Let go

This week I have been realizing that everyone, but especially us women, seem to hold on to every little thing. We remember the day and time our husband forgot to run an errand he promised he would do. We remember the only time he ever called us a name, we remember the times he has slipped, we remember every little negative thing that the man we love has ever done to hurt us. Do we remember all the times he brought us flowers, did the dishes, bathed the kids, watch them so we could have a girls night, sent an 'I love you' text, watched some stupid chick flick with us, or any other of the many things he does daily? No, we mostly remember the bad things. How sad is that? And kinda pathetic if you ask me. We are so good at holding grudges and resentment. We are so quick to forget the good and remember the bad. Well, my dear virtual friends, this needs to stop. It needs to stop if we want to have a whole marriage again. If we want to be happy. If we want to love and respect that amazing man we married. If we want to move away from the bad and continue towards the good. Do what you have to do to resolve the past and then MOVE ON. I was telling my husband tonight that in so many situations I have seen lately that it is usually the guy who created the problem but the woman who won't let it go. So our hub brings a pornography addiction into a marriage, tries to overcome it with the wifes help, and meanwhile the woman is sitting in the corner so irritated beyond belief that she can't allow their marriage to get past it. (yes, I know, total dramatization there but you get the point.) We need to make amends and allow good times back into our lives. Neither party is going to be perfect after amends are made but we can continue to try. We can continue to forgive. We can continue, or restart, to love again. Whatever is holding you back, change it. Deal with it. Acknowledge it and let it leave you. Rid it from your system. Grudges and resentment are so stinking easy to hold on to, especially for us women. Let them go, rid them forever, and you know what? I think you will be happy with the results!

How Do You See Him?

I heard the best thing from a person I greatly respect that I want to share with you. I hope she doesn't mind :S.

"We need to see our husbands as the Savior see's him."

Think about it. I mean seriously sit and think about this. If we truly see our spouses as the Savior see's him things would be totally different. Think to yourself how the Savior see's him. Take your emotions out of the picture for a moment. Our Savior loves him, unconditionally. He see's his many accomplishments, name them! He see's his beautiful wife. He see's his beautiful children. He see's a man who works hard, loves his children, loves his wife and is trying. He see's a man who is hurt but wanting so badly to change. He knows this man's inner most feelings and desires more so than the man himself. If you still can't see him this way here is a little story to help you.
A daughter was visiting her mom for the week. All night long she was kept up with the neighbors yappy dog. She was so annoyed. I mean, who wouldn't be? 'Who let's their dog yap like that all night?' She thought. The next morning she told her mom that she needed to let the police know about the dog. 'There are ordinances against this, quiet hours in neighborhoods. That dog is so loud.' The mom didn't say anything. Each night the daughter lay awake annoyed by this ridiculous dog. While complaining again to her mom, her mom kindly replied, 'The neighbor called me last week and apologized that her dog was barking all night. She explained that her son was not doing well and the therapist recommended that they get a dog because it might keep her son here a little longer. The neighbor said very apologetically,

'I am sorry for the annoying dog but I absolutely adore my son.'

Think of our Heavenly Father. He absolutely adores His son. He loves your husband even with the addiction he has and has put on his family. Heavenly Father also absolutely adores His daughter (you!). Try to see your husband as your Savior see's him. It may sound difficult but pray for help! What a difference this could make in our recovery and healing. Your husband is a good man. If you can't see this know that Heavenly Father can. Trust your Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. They know you. They know your husband. They know your situation and with Their help you can heal.
I thank my friend for this great message. Pray for help in seeing your husband as your Savior see's him, what a blessing this will be for us.

