Perfection

Why is it that we are so determined to appear 'perfect'? I use to be quite guilty of this but I have recently finally been able to accept that we all struggle. Why is it that we are more than happy to take in meals to others in need or  listen to those suffering for hours on end? I think that most of us actually enjoy doing these things. We enjoy serving others in need but definitely don't like the spotlight on ourselves. Maybe we like serving so much because it makes our own issues go away for a small time. Who knows, really. Regardless of the reasons it's craziness. Sometimes we flat out need help! We need someone's shoulder to cry on. We need a hug or someone to watch our kids so that we can breathe for an hour. Everyone in life needs help occasionally! And it's ok! It's normal!!!! I don't know exactly where I am going with this. I guess I just want us all to remember, including myself, that asking for and receiving help is a good thing. Think of how happy it makes you to serve someone in need. Let someone do that for you. I am not saying that you have to stand on the mountaintop and shout 'MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN!" (That might be a little overwhelming ;) What I am saying though is that if you need help, get it. Whether it is confiding in a friend, emailing me :), attending a 12 step meeting, finding a therapist, joining an online forum, or chatting with a Bishop, do it! Do what you need to continue on this journey of healing. No one's life is perfect, NO ONE'S! Even our amazing Prophet and Apostles of this incredible church face significant trials and I bet you anything that they receive help from others. They don't bear their hardships alone. They have lost children and spouses. They have had children with addictions. They are tried in this life just as we are. They provide help to others in need but they also receive it in their moments of need. Admit that your life is not perfect because it's not. I hope that it is great and wonderful and fun and enjoyable but it is not perfect. It is not suppose to be and it is not ever going to be (sorry to break it to ya). This life is a wonderful journey filled with trials and triumphs. I hope that we will all ask for the help we need when we need it. Asking for help is hard, I know, but make someone's day by letting them serve you. No one's life is perfect and we all secretly know it.

The Dreaded Day

Oh Valentines Day. Dumbest Holiday ever in my opinion! I have always hated it. Whether I was dating someone, single, or even now married. I just think it is dumb. Why is there an assigned day to show love? Shouldn't that be every day of the year? And don't we deserve flowers spountaneously not just on Feb. 14th? Just the beginning of my dislike list... Anyways, this year I have decided to embrace it. I decorated my house, not much but a little something, and we decided to have a fun dinner with our kids tomorrow. Today I took the kids out to pick out a balloon and treat for Daddy. Tomorrow we are making heart shaped pizza and dressing up for dinner. It is still not my favorite holiday but at least I am not dreading it. I'm just trying to embrace it I suppose. As I have been thinking about the day and what it all entails, showing love for your significant other in physical and monetary ways, I thought how much more difficult if might be for women in our positions. I don't really know how to put it into words that are friendly but do you know what I mean? I personally have grown to love my husband more, after much dislike and agony might I add, and maybe that is why I am embracing the holiday more this year. Or maybe I am just trying not to be a scrouge and show my kids that it's fun... Regardless for some tomorrow will be hard. It will be uncomfortable and sad. My heart goes out to you that are in that place. I hope that you will be able to enjoy tomorrow as best as possible and that next year and the years to come will be even better because you have grown to love your significant other even more from such a painful trial. What are your feelings about Valentines Day and what will you be doing to celebrate tomorrow?

