Shhh

This is the definition of intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. If you are like me you use the word intimate and sex interchangably when in reality they are not the same thing. I want to write a post about this and hope that more posts or possibly even page a dedicated to the subject will be added because this is something that I have personally struggled with from the very beginning of our marriage. As I have gone through and seen what topics are getting the most hits the few discussions on sex have been hit a lot! Maybe because it is a topic that no body wants to talk about openly, I know I sure don't like talking about it. To set the stage, here is how my brain works for those of you who don't know me (which is pretty much all of you). First off I don't like being naked. I think sex is physically just gross and dirty and I am not a touchy/cuddly person. All these factors make it very difficult to allow sex to happen, trust me. I go in spurts of trying to overcome my problems and spurts of not caring. My husband and I use to just ignore the problem until I learned about this pornography problem. Somehow that made me want to improve this area of my life. Initially no, but after time yes. We have read books, talked openly, we have even made 'goals' of how to improve our sex life. It's sounds crazy writing this all down. I feel like kind of an idiot for my 'problem' to be honest but I think that other women may be in my same position. This is definitely still a work in progress for me but I am trying my best to figure it out. There are a few things that are working for me that may help you. Let me first go over what has nothing in my opinion to do with the pornography issue. I had to mentally tell myself that sex is important and necessary in a healthy marriage. This was a really strange concept to me, truthfully. I am perfectly happy without it but my husband not so much (and probably most men in general). We were able to communicate what each one of us needed. Me: a clean house, happy children, service and kind words from my spouse. Husband: cuddling, hugs and kisses, intimacy, and sex. We were able to realize that his needs and mine were different yet both very important to our individual happiness. We both have to try to provide these things for each other to create a happy, long, successful marriage. I had to tell myself that sex isn't gross (let's be honest, it is but I just told myself it isn't) haha it's true. So what your reading sounds funny but it's what I did. I totally told my brain these things. Just talked myself into it!
Now on to dealing with intimacy and sex with a husband that has a pornography addiction. Initially I was so uncomfortable changing in front of him, being naked ever, being touched, being looked at, pretty much everything! I didn't know what he had seen and what he was seeing when he looked at me. It was tearing me apart. I finally asked him. Yup, that easy, I asked him. I expressed all of my concerns and how uncomfortable I was. He was able to answer all my questions and put my mind a little more at ease. I once again had to make a mental decision to put it behind me. If I continued to let these thoughts race through my mind I was literally going to go crazy. For me, I had to dismiss them. I still have unwanted thoughts of what he has seen or what he see's on me but I try to immediately push them away. This is Satan working. He is trying to degrade me. He is trying to ruin my marriage. He is trying to ruin the intimacy and good sex life my husband and I are trying so very hard to create. Satan is wise. He is cunning. He is out to get us, but we can stop him. 'He may have power to bruise our heal but we will have power to crush his head' says a scripture somewhere I believe. Satan can be pushed out out of heads and he needs to be.
Get Satan out of your head. Don't let him win. Start small, if you don't feel comfortable with sex yet that is OK! Let him sleep in the same bed with you again. Hold his hand or cuddle him on the couch. Kiss him on the forehead or if you dare the lips ;) He needs your affection. You need him. You may have to step out of your comfort zone but do it. Push Satan away and work on those hard things in life. Intimacy and sex are part of Heavenly Father's plan. It is meant to be used for good and unfortunately we have seen first hand it used for evil. Talk with your husband about what is going through your head. Let him reassure you. Find out what he needs and let him know what you  need. Strive to provide those things for him as best you can and make sure he is doing his part (kindly) towards you. Make your marriage good again. Push Satan out, he has been here long enough!
This I know is a very touchy subject and I hope to not offend anyone. I struggle with intimacy and sex quite a bit and am trying to improve it in my own marriage. I hope that if you have any insight that you will please share it with me. I wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.

Life is just Hard

Life is just hard and stressful for us right now. We're graduating from law school, don't have a job, have LOTS of student loans, and are overcoming addiction just to start the list. My husband is doing amazing. It is hard but he is so strong and determined to overcome this evil in his life. I am proud of how far he has come in a short amount of time. Life, however, is still hard for us right now. Something that is really bothering me right now is intimacy. Therefore I will blog about it. Oh what this world has turned to. Blogging from the unknown to the unknown about such personal issues. haha weird... Anyways so I feel like our relationship is good when we are intimate on a VERY regular basis. This annoys me. Why can't life be great even when were not being intimate. This has been a struggle our whole marriage but I guess now I am actually determined to fix it. It's just frustrating. Ugh. Thanks for listening I guess. I just wish life was easy sometimes. But it's not. It's not suppose to be. We have had to completely turn our lives to the Lord and it is hard. But I know that if we will be patient we will be blessed. We already are enormously blessed for which I am very grateful. Life will get better. It has to.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.