Dear Husband

This morning my husbands uncle died. It was completely unexpected and shocking to everyone. He is young. Early 50's. I haven't dealt with a ton of death in my life, thankfully, and this is about the closest it has hit. We know him and hi kids quite well. As I have reflected on death today and how it would be to not have someone around that I truly love I thought of my husband. I thought about how difficult it would be to lose him. For him to be completely gone and out of my life. Of how hard it would be even with my testimony and knowledge that I would be with him again. Then I thought if I were to die would he know how much I truly loved him? Have I shown my love and appreciation throughout our marriage or would he be left to wonder? He knows I love him but does he really know? I don't mean this to be morbid at all but as I have thought about it today I wanted to write a letter to my husband. Telling my husband what I hope he would know if I were to be gone in an instance.

 Dear Husband,

 I love you more than my actions have ever shown you. I respect and appreciate you. I thank you for being a great husband and an amazing father to our children. I love you for providing for us. For doing everything in your power to allow me to stay home with them. For loving me and caring about my wants and needs. For sacrificing some of your dreams for the things I want. For listening to me. For encouraging me in my silly endeavors. For playing with our kids and being crazy with them. They love watching out the window waiting for you to come home each night. I love your fun surprises and corny jokes. I love you for striving to be a better man each day. I love you for forgiving me when I make mistakes, which is a lot. I love you for holding the priesthood in our home, for being willing and able when we need blessings. For being honest with me. For trusting and confiding in me. I love you for taking me to the temple 4 plus years ago. I thank you for doing your best every day. I thank you for making scriptures and prayer a priority in our home. I love you for helping instill the gospel into our kids lives. You are an amazing man and I love you for the person that you are. We have had our up's and down's but I love you. More so than I actually ever knew. Trials have been hard and not always enjoyable but they have made us better. They have strengthened you, me, and our marriage. I love you more than words can express. I appreciate and respect you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for putting me and our family first. You are an amazing man and I am a lucky woman. I love you!

 Love, Your Wife

How we communicate

I want to write about how my husband and I personally communicate in hopes that if you are struggling it will give you a few ideas. Some background: Before I was informed of this addiction we had a good marriage but communication was something we were not great at. We talked about what we needed to but never devulged our deepest darkest emotions. I like to appear that I have it all together all the time. I would usually talk with my sister or mom if I needed an opinion that didn't need my husbands ok. We were able to communicate about major decisions just fine (children, jobs, schooling, etc) but the small day to day things I typically went to someone else because I didn't think he really cared too much nor did I want to burden him. Since this addiction has come to pass we have had to learn how to communicate. Here is what I have learned: We first started by talking about his addiction almost every night, usually for hours. It was filled with tears and heartache. It was not enjoyable but it was needed. I got the information that I needed and have stayed unaware on details that I really don't want. I asked questions and he answered honestly. It was hard but it has proven worthwhile. We set up a weekly time that we would discuss how the week went. He would tell me if he messed up at all. We have now made the agreement that he has to tell me if he messes up by the end of the day. This has been huge for his recovery. When he feels vulnerable he will remember that he has to tell me. This is something that helps keep him strong. When he has told me it hurts. It is hard and I am literally speechless for a few minutes, sometimes sharp daggers are being shot from my eyes.... I thank him for telling me and then we discuss what led up to it and how we can avoid it next time. I couldn't tell you the last time we had to have one of these conversations :). Learning to communicate kindly can be tricky. I would tell my husband horrible things that had to have been killing him inside but I hope that I did it in a manner that was not deceitful but rather in one that informed him. He needed to know what my heart was thinking, how I was truly feeling. The more the subject is talked about the easier it is. At first the word pornography and addiction were like swear words to me. They felt uncomfortable. I would find words to avoid them and when I did have to use them I would whisper them. After LOTS of discussion on the subject we can now talk about it openly. We have told close friends. We share our stories when appropriate and possible. We discuss it easily in the privacy of our home and we plan, when our kids are older, to inform them of this. If nothing else learning to talk about pornography is vital for the sake of our kids. Our husbands were sucked into this addiction because no one knew it was happening and no one talked about. As we can learn to talk about it and discuss it openly we can prevent what has happened to us. That right there is reason enough for me to learn how to communicate about this. As my husband and I have learned to talk about his addiction we have now become more open with every aspect of life. The trivial trials that I use to seek others help with, I now seek my husbands. I feel closer to him and I actually trust him more than I use to... strange I know. Open communication is VITAL to a successful recovery and healing.
Find a time that you have a lot of time to sit down and talk with your husband without distractions. Tell him that you want both of you to heal and recover and that you want to learn how to talk about this so that you can help your kids in the future. I always preface (because I come off abrasive with no intent of doing so at all) with 'I don't want this to offend you but I need to talk about....' Ask the questions you need to know. Let information that will hurt too much or that is unneccessary go. Share your heart to him. Your true, raw emotions. It's hard but try it. Listen to his feelings. Ask what you can do to help him in his recovery. Tell him what you expect of him. Set realistic boundaries that both parties can agree on. I know how hard it is to share your real feelings with anyone but who better than your husband? Build or rebuild a good relationship filled with honest good communication. It is never too late to start! Once it is started, don't ever let it end.

