Tonight I was unable to go to AR meeting and I was actually bummed. Who is bummed about missing addiction recovery meeting? That's messed up. haha Anywho, the reason I was sad is because I consider those women my true friends. I love hearing from them and sharing my story with them. We chat briefly after group but it is so fulfilling to see such remarkable women doing their best in times of such tragedy. They inspire me to say the least.
On another note. I have felt so bombarded recently with how much adversity life throws at each one of us. Every person has trials and most are quite significant. I have felt so strongly that Satan is truly attacking marriages and family. He wants us to fail and will do whatever he has to do to accomplish this. I feel so strongly that marriage is worth fighting for. No matter the pain... no matter how long it takes... Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY support those who have unfortunately not been able to stay married. There are CERTAINLY instances where the absolute right decision is to move on. My heart goes out to you. I feel that this would be much harder than enduring the affliction some marriages obtain. I understand how touchy of a subject this is, especially for a addicts wife blog. I support each one of you in each of your own circumstances and choices. However, I feel so so so strongly that marriage is difficult, it isn't always enjoyable but it is worth every sacrifice, tear, and agony to make it succeed. Satan is vicious and cunning and finds ways into our lives without us ever realizing it. I hope and pray that we may all fight for what is right married or not. Stand up for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Be proud to chose the right even when it's hard. Love your husband as best you can. Save your marriage if at all possible. Heavenly Father loves and will sustain us as we do the same for Him and His church.
Some sex addicts are emotionally and mentally abusive. I think it is so good that you can work on your marriage with someone you feel is good and kind. But that is not always the case. There are some sex addicts who's addiction has carried them into such a mess that thier wives cannot stay with them without being abused-and significantly damaged body and soul. Pray for those women and don't judge them too harshly. Marriage is worth fighting for-but only when a husband-who in our cases are sex addicts-are willing to recover as well as stop any abuse of thier wives. If not, boundaries need to be set-and sometimes that boundary is divorce in order to stay safe.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you and hope that I did not come off too harsh. That was most certainly not my intent. Thank you for your comment.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I commend you for attending AR meetings! I have found so much peace and healing in my interactions with other women who've experienced a similar pain.
ReplyDeleteI liked your post for a myriad of reasons... mostly because it made me think...
You are right... No matter what, we should never judge another woman's decision... ever. Because as anonymous said above, there could be sooooo many things going on behind the curtains that the audience may not see while the actors (husband and wife) are diligently putting on the 'show' people expect to see. No matter what it seems, or no matter how important marriage may be, no matter what we think, it's NOT black and white. Life is NOT black and white- it's just not.
There is a HUGE reason, and I think I told you Wife A, as to why I chose divorce and it's not disclosed on my blog. People may come and go on my blog and think I was unforgiving for divorcing my husband for just 2 one night stands, but they don't the details... I know the truth... Heavenly Father knows the truth...
I don't think your entry was harsh at all... I think you've just had a different experience.
It's interesting though... Of the 3 women in my women's group who WERE fighting for their marriages (as of August 2010), only 1 is still married. All the rest... all the women I knew and received counsel with... they all ended up making the difficult choice to divorce- for whatever reasons. All situations completely different... some worse than others...
I guess I'd have to disagree with the 'save you marriage if at all possible' statement because sometimes even if it is possible, it's not worth saving. I've known and still know waaaaay too many women who are and have been stuck in miserable marriages (addictions or not) for 20+ years (even 50 years) and do it because 'they should'. I just disagree with that. I don't condone flippantly going in and out of marriages but I also feel saddened for the women (and men) who stay in marriages full of bitterness and resentments.
I don't think divorce is the worst thing in the world anymore. It seemed as if it was the most awful and devastating thing that could happen- especially in the LDS culture- but now however, I feel totally different about it all and as you said, I completely respect the choice of the individual woman.
Heavenly Father LOVES us all and he wants us to live happy, productive, rewarding lives.... filled with LOVE and sometimes it may take the decision of divorce to get there (like anonymous said) even if there's NOT extreme reasons.
I used to wish that I could say that my faith hadn't been shaken by all this... I used to think I would've been so much stronger if my testimony had grown because of it all. I felt so guilty and like I was such a disappointment because my faith was in fact shaken and I doubted it all.
But now, looking back... I have been strengthened in so many more ways than one. Maybe not in the typical Mormon textbook way, but in my own unique way. Life is a process and it's all about evolving, adapting, and becoming that person you want to be. God loves me and I'm so grateful for this experience I've been given. I hated it at first... I loathed my life... but now, I cherish it.... ALL of it.
