Let go

This week I have been realizing that everyone, but especially us women, seem to hold on to every little thing. We remember the day and time our husband forgot to run an errand he promised he would do. We remember the only time he ever called us a name, we remember the times he has slipped, we remember every little negative thing that the man we love has ever done to hurt us. Do we remember all the times he brought us flowers, did the dishes, bathed the kids, watch them so we could have a girls night, sent an 'I love you' text, watched some stupid chick flick with us, or any other of the many things he does daily? No, we mostly remember the bad things. How sad is that? And kinda pathetic if you ask me. We are so good at holding grudges and resentment. We are so quick to forget the good and remember the bad. Well, my dear virtual friends, this needs to stop. It needs to stop if we want to have a whole marriage again. If we want to be happy. If we want to love and respect that amazing man we married. If we want to move away from the bad and continue towards the good. Do what you have to do to resolve the past and then MOVE ON. I was telling my husband tonight that in so many situations I have seen lately that it is usually the guy who created the problem but the woman who won't let it go. So our hub brings a pornography addiction into a marriage, tries to overcome it with the wifes help, and meanwhile the woman is sitting in the corner so irritated beyond belief that she can't allow their marriage to get past it. (yes, I know, total dramatization there but you get the point.) We need to make amends and allow good times back into our lives. Neither party is going to be perfect after amends are made but we can continue to try. We can continue to forgive. We can continue, or restart, to love again. Whatever is holding you back, change it. Deal with it. Acknowledge it and let it leave you. Rid it from your system. Grudges and resentment are so stinking easy to hold on to, especially for us women. Let them go, rid them forever, and you know what? I think you will be happy with the results!

Where's the off switch?

So sometimes I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that we except our husbands to be able to flip a switch and have no more problems with pornography, masturbation, or whatever else this addiction has brought into our lives. Well, unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of these men have suffered from this addiction for more than a decade and for them to just 'flip a switch' really isn't possible. Addiction rewires the brain. To heal they have to rewire it again. Their addictions have taken years to escapade and in order to truly heal, it will take time as well. I know, what a bummer. Sorry. Whomever finds a cure to addiction will be rich! If only they could confess and be 'fixed' right? We, as wives need to be supportive and understanding of the time this will take WITHOUT putting ourselves in a dangerous place. We all differ in severity, recovery, willingness to recover, and actual sobriety. I cannot speak for everyone by any means but I do feel that it is important that we all understand that healing and sobriety are not immediate. Just as healing for ourselves will not be immediate. Healing our hearts is similar to healing our physical wounds. It physically hurts at times, does not happen in an instance, and occasionally leaves a scar or does not work exactly the way it did before. Time is one of those answers that honestly annoys me. Maybe because I know it is so true. Whether you have stayed with or have parted ways with your spouse you have to heal yourself. He has to decide ON HIS OWN if he is going to heal himself. We can love, support and encourage him but we cannot expect an overnight miracle. Choose what will work for YOU. Do what YOU have to do to heal yourself and realize that your husband is not going to be better by tonight. He can do this if he chooses but it may be a longer process than you had hoped for. I personally have chosen to stand by my husband. I encourage and support him. I go to 12 step recovery meetings for myself. I blog for myself. I pray and ask for guidance for both of us. We chat about how he is feeling and what tempts him. He trys again and I continue to support if he slips. We have realized that this is forever part of lives. Something that we want to make sure we are aware of and teach our kids about. He will not slip his whole life but it is something that will be discussed and watched out for. The world we live in makes this a very difficult addiction to overcome. They don't simply get to avoid the bar they got drunk in. They have to somehow find other outlets and activities to avoid what no one can miss if they are living breathing souls. Immodesty, television, internet ads, Victoria Secret, the swimming pool, etc. We do not live in a condusive environment for healing but with Heavenly Father's help we can be whole again. Our life may be different but who knows, maybe different is better. Be patient with your husband. Be patient with yourself. The wound is open and will heal as long as you allow and assist it to.

Rescue

Today was ward conference for us so the stake president spoke to all the men and women during the third hour. He spoke on a variety of things but I wanted to share an excellent story that he conveyed to us today. He spoke of a woman who was in his office a while back who was ready to leave her husband after a long fight against pornography. He wasn't finding recovery. She had stuck by him but she was at her last wits end and was done (needless to say my attention had been caught). The woman continued telling my stake president how enthralled she would become when the news began covering natural disasters or other big issues. She would watch all day and night, waiting to see what would unfold. As she watched a story about miners stuck hundreds of feet below ground she was hooked. She watched for 3 days as loved ones held vigils above ground, crews worked tireously to rescue these trapped men. Finally as the men began to be pulled up something hit her. These men were covered in filth from head to toe. All you could see were their eyes. As one of the men was pulled up a woman ran through the crowd and grabbed her husband. She sobbed and wrapped her arms around him. She helped him to the gurney of fresh white linens to seek medical attention. She didn't care that he was covered in total filth. She had been waiting to see him alive for days and now that he was here she wasn't letting him go. As this woman watched this story on the news unfold she realized how similar it was to her. How filthy and trapped Her husband was. He needed rescuing. He needed someone to help him to the white covered linens. She was that person. She could help and support him. Someone had told her shortly thereafter what a good man her husband was, no idea of this addiction. She told that person that he was. People make mistakes, people have addictions. We can and need to forgive. We can stand by them and support them to the gurney. We can be like this woman and her husband. As my husband and I listened to this story (no one knowing about his addiction) he turned to me and said, "Thats a great story." I immediately knew I wanted to share it. I was happy that we could sit together and listen to a story about pornography recovery and after have my husband lean to me and say how much it meant to him. It's a strange thing to explain but it made me happy. I feel like we have come so far. I feel like I have stood by him in his darkest hour. When he was filthy and needing assistance. He has stood by me in many dark moments and supports me as well. Standing by them can be difficult at times but I thank my Heavenly Father that I was able to do so. I hope this story lifts your spirits like it did mine today! Happy Sabbath Day/Night ;).

Forgiveness after Relapse

Pete's week of travel did not end well.  His last night away he stayed in a hotel with no safe, and during the middle of the night he relented to temptation.  The next morning, hours before he was to return home, he texted me his confession. 

Of course I was angry and hurt.  I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks.  At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was.  But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me.  The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened.  As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him. 

Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal.  We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his.  I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me.  I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point.  This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me.  I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.

Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment.  I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him.  I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson. 

The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it.  My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start".  Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging.  Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future. 

I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me.  It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone.  But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation.  It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and ulitimately it will save my marriage.