Life is Unfair

I have recently been informed about some close friends trials. The trials and hardships they are enduring right now are beyond my comprehension. My heart aches for what they are enduring. They are amazing people and I look at them and think, "That is so sad and unfair." I commend them for the strength and determination they continue to show. They will become an even more amazing person than they already are if they continue to endure and trust in the Lord. As I look at what some of these people are going through I think, "Dang, I will take my trial any day over that one." I feel like my trials are not even comparable to what they are going through. At the same time I remember a friend telling me (without any knowledge of what was going on in my life) how she could never stay married if her husband ever looked at porn. I don't even recall how I responded to be honest. I look at this situation and realize that we are all dealt what we can handle and what will benefit us the most. If you ever think "I can't handle this" or "Why didn't I get a different trial" maybe look around and realize that there are worse things out there. Someone always has it better and someone always has it worse. Trials are individulized for our specific needs, and what will help us grow the most. I am learning that one of the many reasons I was given this trial of supporting my husband through his pornography addiction recovery is to become an advocate against this plague. I have grown as a person, the communication in my marriage has improved immensely, and now I am doing my best to advocate against this plague that so many are entrapped in. We will experience many trials in our life. Some large and at times unbearable. Some smaller yet frustrating. I have realized that in the moment of trial, man I hate it. As I begin to surface and catch my breath I begin to see the purpose of the trial. I have experienced many trials in my life and will continue to endure more and I feel like they have made me the person that I am. I guess what I am trying to get at through all this rambling is that we all suffer hardships. Life may seem unfair and maybe it is. All we can do is trust our Heavenly Father, learn, grow, help others, and become better overall. Whatever path you are on, continue to perservere. We are on this Earth to learn and I have certainly learned a lot from this specific trial and know you have/will too.

MeltDown

Last night I had a MAJOR meltdown, to say the least. I am the type of person who bottles up emotions until they literally explode out of my body through tears. It's messed up, I know. I feel much better now however. I hate crying and being upset but it does feel nice once it's over. I am trying to express my emotions better when they are actually being experienced (not 3 months later). My heart has been aching for so many of my good friends who are suffering. I feel as though there is nothing I can do for them and it frustrates me. I feel like my house is always in chaos and messy (which it is) but that it shouldn't be. I want to be good at something. Something that people can see. You know how when you are asked what your talent is you list piano, dance, singing, drawing, blah blah blah? Well I don't have any of those. It bugs me! I know I am talented in unseen ways but sometimes I just want to be apparently good at something. I have decided to be good at selling Scentsy. Well... it's a lot harder than I thought but I'm not going to give up. I always give up. I don't like things that are hard. I gave up soccer, I gave up dance, I gave up a blog after 2 weeks bc I sucked at it. I don't want to give up anymore. I want to be good at something. I want to persevere. I am going to persevere. I can do this and I will.

That Blows

What a day. What a day. To make a SUPER long story short, we just blew about $500 on a job that we did not get. My husband has had to travel twice to a neighboring state for tests and interviews for a potential job. I don't want to even hash all the ridiculous things that have happened throughout the whole process but it has been so frustrating. We barely have enough money to make it through the end of the year and no job offers at this point. STRESSFUL to say the least. Once again I am faced with adversity. How am I dealing with it all you ask? Laughing first off! Praying fervently and learning from what has happened and what to avoid in the future. Man life is crazy sometimes...... C.R.A.Z.Y!

*sigh (maybe a couple sighs actually or just a really really long one)*

Broken Hearted...

I feel broken hearted... again. Not because of my own life but because of my best friend's. Today she confided in me that she is getting a divorce. My heart literally broke. I decided to confide in her what I have been dealing with. Low and behold her husband suffers from a similar addiction. They have additional turmoil besides this addiction but I am continually reminded of Satan and his power. It sickens me to see the control he has on people in these last days. People and families lives are being broken because of his sneaky tactics. My heart aches for all those suffering in whatever trial they've been handed but especially for my best friend. I want so badly to fix what is broken for her. Make her marriage perfect and whole again, but I can't. I will love her and continue to be her friend. I will listen and support her. I hope that she and her husband whether they end their marriage or not can be happy again. I hope they can remember Heavenly Father who is all loving and powerful. I hope they will heal and strengthen themselves to be better because of this awful trial. Life is most certainly not easy. I am learning this all too quickly and personally. My heart aches for all of our dire situations but I know if we turn to our Heavenly Father we will survive this. Let Him lift this burden from you. Become better and stronger because of this. It's not easy or quick getting there but it will be worth it. I love my dear friend so much and support her in her decision whether she stays or goes. Thank goodness for a wonderful loving Father in Heaven!