For me, right now and in the last 21 months, I've had to really just focus on me and my healing.... one step at a time... I've grieved, I've hated, I've spent more time in denial than I like to admit, I've cried more tears than I thought possible... but slowly and surely I'm finding that I'm okay ;)
Okay, riiiii.dic.u.lous.ly loooong comment... Sorry!! :) Hope it made sense... I'm just babbling.
Thanks for sharing Wife A. You're doing great!
The last two guys that i have dated struggled with this horrible addiction. I had no idea at first, and loved so deeply. The first one lets call "Rob" and the last one "Jim." With Rob somewhere in our dating he was able to get out of the cycle and start moving towards recovery. The relationship got better, and I didn't know why. There was more light and happiness in his eyes. He would joke about how he just wanted to hit pause on our relationship go fix a few things and then comeback so he could be the man he wanted to be, and make our relationship work. One day he decided that we needed to pray and find out if we were supposed to get married. He got the answer no more than once, but hoped that it was just because he was still working on recovery and some other areas of his life. He wanted to take us back to casual dating and try to fix everything before I found someone else. My answer was very different. I was told that I got to choose. That he was a good man, and was trying to do what he should. I asked to see what the price tags were in the decision. I was told that I could marry him and be happy. That we would have to work very hard and would struggle, but we could make things work. But that we would have equal portions of hard work and struggle as we did have love and happiness. I was still wanting very much to marry him. I asked further about the prices and cost of this choice. I was told I was not his best choice, and he was not mine. I was still wanting to move forward but the next part stopped me in my tracks. I was told that I was not the best choice for his children from a previous marriage, and that they would struggle for decades before they worked things out in their lives. But if their dad was able to fix things now by himself they would heal and overcome the hardships they were facing much faster. How could I choose to marry someone I loved if it was not in his or his children's best interest? We broke up.
ReplyDeleteA few days later he told me we needed to talk. We drove for 45 min as he tried to find the courage to talk to me. Rob could not tell me and I prayed to know what to do. I suddenly knew what to ask him. I asked if he had an addiction to Pornography. With tears streaming down his cheeks he said yes. This was the first time I saw him cry. We drove for another hour discussing it. He said that God had been telling him that he had to tell me the whole time we dated, but he was scared I would hate him and run away. We discusses what resources were available to help him, and he said he was already starting. I challenged him to make his bishop his new best friend. He thought that was a strange idea, but soon found that Bishop to be a great man, with much love and help. He committed himself to fixing his life. We had several talks on how our decision to not marry (he agreed that it wasn't right to marry and that the Lord kept telling him no) was not over the issue of this addiction. I think that helped. Eventually we went separate ways and recently i had an opportunity to talk to him. He is doing so well. He has a glow about him and an excitement for life that I've never seen before. He often says that he is better than he deserves to be when asked "how are you." His relationship with his kids is much better, and things are not as strained with his ex wife. He told me that his heart has changed, and he is now repulsed by the sin. He wants to proclaim what he has been through on the tops of the mountains so others can find joy and peace and recovery. He has embraced the Atonement more fully and found joy. He has just started dating a wonderful woman, and wants to see if they can make things work. I am so proud of him, and grateful that I have been able to see such a mighty change in his life. Especially right now as I am still hurting from the pain of breaking up with someone over this addiction.
To be continued in next message...
Jim swept me off my feet. I loved him so very quickly. But something always seemed a bit wrong. On occasion he would start looking for my faults, and I would ask him to knock it off and either accept me for me or find someone else that he wouldn't need to fix. One day we talked for a long time about some of my faults. He made me cry and I was so hurt by his growing prodding of molehills. I went to bed that night still shaken up and a scripture came to mind. I said my prayers and flipped open my scriptures to the very one I had thought of. I worried, and hoped that he too was not affected by this addiction. I made him come back to talk to me and asked point blank if he had or ever had had this addiction. He answered ye before I finished my question. Suddenly the pain in my heart stopped and understanding took it's place. We talked very openly and he struggled to have to open up.
ReplyDeleteThe next month was hard on us both. But progress started shaping a path for us. I was concerned however that he wanted to call this his "former addiction" as if it was no longer anything to worry about. Especially when he still struggled on a daily basis to not pursue it. He was still in denial, and white knuckling the addiction. He had a few small slip ups. And we lovingly tried to work through them. I was committed and wanted to make this work, though it was the most difficult thing i had every experienced. After being sober for a long time we started to talk about wedding plans. I wanted to get some counseling, and wait a full year from his last incident to marry. He suddenly wanted to rush things. We agreed to get engaged though we couldn't agree on a date.