Shhh

This is the definition of intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. If you are like me you use the word intimate and sex interchangably when in reality they are not the same thing. I want to write a post about this and hope that more posts or possibly even page a dedicated to the subject will be added because this is something that I have personally struggled with from the very beginning of our marriage. As I have gone through and seen what topics are getting the most hits the few discussions on sex have been hit a lot! Maybe because it is a topic that no body wants to talk about openly, I know I sure don't like talking about it. To set the stage, here is how my brain works for those of you who don't know me (which is pretty much all of you). First off I don't like being naked. I think sex is physically just gross and dirty and I am not a touchy/cuddly person. All these factors make it very difficult to allow sex to happen, trust me. I go in spurts of trying to overcome my problems and spurts of not caring. My husband and I use to just ignore the problem until I learned about this pornography problem. Somehow that made me want to improve this area of my life. Initially no, but after time yes. We have read books, talked openly, we have even made 'goals' of how to improve our sex life. It's sounds crazy writing this all down. I feel like kind of an idiot for my 'problem' to be honest but I think that other women may be in my same position. This is definitely still a work in progress for me but I am trying my best to figure it out. There are a few things that are working for me that may help you. Let me first go over what has nothing in my opinion to do with the pornography issue. I had to mentally tell myself that sex is important and necessary in a healthy marriage. This was a really strange concept to me, truthfully. I am perfectly happy without it but my husband not so much (and probably most men in general). We were able to communicate what each one of us needed. Me: a clean house, happy children, service and kind words from my spouse. Husband: cuddling, hugs and kisses, intimacy, and sex. We were able to realize that his needs and mine were different yet both very important to our individual happiness. We both have to try to provide these things for each other to create a happy, long, successful marriage. I had to tell myself that sex isn't gross (let's be honest, it is but I just told myself it isn't) haha it's true. So what your reading sounds funny but it's what I did. I totally told my brain these things. Just talked myself into it!
Now on to dealing with intimacy and sex with a husband that has a pornography addiction. Initially I was so uncomfortable changing in front of him, being naked ever, being touched, being looked at, pretty much everything! I didn't know what he had seen and what he was seeing when he looked at me. It was tearing me apart. I finally asked him. Yup, that easy, I asked him. I expressed all of my concerns and how uncomfortable I was. He was able to answer all my questions and put my mind a little more at ease. I once again had to make a mental decision to put it behind me. If I continued to let these thoughts race through my mind I was literally going to go crazy. For me, I had to dismiss them. I still have unwanted thoughts of what he has seen or what he see's on me but I try to immediately push them away. This is Satan working. He is trying to degrade me. He is trying to ruin my marriage. He is trying to ruin the intimacy and good sex life my husband and I are trying so very hard to create. Satan is wise. He is cunning. He is out to get us, but we can stop him. 'He may have power to bruise our heal but we will have power to crush his head' says a scripture somewhere I believe. Satan can be pushed out out of heads and he needs to be.
Get Satan out of your head. Don't let him win. Start small, if you don't feel comfortable with sex yet that is OK! Let him sleep in the same bed with you again. Hold his hand or cuddle him on the couch. Kiss him on the forehead or if you dare the lips ;) He needs your affection. You need him. You may have to step out of your comfort zone but do it. Push Satan away and work on those hard things in life. Intimacy and sex are part of Heavenly Father's plan. It is meant to be used for good and unfortunately we have seen first hand it used for evil. Talk with your husband about what is going through your head. Let him reassure you. Find out what he needs and let him know what you  need. Strive to provide those things for him as best you can and make sure he is doing his part (kindly) towards you. Make your marriage good again. Push Satan out, he has been here long enough!
This I know is a very touchy subject and I hope to not offend anyone. I struggle with intimacy and sex quite a bit and am trying to improve it in my own marriage. I hope that if you have any insight that you will please share it with me. I wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.

Let Change Happen

The other day a random thought popped into my head and I knew I wanted to blog about it. So I have always struggled with this problem of wanting change but not allowing change to actually happen. I think women in general, me for sure, suffer with this problem. We like wallowing in our pity. We want people to feel bad for us, while we pretend it's all ok, even though it's not. Do you know what I'm talking about? Hopefully. Anyways, I have learned through this trial that when I want things to change in my life I have to be willing to let them. This is harder than it sounds people. I have to embrace the change, welcome it. Stop wallowing in your pain. Stop wanting it to change but secretly wanting to suffer as well. Cry when you  need to. Hurt when you need to. It is necessary and ok. But allow change to occur and allow yourself to be happy again. It's ok to be happy again after horrible heartbreak. And it's ok to relapse these emotions as well. I am learning to allow change to occur and I am so much happier. It's fun to be happy!! haha Remember those days? Well let them in again, LET THEM IN! I hope you allow change to legitimately happen in your life. It will be a wonderful blessing in your life. Happiness is... well.... happy! :)

No fear of judgement...

I remember when I first learned of my husband's struggle with pornography. Amongst the many, many thoughts was the fear of someone thinking less of my husband if they knew. I wanted to protect him. Amidst my hurt, I still wanted to protect him. And I thought that telling no one would protect him, and myself. No one knew for a few years, and guess how far we got........eh, a stone's throw at best, if anywhere at all. Compared with the miles covered since involving select others, it was literally nowhere. I now understand the error in my thinking. This type of addiction is much more successfully overcome when involving close family or friends to one's comfort, and/or support groups. Successful to the individual for accountability and encouragement, and successful to the wife for support and perspective. The battle is uphill and steep with loose footing. However, it is worth it, oh so very worth it if both husband and wife are willing! I no longer feel the need to protect, no no, rather commend and revel in my husband's choice to not give up, to endure, to educate himself and seek help. I stand in awe at his determination to be freed from this entanglement. Whatever it took, and continues to take to not only sustain but to be anxiously engaged in good (fighting it). I am no longer shocked to hear of someone struggling with this, no matter how well I know them. In fact, if they are between the ages of 11 and 36, there's a right good chance they are, to some degree or another. I would hope that all wives would bluntly ask their husband's if they struggle with this. This may be bold, but I believe it is a responsibility/right of ours as wives. Not to mention as a mother as well. Our children are inundated by this before they even know what it is. My two year old has already seen pornography! As mothers, our concern cannot be solely focused on keepimg it away. That is impossible. It is everywhere our children go, the mall, the grocery store check out aisle, the billboards,the gas stations, media, phones, and friends. Educating them begins as soon as they can understand "good picture/bad picture" (what makes them feel yucky or confused) turn it off, and "tell mommy". The more comfortable and educated we are with this subject, the more approachable we can be as parents. Open communication from the get-go. We CAN talk about this. We NEED to talk about this.