Trials AND Triumphs

Do you ever feel that when life is going too good that something bad is lurking around the corner? Or vice versa? I know I sure do! I have had small moments of this in my life that as I look back really were pretty insignificant. When this pornography issue came to light my world came crashing down. I mean everything literally exploded into smitherenes (totally don't know how to spell that). Unfortunately you probably can relate. Not only did I now know that my husband suffered from a pornography addiction we were jobless and in significant debt (thankfully not because of his addiction but school loans). I literally felt as thought NOTHING was going for us. We decided that we had to change things to show Heavenly Father how much we truly needed him. We made scriptures and prayer a mandatory event every day as a family. We prayed more earnestly than we ever had putting our total faith and trust in our Heavenly Father. We did the small things that are hard for me to blog about but that I know showed our Heavenly Father how much we truly needed Him. I am a living example and witness that trials and triumphs come hand in hand. Small things started to happen in our lives showing us that Heavenly Father was truly aware of us. Someone door bell ditched us money and my husbands favorite food. Our 3 year old was memorizing scriptures faster than we were. My husband found a part time job. Many small things kept happening to us reminding me that Heavenly Father was watching over me and my little family. And then the kicker. I literally felt my Saviors love and hand in my life more than I can explain or have ever experienced in my life. It is almost bringing tears to my eyes remembering this day.
I was laying on the couch when my husband popped in the house after work, told our little girl to come outside, and she shortly thereafter walked in the house with flowers in her hand. she brought them to me and said, "Daddy got a job." I was so confused. "What? Daddy got a job?" My husband looked at me and shook his head. We had gotten my husband's dream job. In our number 1 choice location. We hugged and cried and laughed and hugged some more. I have never felt so strongly in my life that Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. We had been through the hardest months of my entire life and through persistence, and I mean persistence, we were provided with our greatest desire.
I have a strong testimony and love for my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. I have felt Their love in my worst and best moments of life. Trials and Triumphs are definitely part of this life, boy can I testify of that. Heavenly Father is watching over you. Keep perservering. Keep doing all that you can and showing your Heavenly Father how much you trust in His plan. Good things really do come to those who wait (and perservere might I add). Keep fighting!

