How we communicate

I want to write about how my husband and I personally communicate in hopes that if you are struggling it will give you a few ideas. Some background: Before I was informed of this addiction we had a good marriage but communication was something we were not great at. We talked about what we needed to but never devulged our deepest darkest emotions. I like to appear that I have it all together all the time. I would usually talk with my sister or mom if I needed an opinion that didn't need my husbands ok. We were able to communicate about major decisions just fine (children, jobs, schooling, etc) but the small day to day things I typically went to someone else because I didn't think he really cared too much nor did I want to burden him. Since this addiction has come to pass we have had to learn how to communicate. Here is what I have learned: We first started by talking about his addiction almost every night, usually for hours. It was filled with tears and heartache. It was not enjoyable but it was needed. I got the information that I needed and have stayed unaware on details that I really don't want. I asked questions and he answered honestly. It was hard but it has proven worthwhile. We set up a weekly time that we would discuss how the week went. He would tell me if he messed up at all. We have now made the agreement that he has to tell me if he messes up by the end of the day. This has been huge for his recovery. When he feels vulnerable he will remember that he has to tell me. This is something that helps keep him strong. When he has told me it hurts. It is hard and I am literally speechless for a few minutes, sometimes sharp daggers are being shot from my eyes.... I thank him for telling me and then we discuss what led up to it and how we can avoid it next time. I couldn't tell you the last time we had to have one of these conversations :). Learning to communicate kindly can be tricky. I would tell my husband horrible things that had to have been killing him inside but I hope that I did it in a manner that was not deceitful but rather in one that informed him. He needed to know what my heart was thinking, how I was truly feeling. The more the subject is talked about the easier it is. At first the word pornography and addiction were like swear words to me. They felt uncomfortable. I would find words to avoid them and when I did have to use them I would whisper them. After LOTS of discussion on the subject we can now talk about it openly. We have told close friends. We share our stories when appropriate and possible. We discuss it easily in the privacy of our home and we plan, when our kids are older, to inform them of this. If nothing else learning to talk about pornography is vital for the sake of our kids. Our husbands were sucked into this addiction because no one knew it was happening and no one talked about. As we can learn to talk about it and discuss it openly we can prevent what has happened to us. That right there is reason enough for me to learn how to communicate about this. As my husband and I have learned to talk about his addiction we have now become more open with every aspect of life. The trivial trials that I use to seek others help with, I now seek my husbands. I feel closer to him and I actually trust him more than I use to... strange I know. Open communication is VITAL to a successful recovery and healing.
Find a time that you have a lot of time to sit down and talk with your husband without distractions. Tell him that you want both of you to heal and recover and that you want to learn how to talk about this so that you can help your kids in the future. I always preface (because I come off abrasive with no intent of doing so at all) with 'I don't want this to offend you but I need to talk about....' Ask the questions you need to know. Let information that will hurt too much or that is unneccessary go. Share your heart to him. Your true, raw emotions. It's hard but try it. Listen to his feelings. Ask what you can do to help him in his recovery. Tell him what you expect of him. Set realistic boundaries that both parties can agree on. I know how hard it is to share your real feelings with anyone but who better than your husband? Build or rebuild a good relationship filled with honest good communication. It is never too late to start! Once it is started, don't ever let it end.