H.A.L.T.

I mentioned earlier that Pete decided to tell his dad about his addiction, and doing so has been so helpful.  His dad shared with us the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired."  These are the psychological/emotional "places" where temptation most often occurs.  Looking back I can see how it is true, not just for my husband but for me as well. 

Pete is out of town this week at a training.  All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails.  One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely.  His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling.  Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed.  This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one.  After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan.  He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there.  When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels.  By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again.  Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it. 

Travel is so hard.  It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry.  It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur.  But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.

Life is just Hard

Life is just hard and stressful for us right now. We're graduating from law school, don't have a job, have LOTS of student loans, and are overcoming addiction just to start the list. My husband is doing amazing. It is hard but he is so strong and determined to overcome this evil in his life. I am proud of how far he has come in a short amount of time. Life, however, is still hard for us right now. Something that is really bothering me right now is intimacy. Therefore I will blog about it. Oh what this world has turned to. Blogging from the unknown to the unknown about such personal issues. haha weird... Anyways so I feel like our relationship is good when we are intimate on a VERY regular basis. This annoys me. Why can't life be great even when were not being intimate. This has been a struggle our whole marriage but I guess now I am actually determined to fix it. It's just frustrating. Ugh. Thanks for listening I guess. I just wish life was easy sometimes. But it's not. It's not suppose to be. We have had to completely turn our lives to the Lord and it is hard. But I know that if we will be patient we will be blessed. We already are enormously blessed for which I am very grateful. Life will get better. It has to.

Never ending

This scares me. I fear relapse so badly. How will I respond? Will we have to start all over? Will everything have been in vain? I want a "quick fix" so badly but it's just not an option. We are doing incredibly well right now. No viewing since the day he told me :). I am proud of him. He has been so tempted these last few days and told me that this is typically when he would fall back into viewing. (Life is stressful for us right now). He has stayed strong even when it takes everything he possibly has to avoid it. I love him and respect him so much for this. When I read stories of relapse time after time I hurt. How does this addiction truly become rid from ones life? Right now I think we are on the right track and we are, but whose to say we won't be derailed in a year or 5 years from now? I guess what I need to do is live in the now. I cannot dread the future. All I can do is be proud of him today because today was a good day. If you have any insight on this matter I would greatly appreciate it.

I know, I'm awful

Ok, so this is a little off topic but not really. I have to vent my annoyance. This has been annoying me for some time but tonight it is to the point of venting. So we have an incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY wealthy bishop. He provides many families in our ward places to live for free or pretty close it. And I sure many other things that people are unaware of. Super nice, I know.  So 2 years ago when we were first in the ward we wanted to provide Thanksgiving for someone and so we asked the Bishop. He said no one was in need so we didn't do it. We were bummed but if no one needed it what are we to do. We transferred to a student ward shortly thereafter because we didn't fit in very well in that ward. Well, recently our student ward changed boundaries and we are back to our family ward with this Bishop again. The ward is great just not a super lot of young people. So we meet with the Bishop about our pornography situation and he says he will find some good counseling and get back to us the next day. The whole interview overall was weird. He didn't seem super knowledgable and even left the meeting because his wife suspected a burglar in the neighbors home. He asked if we wanted blessings and when we said yes he said ok lets schedule it because he had another appointment. We have yet to get those blessings 2 1/2 months later. I understand he is busy but I honestly don't feel very cared about. He also asked if we would be able to afford it. We said hesitantly that we would make it work (we are in the hole thousands due to school and haven't had a job for 2 years) but this was worth it. The Bishop is loaded, he could have made us feel less stupid about our lack of money. A week goes by with no contact from him. I finally try to find my own couseling and to get it paid for the Bishop has to approve. NO ONE could get ahold of him. Not me, not my hubs, not the counseling place. BLAH! I am pretty annoyed by this point and feeling quite alone and abandoned. My husband finally found free couples therapy through his school so we went to that. So basically what I am saying is how frustrated this whole thing has been when I know that we have a VERY caring and financially sound Bishop but when it came to my time of need he was and still is no where to be found. He still has never met or asked us about how we are doing. We don't even have callings (which really annoys me). For all he knows we are getting divorced (which we're not). We're doing surpisingly well. :) So anyways now that I have vented I feel bad because I am sure he is an amazing man and helps so many. I just wish that in my desperate time of need I was watched over. Thank goodness for a husband who even though he caused the problem is so eager and ready to support me. Ugh. I hope that you have found a different experience when confronting this problem. That others have come to your rescue instead of having to find everything yourself. I am grateful for the people I did confide in who have helped me but I am quickly learning that it is something I have to do myself. No one else can do it for me.

