelings and desires more so than the man himself. If you still can't see him this way here is a little story to help you.
A daughter was visiting her mom for the week. All night long she was kept up with the neighbors yappy dog. She was so annoyed. I mean, who wouldn't be? 'Who let's their dog yap like that all night?' She thought. The next morning she told her mom that she needed to let the police know about the dog. 'There are ordinances against this, quiet hours in neighborhoods. That dog is so loud.' The mom didn't say anything. Each night the daughter lay awake annoyed by this ridiculous dog. While complaining again to her mom, her mom kindly replied, 'The neighbor called me last week and apologized that her dog was barking all night. She explained that her son was not doing well and the therapist recommended that they get a dog because it might keep her son here a little longer. The neighbor said very apologetically,

'I am sorry for the annoying dog but I absolutely adore my son.'

Think of our Heavenly Father. He absolutely adores His son. He loves your husband even with the addiction he has and has put on his family. Heavenly Father also absolutely adores His daughter (you!). Try to see your husband as your Savior see's him. It may sound difficult but pray for help! What a difference this could make in our recovery and healing. Your husband is a good man. If you can't see this know that Heavenly Father can. Trust your Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. They know you. They know your husband. They know your situation and with Their help you can heal.
I thank my friend for this great message. Pray for help in seeing your husband as your Savior see's him, what a blessing this will be for us.

Shhh

This is the definition of intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. If you are like me you use the word intimate and sex interchangably when in reality they are not the same thing. I want to write a post about this and hope that more posts or possibly even page a dedicated to the subject will be added because this is something that I have personally struggled with from the very beginning of our marriage. As I have gone through and seen what topics are getting the most hits the few discussions on sex have been hit a lot! Maybe because it is a topic that no body wants to talk about openly, I know I sure don't like talking about it. To set the stage, here is how my brain works for those of you who don't know me (which is pretty much all of you). First off I don't like being naked. I think sex is physically just gross and dirty and I am not a touchy/cuddly person. All these factors make it very difficult to allow sex to happen, trust me. I go in spurts of trying to overcome my problems and spurts of not caring. My husband and I use to just ignore the problem until I learned about this pornography problem. Somehow that made me want to improve this area of my life. Initially no, but after time yes. We have read books, talked openly, we have even made 'goals' of how to improve our sex life. It's sounds crazy writing this all down. I feel like kind of an idiot for my 'problem' to be honest but I think that other women may be in my same position. This is definitely still a work in progress for me but I am trying my best to figure it out. There are a few things that are working for me that may help you. Let me first go over what has nothing in my opinion to do with the pornography issue. I had to mentally tell myself that sex is important and necessary in a healthy marriage. This was a really strange concept to me, truthfully. I am perfectly happy without it but my husband not so much (and probably most men in general). We were able to communicate what each one of us needed. Me: a clean house, happy children, service and kind words from my spouse. Husband: cuddling, hugs and kisses, intimacy, and sex. We were able to realize that his needs and mine were different yet both very important to our individual happiness. We both have to try to provide these things for each other to create a happy, long, successful marriage. I had to tell myself that sex isn't gross (let's be honest, it is but I just told myself it isn't) haha it's true. So what your reading sounds funny but it's what I did. I totally told my brain these things. Just talked myself into it!
Now on to dealing with intimacy and sex with a husband that has a pornography addiction. Initially I was so uncomfortable changing in front of him, being naked ever, being touched, being looked at, pretty much everything! I didn't know what he had seen and what he was seeing when he looked at me. It was tearing me apart. I finally asked him. Yup, that easy, I asked him. I expressed all of my concerns and how uncomfortable I was. He was able to answer all my questions and put my mind a little more at ease. I once again had to make a mental decision to put it behind me. If I continued to let these thoughts race through my mind I was literally going to go crazy. For me, I had to dismiss them. I still have unwanted thoughts of what he has seen or what he see's on me but I try to immediately push them away. This is Satan working. He is trying to degrade me. He is trying to ruin my marriage. He is trying to ruin the intimacy and good sex life my husband and I are trying so very hard to create. Satan is wise. He is cunning. He is out to get us, but we can stop him. 'He may have power to bruise our heal but we will have power to crush his head' says a scripture somewhere I believe. Satan can be pushed out out of heads and he needs to be.
Get Satan out of your head. Don't let him win. Start small, if you don't feel comfortable with sex yet that is OK! Let him sleep in the same bed with you again. Hold his hand or cuddle him on the couch. Kiss him on the forehead or if you dare the lips ;) He needs your affection. You need him. You may have to step out of your comfort zone but do it. Push Satan away and work on those hard things in life. Intimacy and sex are part of Heavenly Father's plan. It is meant to be used for good and unfortunately we have seen first hand it used for evil. Talk with your husband about what is going through your head. Let him reassure you. Find out what he needs and let him know what you  need. Strive to provide those things for him as best you can and make sure he is doing his part (kindly) towards you. Make your marriage good again. Push Satan out, he has been here long enough!
This I know is a very touchy subject and I hope to not offend anyone. I struggle with intimacy and sex quite a bit and am trying to improve it in my own marriage. I hope that if you have any insight that you will please share it with me. I wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.