News Article and Communication

This week in the BYU student newspaper the opinion editor ran a series on pornography addiction. Here is the link to the section I wrote. She also put an article in from an addict and info from a therapist. I hope this will help at least one addict or spouse heal a little faster! Slowly but surely people this plague is being brought to light! It makes me kinda excited, I know weird right? I just see such a need for this knowledge and awareness. May we all continue to heal and pay it forward to others in our situation.
On another note I continued to be reminded of how important communication is in healing from this addiction as well as in life in general. My husband and I's communication was lacking before I became aware of this addiction. Since then we have strived VERY tireously to improve it. Some days and weeks we rock at communicating, other times not so much. We are learning that when we aren't communicating as well we are annoyed with each other sometimes for the dumbest things. This is totally my opinion, as is this entire blog, but I feel like you have to be TOTALLY honest with your husband about your feelings. My husband recently informed me he couldn't read my mind. Who knew right? But no, I am learning that I have to tell him what I am feeling, what my concerns are. He has no idea unless I open my mouth and politely convey them. Just this week we were struggling with our communication so we sat down one night, discussed what was going on, and actually wrote down what things needed to change. It was silly but very beneficial for us. Good communication encompasses so much I realize but it is something that has to be continually strived for, at least in my case. Let your spouse know what is going on and how you are feeling in every area of life. It has made great improvements in my marriage and I hope to continue to keep it a priority.

No fear of judgement...

I remember when I first learned of my husband's struggle with pornography. Amongst the many, many thoughts was the fear of someone thinking less of my husband if they knew. I wanted to protect him. Amidst my hurt, I still wanted to protect him. And I thought that telling no one would protect him, and myself. No one knew for a few years, and guess how far we got........eh, a stone's throw at best, if anywhere at all. Compared with the miles covered since involving select others, it was literally nowhere. I now understand the error in my thinking. This type of addiction is much more successfully overcome when involving close family or friends to one's comfort, and/or support groups. Successful to the individual for accountability and encouragement, and successful to the wife for support and perspective. The battle is uphill and steep with loose footing. However, it is worth it, oh so very worth it if both husband and wife are willing! I no longer feel the need to protect, no no, rather commend and revel in my husband's choice to not give up, to endure, to educate himself and seek help. I stand in awe at his determination to be freed from this entanglement. Whatever it took, and continues to take to not only sustain but to be anxiously engaged in good (fighting it). I am no longer shocked to hear of someone struggling with this, no matter how well I know them. In fact, if they are between the ages of 11 and 36, there's a right good chance they are, to some degree or another. I would hope that all wives would bluntly ask their husband's if they struggle with this. This may be bold, but I believe it is a responsibility/right of ours as wives. Not to mention as a mother as well. Our children are inundated by this before they even know what it is. My two year old has already seen pornography! As mothers, our concern cannot be solely focused on keepimg it away. That is impossible. It is everywhere our children go, the mall, the grocery store check out aisle, the billboards,the gas stations, media, phones, and friends. Educating them begins as soon as they can understand "good picture/bad picture" (what makes them feel yucky or confused) turn it off, and "tell mommy". The more comfortable and educated we are with this subject, the more approachable we can be as parents. Open communication from the get-go. We CAN talk about this. We NEED to talk about this.

Talking

I am finding that one of the most difficult parts of this whole healing process is finding who to turn to. Through my whole marriage I have turned to my husband to discuss problems and issues I am having. Now he is the source of my problems (I'm not trying to be mean, I hope you know what I mean) and I don't want to offend him because of my new found feelings. Example. Today my parents took my husband and I to the play South Pacific. I tried to enjoy it but in all honestly I really didn't. Some of the soldiers go to an island so they can meet some "dames" and sleep with them. Arg. It made me so annoyed and physically ill to my stomach. In the past this would never have bothered me, I wouldn't have even noticed it. Now it sickens me. I try so hard not to think of men as these lustful indulging animals (because most are not) but the thought is hard to remove when I am constantly inundated with this. I also saw Captain America this week with the hubs and same thing. It just made me so mad. It upsets me that I can't even go out for a nice evening without becoming upset at what I see. Very frustrating. Back to not being able to talk with my husband. I do tell him most of the time when I am sad or frustrated because of where we are now but I feel awful for hurting him like that. He already feels bad enough and me showing my frustrations is just another burden. I know I can talk with some close friends and family but then I feel like I am hiding things from him. It's a tricky situation for me to say the least. Constantly finding new "joys" HA! to this wonderful adventure I have been put in. Oh, life.