Girls Night

Yay for a much needed girls night. The hubs is out of town for a job interview so I decided to put my kids to bed and invite the girls over. SOOO much fun. Good food, tons of laughing, and my kids even stayed asleep through it all. After everyone left, my best girlfriend stayed and we chatted about more serious things in life. I didn't share with her the actual situation I am going through but gave her a vague understanding of what I am dealing with. We were able to laugh and cry. It feels so good knowing I have friends who love and support me and will cry with me. I don't want her to judge my hubs, which she totally wouldn't, so I haven't told her exactly what we are dealing with. I am mad that I won't just admit it. Maybe she is dealing with it too, maybe she will someday, or maybe she won't but could just be a support. I hate that this is something that is part of my life and that I don't want it to be hidden in the world but I am still too afraid to tell my best friend. I just want to protect my husband's reputation. He is an amazing man and I don't want anyone thinking otherwise. I hope to tell her one of these days so that she can prevent it from entering her life. Something that she said I really liked. She told me that sometimes we have to go through trials not to make us better people but to somehow help our children. This trial is definitely making me better as well as strengthening my marriage. Because of this trial I have really started to pay attention to the world around me. I am doing my best to protect my kids from Satan's grasp. There is so much I can control that I have not been controlling. Television viewing has decreased significantly in our home. Commercials and sitcoms are filled with subtle inuendos and trashy scenes, degrading women and families. We are also very cautious to what our kids wear. We want to teach them modestly from the beginning. Satan is grabbing hold of families without us even knowing it. Be aware of the world around you and start controlling what you allow and don't allow in your home. Make sure it is a safe haven for your precious family. Small inuendos and immodesty can evenutally lead to bigger problems that could have been avoided.

My husbands Situation

I have read so much information and stories of couples dealing with a pornography addiction and some have literally brought me to tears. My heart aches for these men and women. The women did not ask for this burden, did nothing wrong and are still forced to live a "normal" and "happy" life. It is completely life changing and extremely difficult and unfair. The men who live with pornography addictions in no way ever wanted to live double lives or hurt and sometimes destroy their families. My heart, along with my husbands, aches for this awful disease that is so rapidly ruining people and families. Satan is a bugger isn't he? I say this next part very tenderly in hopes not to offend or discourage anyone. My husband thankfully has never spent a dime on pornography (good thing because we have plenty of schoold debt as is) and has not had any communication with another person besides me. For this I am eternally grateful. I am so sorry for women forced to deal with extreme pornography viewing, sexting, cybersex, and physical infidelity along with anything else. This must cause excruciating pain. My husband goes to weekly group meetings and we are starting couples therapy this week (not sure how often we will be going). We are still happy even though we do have a new burden that is discussed frequently in our home. We have had a few lifestyle changes that so far have been a good change. We watch significantly less tv. After finding out about this problem I realized how sexfilled our world is and suggested to my husband that we watch less tv. Every show we watch and even the commercials have some inappropriate scene or comment it seems. We now try to spend more time chatting or doing something productive after our kids go to bed. It has been a hard change because we LOVE watching tv at night but it has been good. We also have set aside a time every week where I ask how he did that week. It is motivation for him to stay 'clean' because he knows I will be asking. He hasn't viewed any material since he told me. :) We know that we can overcome this but at the same time it is something we will always have to be aware of. This annoys me but I am trying to accept that it will forever have an effect on us. I hope that some day I can inspire and teach other women about this awful plague, teaching them how to avoid it and if it does enter their lives, how to overcome it. I am truly grateful that the severity of my husbands problem has not reached a more extreme level. I encourage you women suffering with whatever degree of addiction that you have been handed that you can do it. Whether you stay and encourage your husband or go your separate ways, you are amazing and will be blessed. You can and will be happy again just like I will be. When I think life is unfair and why me? I remember Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything we can't handle so just remember how strong and tough you are. Sometimes I wish I was a wuss and got some other easier less permanent trial but we didn't and it's because we are so strong and amazing. Remember that. Heavenly Father loves you and will provide and comfort in times of need.