Marriage

Tonight I was unable to go to AR meeting and I was actually bummed. Who is bummed about missing addiction recovery meeting? That's messed up. haha Anywho, the reason I was sad is because I consider those women my true friends. I love hearing from them and sharing my story with them. We chat briefly after group but it is so fulfilling to see such remarkable women doing their best in times of such tragedy. They inspire me to say the least.
On another note. I have felt so bombarded recently with how much adversity life throws at each one of us. Every person has trials and most are quite significant. I have felt so strongly that Satan is truly attacking marriages and family. He wants us to fail and will do whatever he has to do to accomplish this. I feel so strongly that marriage is worth fighting for. No matter the pain... no matter how long it takes... Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY support those who have unfortunately not been able to stay married. There are CERTAINLY instances where the absolute right decision is to move on. My heart goes out to you. I feel that this would be much harder than enduring the affliction some marriages obtain. I understand how touchy of a subject this is, especially for a addicts wife blog. I support each one of you in each of your own circumstances and choices. However, I feel so so so strongly that marriage is difficult, it isn't always enjoyable but it is worth every sacrifice, tear, and agony to make it succeed. Satan is vicious and cunning and finds ways into our lives without us ever realizing it. I hope and pray that we may all fight for what is right married or not. Stand up for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Be proud to chose the right even when it's hard. Love your husband as best you can. Save your marriage if at all possible. Heavenly Father loves and will sustain us as we do the same for Him and His church.

I did it!!!

I did it!! Well, rather my husband did it but hey at least it's done. DVR is GONE!!!! He finally took it back to the cable company for me today because he knew I wanted it gone but was never gonna get around to doing it. What a good guy :) It's weird honestly to not have our shows to watch. We have worked on our Amazing Race application (ya I know, awesome huh), made homemade soft pretzels and limeade. Haha wow that is a lot. Think of all the great things we will get done now that we don't have our recorded shows! I am excited actually and hooray for saving money too. Always a bonus in life (I'm a couponer ;).
On another note today I had yet another interesting encounter. My friend was talking to me about her rocky marriage and I just told her life that her marriage is sooo worth fighting for no matter how long and painful the journey is. She went on to talk about blogs she has found where the wife is supportive and encouraging to her husband regardless of his pornography addiction. Oiy vey, ironic to say the least. She clarifyed that this wasn't her source of marital problems and said she would never be able to handle such a thing. I just shook my head, once again lost for words. So I guess hats off to us? Haha. Ok sorry I shouldn't be laughing about such things because we ARE amazing, beyond amazing actually. Everyone is dealt a different hand in life and what we do with it will determine the person that we are. Keep pushing forward. Become better because of the hand you have been dealt.