The weekend came where he was going to ask my dad for my hand. He worked himself up into such a state that he made himself physically ill, and did not talk to my father. He encouraged me to make wedding plans, and said he would take care of it. He did not. I kept waiting for him to formally ask me, and present a ring. He did not. I started to worry, and he started looking for my faults again and finding things to be upset about. After 6 days of escalating fears and fights (that I would resolve each night before I left, only to find them worse the next day) he relapsed.
He wasn't quick to tell me. He then started to push me out and avoid me, only to turn around and cling to me as if I was his life preservers in the middle of shark infested waters. Which might have been exactly what he was feeling. There were so many tears, and talks, and late nights for both of us. We were committed to make this work. But he began to resent me, pick at me and then secrecy began. He couldn't feel my love, I pointed out often that he couldn't feel God's love either, but we knew He loved us, and I too loved him. He lost hope, he justified, he went into increasingly worse stages of denial.
too be continued next message...
My heart was shattered. After all we had worked through and fought for I was finding a new man taking the place of Jim. I felt like he was trying to make me his higher power. His prayers became mechanical, church was sat through...not enjoyed, scripture study sounded robotic. Yet he now pushed to get married as soon as possible. His jealousy flared and he was angry so often. I started highlighting his Choices, and pointed out what the consequences for them where. Finally he pushed me away, and I broke it off. That made him panic and he tried to fix things. We got back together, and he worked hard on the relationship...but not on the thing that was really tearing us apart, his addiction. He got mad at me and broke us up again.
ReplyDeleteI had been praying for a miracle and for help to know what to do, and suddenly I could see that little miracle open up to my understanding. I knew that I was in the way. That I had tried to shoulder burdens that were not my opportunity to carry for him. I had gotten in the way of Jim and the Savior. I was comforted with the knowledge that Jim's choices would not affect my salvation, and I could not save him and attain his for him. I was willing to still try and yet move out of the way and let him get the help he needed with out being in the way. However that was not God's plan. He told me that the only way for Jim to fix his life was to loose me entirely. I was heartbroken, yet calm. I wanted so much for him to be happy, that I had to choose to walk away for good. This was not what I had wanted.
Even now writing this I am tempted to call him and try again to wrap my arms around him and try to squeeze the pain out of his life, and help him conquer all of his fears and addictive problems. But as he told me the last time we ever spoke "I don't want your help, you can't do this for me, and I don't think my addiction is the real problem. If only you would get medicated we would be fine. If only you could love me the right way I would be fine." If medication was the answer, or being able to love him more/right was the answer I would have taken it, done it, accepted it. But there is so much Pride there, and he is unwilling to seek help, just wants to pretend it isn't there.
I Love Jim so much! I would have walked to the gates of Hell for him in order to hold his hand and help him back. He is such a wonderful and amazing man. But he is very much choosing this addiction over me. He is not ready to give it up. It is that old friend that has always been there. It is the drug of his choice. It is his escape from reality, and his way of coping with hardship. He has changed so much in the last 6 weeks that I struggle to see the wonderful man I fell in love with. The man I loved was trying, though not perfect. But he no longer feels that desire to overcome, to be out of it, and has cried about how he doesn't think he can ever be rid of it.
I know he can recover! I know God Loves him! I know that he has so much potential and worth. I pray for him always to be able to beat this. I think that he will. But I am sad to say that it won't be in time to make us work. I am unsure what the future holds, but I know that God will continue to give Jim every opportunity he can to overcome the shame cycle. To recover from the deep effects of this pornography plague that is sweeping the world.
to be continued next message...
My heart goes out to all those who are facing this. I know I was not married, but I am grateful that I have been able to find this blog. I have seen faces etched with the sorrow I have seen in my reflection. I instantly know what sorrows and pains they are going through, because I went through it too. I have found myself talking about it to friends, family and strangers. I seem to be unable to stop talking about this. Maybe it was because it was a forced secret for so long. But I do know that the spirit has been able to be there to mourn with others, to lift, to help and to encourage.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to see Rob doing so very well. I hope that Jim will be able to also recover, and fix his life so that he can accomplish all the goals and plans he has made for life that are currently on hold. I love him and want the best for him. I know he cannot understand why I have left, but I know this was the right choice.