Life is just Hard

Life is just hard and stressful for us right now. We're graduating from law school, don't have a job, have LOTS of student loans, and are overcoming addiction just to start the list. My husband is doing amazing. It is hard but he is so strong and determined to overcome this evil in his life. I am proud of how far he has come in a short amount of time. Life, however, is still hard for us right now. Something that is really bothering me right now is intimacy. Therefore I will blog about it. Oh what this world has turned to. Blogging from the unknown to the unknown about such personal issues. haha weird... Anyways so I feel like our relationship is good when we are intimate on a VERY regular basis. This annoys me. Why can't life be great even when were not being intimate. This has been a struggle our whole marriage but I guess now I am actually determined to fix it. It's just frustrating. Ugh. Thanks for listening I guess. I just wish life was easy sometimes. But it's not. It's not suppose to be. We have had to completely turn our lives to the Lord and it is hard. But I know that if we will be patient we will be blessed. We already are enormously blessed for which I am very grateful. Life will get better. It has to.

I'll call myself Jane

I came across this blog in the search for a blog directed towards women like me.  I desperately needed to "meet" someone else who understood the things I've been struggling with. 

I was married in the temple to a chaste return missionary with no previous struggles with pornography or self-gratification. (I'll refer to him as Pete.) We have both had callings in presidencies and attended the temple regularly.  We have children and strong testimonies. 

My husband's struggle with pornography began a few years into our marriage when he traveled frequently for work.  It became worse when a work promotion required him to have a cell phone with internet service.  Fortunately we have found ways to help with this.  On his iPhone I have used a passcode to disable YouTube, Safari and iTunes.  He can still access his email and some other permitted apps.  When traveling he locks the t.v. remote in the safe provided in his room. 

We still suffer setbacks, he has episodes of weakness and unfortunately I usually respond with episodes of anger and hopelessness.  But through our faith and love for eachother we believe that we can overcome this. 

Intro

I've been rummaging through my thoughts, trying to decide where to start my words, as I've been dealing with this for the last five years. In that time I've cringed and cried a lot. I've gotten lost in my thoughts and pain a lot. I've shoved myself and my feelings aside a lot. I've felt anger and resentment, betrayal and frustration. Countless hours spent on my knees pleading for help, anything, big or small, deep or shallow, breadth or sliver, I didn't care...something, anything. Not just for my husband to get to the place he is now, but for me to fully forgive, truly be whole, and trust again. What I've found so far is this. It is my responsibility to forgive - by commandment. I am whole as long as I am being an active participant in the atonement with my Savior (recognizing and working on my own shortcomings and weaknesses). And trust, well, trust belongs in one place, and one place only. God. Trust in God that he will guide me, help me, lift me, inspire me, and love me. Love me. He loves me. When in the bitterest of angst that knowledge has sustained my endurance. His love is powerful, healing, and all-encompassing. At times, the dominance of love felt from the Lord has made scars melt away. Scars that felt they would always be there, a wound healed but the evidence still apparent. Gone, because they are obsolete when confronted with the love of God. It is nothing short of miraculous. As is my respect for my husband. To see him so beaten down from literally the only thing he hadn't been able to overcome by himself...so humble and pained, so tormented by this seemingly unshakable object. I've never had so much respect for someone as I do him. Unsure and blindly we forged into this process, so slowly at first but gaining successful momentum. Sure, I still cringe and want to hurl in the nearest garbage when my husband and I walk down the hall of the mall, unable to avoid Victoria Secret. Pornography is like the sunlight, touching everywhere and at some point during the day or year, touching what it hadn't just hours before. It is in a way unavoidable. To put it as my husband does, "You're either fighting it, or condoning it. Not in between." We're now fighting. But it isn't a destination that we are fighting our way to. It is the refining process, the habits, the fully engaged and aware lifestyle. We've come so far, and we have so much more to go. This is where I am. Undoubtedly, I have overlooked and unacknowledged feelings that at times pop up unexpectedly and without being prompted. For future posts, I'd rather not "rehash" necessarily, however, the past is what brought us to where we are now. For that reason, my posts may seem unconsecutive and random, but I plan to delve, heal, learn, and share further.