Curiosity

So today while sitting with my neighbor as our kids played, she asked where I go every Tuesday night. (We hang out every day and are very good friends, so no she is not stalking me0. Uh, ok a little caught off guard I am at addiction recovery meeting every night because my husband has an addiction to pornography is what I thought but I definitely did not say that. She is dealing with her own marital issues and I have told her that everyone has problems including us (she assumed we were the "perfect mormon neighbor next door, we have good 'sunday faces'"). She doesn't know what we are dealing with nor do I know what she is dealing with. We talk in very general terms when it comes to the subject of our marriages. So anyways after she asked me she was all is this a hush hush thing? I said kind of, but I think my husband wants to talk to yours before I talk to you (which is true). I told her I go to therapy for what we are dealing with but that someday soon I will tell her exactly what it is. She asked why I would tell her and I explained that what we are dealing with is so prevalent among people but not talked about so we want to get the word out to as many people as we can but that it is scary to talk about. So anyways, it was interesting. I am nervous to talk with her because I fear she will think very poorly of my husband but at the same time I want to show her that good men and families are dealing with horrific events without any appearance of it. I want to share this trial with as many as I can as so show the hope and healing of it. Life is full of painful trials and they are not going to go away. When one gets resolved a few more pop up. This is life. What we do with them will determine the person that we are. Pornography addiction is awful, trust me I know. But it is overcomable. There is hope and healing. Marriages and people can become better and stronger. Lots of tears will be shed. Pain will be felt in more ways than you thought possible but someday it will be ok. Someday you will be happy and whole again. And who knows, maybe even happier! Maybe even better! Find resources and help so that you can be happier and better sooner rather than later. My marriage is the best it has even been and I honestly owe it to this trial. I cringe saying it, but it's true. Hearthache and turmoil are making me and my family better.

Broken Hearted...

I feel broken hearted... again. Not because of my own life but because of my best friend's. Today she confided in me that she is getting a divorce. My heart literally broke. I decided to confide in her what I have been dealing with. Low and behold her husband suffers from a similar addiction. They have additional turmoil besides this addiction but I am continually reminded of Satan and his power. It sickens me to see the control he has on people in these last days. People and families lives are being broken because of his sneaky tactics. My heart aches for all those suffering in whatever trial they've been handed but especially for my best friend. I want so badly to fix what is broken for her. Make her marriage perfect and whole again, but I can't. I will love her and continue to be her friend. I will listen and support her. I hope that she and her husband whether they end their marriage or not can be happy again. I hope they can remember Heavenly Father who is all loving and powerful. I hope they will heal and strengthen themselves to be better because of this awful trial. Life is most certainly not easy. I am learning this all too quickly and personally. My heart aches for all of our dire situations but I know if we turn to our Heavenly Father we will survive this. Let Him lift this burden from you. Become better and stronger because of this. It's not easy or quick getting there but it will be worth it. I love my dear friend so much and support her in her decision whether she stays or goes. Thank goodness for a wonderful loving Father in Heaven!

Girls Night

Yay for a much needed girls night. The hubs is out of town for a job interview so I decided to put my kids to bed and invite the girls over. SOOO much fun. Good food, tons of laughing, and my kids even stayed asleep through it all. After everyone left, my best girlfriend stayed and we chatted about more serious things in life. I didn't share with her the actual situation I am going through but gave her a vague understanding of what I am dealing with. We were able to laugh and cry. It feels so good knowing I have friends who love and support me and will cry with me. I don't want her to judge my hubs, which she totally wouldn't, so I haven't told her exactly what we are dealing with. I am mad that I won't just admit it. Maybe she is dealing with it too, maybe she will someday, or maybe she won't but could just be a support. I hate that this is something that is part of my life and that I don't want it to be hidden in the world but I am still too afraid to tell my best friend. I just want to protect my husband's reputation. He is an amazing man and I don't want anyone thinking otherwise. I hope to tell her one of these days so that she can prevent it from entering her life. Something that she said I really liked. She told me that sometimes we have to go through trials not to make us better people but to somehow help our children. This trial is definitely making me better as well as strengthening my marriage. Because of this trial I have really started to pay attention to the world around me. I am doing my best to protect my kids from Satan's grasp. There is so much I can control that I have not been controlling. Television viewing has decreased significantly in our home. Commercials and sitcoms are filled with subtle inuendos and trashy scenes, degrading women and families. We are also very cautious to what our kids wear. We want to teach them modestly from the beginning. Satan is grabbing hold of families without us even knowing it. Be aware of the world around you and start controlling what you allow and don't allow in your home. Make sure it is a safe haven for your precious family. Small inuendos and immodesty can evenutally lead to bigger problems that could have been avoided.