Talking

I am finding that one of the most difficult parts of this whole healing process is finding who to turn to. Through my whole marriage I have turned to my husband to discuss problems and issues I am having. Now he is the source of my problems (I'm not trying to be mean, I hope you know what I mean) and I don't want to offend him because of my new found feelings. Example. Today my parents took my husband and I to the play South Pacific. I tried to enjoy it but in all honestly I really didn't. Some of the soldiers go to an island so they can meet some "dames" and sleep with them. Arg. It made me so annoyed and physically ill to my stomach. In the past this would never have bothered me, I wouldn't have even noticed it. Now it sickens me. I try so hard not to think of men as these lustful indulging animals (because most are not) but the thought is hard to remove when I am constantly inundated with this. I also saw Captain America this week with the hubs and same thing. It just made me so mad. It upsets me that I can't even go out for a nice evening without becoming upset at what I see. Very frustrating. Back to not being able to talk with my husband. I do tell him most of the time when I am sad or frustrated because of where we are now but I feel awful for hurting him like that. He already feels bad enough and me showing my frustrations is just another burden. I know I can talk with some close friends and family but then I feel like I am hiding things from him. It's a tricky situation for me to say the least. Constantly finding new "joys" HA! to this wonderful adventure I have been put in. Oh, life.

Another Day

It was another wonderful day of therapy! haha Those words don't belong together in the same sentence. Today went well, I am not nearly as physically exhausted as I was last week after the meeting. Today I met with the counselor without my husband and opened up a little more. I have been struggling whether or not I should research pornography extensively or just leanr about what I am specifically dealing with. She told me to try different outlets and to see how they feel. That sounds so therapy like doesn't it? At this point I feel like researching it extensively would be a hindrance to me. I don't want to read the horrific gruesome stories that people are dealing with. I have enough tears shed on my own situation let alone someone elses. There is so much heartbreak that people are dealing with and I don't want to place even more on me. Another thing that I am working on is recognizing my emotions and not putting them aside. Usually when I feel sad or mad I put it aside and eventually explode weeks or months later. I let everything build, even the tiny things, until they completely explode out of me without warning. I am trying to say to myself "I feel sad, I want to cry and so I will." It's strange but is going well so far. I am also trying to feel more "empowered" if you will. I like to throw myself pity parties and think, "I do this this and this for everyone else and what do I get in return? Nothing." This is so not true but at the same time I am trying to let myself do the things that I want when I want them. Today I bought some eyeshadow. I know that sounds absurd but those are things I just don't do because I think I don't deserve them. That truly sounds ridiculous but it is true. Through finding out about my husbands pornography problem, I finding a lot of flaws in myself and realizing that I need help figuring them out. I still keep hoping this will go away and that I won't have to deal with it anymore. I keep thinking that I have been dealing with this for over a month, shouldn't I be over it by now? Boo for non quick fixes. This takes time and patience. 2 Things I am not super thrilled about or good at. Hopefully as I work on my own honest emotions I will be able to overcome. Speaking of which, what does overcome even mean? What determines this being over with? Those are annoying thoughts (sigh). How do I know when life is "normal" and "all better" again? Will it ever be?