My husbands Situation

I have read so much information and stories of couples dealing with a pornography addiction and some have literally brought me to tears. My heart aches for these men and women. The women did not ask for this burden, did nothing wrong and are still forced to live a "normal" and "happy" life. It is completely life changing and extremely difficult and unfair. The men who live with pornography addictions in no way ever wanted to live double lives or hurt and sometimes destroy their families. My heart, along with my husbands, aches for this awful disease that is so rapidly ruining people and families. Satan is a bugger isn't he? I say this next part very tenderly in hopes not to offend or discourage anyone. My husband thankfully has never spent a dime on pornography (good thing because we have plenty of schoold debt as is) and has not had any communication with another person besides me. For this I am eternally grateful. I am so sorry for women forced to deal with extreme pornography viewing, sexting, cybersex, and physical infidelity along with anything else. This must cause excruciating pain. My husband goes to weekly group meetings and we are starting couples therapy this week (not sure how often we will be going). We are still happy even though we do have a new burden that is discussed frequently in our home. We have had a few lifestyle changes that so far have been a good change. We watch significantly less tv. After finding out about this problem I realized how sexfilled our world is and suggested to my husband that we watch less tv. Every show we watch and even the commercials have some inappropriate scene or comment it seems. We now try to spend more time chatting or doing something productive after our kids go to bed. It has been a hard change because we LOVE watching tv at night but it has been good. We also have set aside a time every week where I ask how he did that week. It is motivation for him to stay 'clean' because he knows I will be asking. He hasn't viewed any material since he told me. :) We know that we can overcome this but at the same time it is something we will always have to be aware of. This annoys me but I am trying to accept that it will forever have an effect on us. I hope that some day I can inspire and teach other women about this awful plague, teaching them how to avoid it and if it does enter their lives, how to overcome it. I am truly grateful that the severity of my husbands problem has not reached a more extreme level. I encourage you women suffering with whatever degree of addiction that you have been handed that you can do it. Whether you stay and encourage your husband or go your separate ways, you are amazing and will be blessed. You can and will be happy again just like I will be. When I think life is unfair and why me? I remember Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything we can't handle so just remember how strong and tough you are. Sometimes I wish I was a wuss and got some other easier less permanent trial but we didn't and it's because we are so strong and amazing. Remember that. Heavenly Father loves you and will provide and comfort in times of need.

Life Changing

On June 1, 2011 my world got turned completely upside down. Finding out about my husbands pornography addiction was the most heart breaking experience of my life. The events leading up to this night are very interesting as I now look back and I am truly grateful for how it was all uncovered. A few months earlier the Bishop in our ward advised the women to directly ask their husbands if they suffered from this addiction. On the way home from church we talked about pornography addiction but I did not directly ask and he didn't fess up. I put it behind me. The weekend before I found out we were at his parents house, who are pornography recovery specialists, and they talked a great deal about it to us. I was informed of many statistics and stories that seriously shocked me. I was very naive to how rampant pornography is in our society. I once again didn't even think it would EVER effect my family. Then 2 days before my husband told me that his brother, whom we greatly admire, suffers from this addiction. I was SHOCKED. He is one of the most amazing people I knew, how could he of all people succomb to this evil I thought. I was saddened by this information but once again disregarded it. However, this time it wouldn't leave my mind. Finally on June 1, I asked my husband if he suffered from an addiction and he admitted that he did. I was so surprised and heart broken. How? Why? Why me? I have lived a righteous life and we were married in the Temple. You went on a mission. We go to Church. We help others. How in the world could this have been secretly in my life without me even knowing. The emotions that I felt throughout the next few days were beyond anything I had ever felt before. I sobbed for hours on end. I was completely disfunctional and unable to parent at some points in my day. I thought through my options and discussed with my husband for hours. I wanted so badly to run away and pretend it never happened. Well, life doesn't work that way. I had to deal with this. I knew it wasn't going to be enjoyable or easy but I knew that I could do it. I knew I HAD to do it, for my family and for my kids.