Where's the off switch?

So sometimes I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that we except our husbands to be able to flip a switch and have no more problems with pornography, masturbation, or whatever else this addiction has brought into our lives. Well, unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of these men have suffered from this addiction for more than a decade and for them to just 'flip a switch' really isn't possible. Addiction rewires the brain. To heal they have to rewire it again. Their addictions have taken years to escapade and in order to truly heal, it will take time as well. I know, what a bummer. Sorry. Whomever finds a cure to addiction will be rich! If only they could confess and be 'fixed' right? We, as wives need to be supportive and understanding of the time this will take WITHOUT putting ourselves in a dangerous place. We all differ in severity, recovery, willingness to recover, and actual sobriety. I cannot speak for everyone by any means but I do feel that it is important that we all understand that healing and sobriety are not immediate. Just as healing for ourselves will not be immediate. Healing our hearts is similar to healing our physical wounds. It physically hurts at times, does not happen in an instance, and occasionally leaves a scar or does not work exactly the way it did before. Time is one of those answers that honestly annoys me. Maybe because I know it is so true. Whether you have stayed with or have parted ways with your spouse you have to heal yourself. He has to decide ON HIS OWN if he is going to heal himself. We can love, support and encourage him but we cannot expect an overnight miracle. Choose what will work for YOU. Do what YOU have to do to heal yourself and realize that your husband is not going to be better by tonight. He can do this if he chooses but it may be a longer process than you had hoped for. I personally have chosen to stand by my husband. I encourage and support him. I go to 12 step recovery meetings for myself. I blog for myself. I pray and ask for guidance for both of us. We chat about how he is feeling and what tempts him. He trys again and I continue to support if he slips. We have realized that this is forever part of lives. Something that we want to make sure we are aware of and teach our kids about. He will not slip his whole life but it is something that will be discussed and watched out for. The world we live in makes this a very difficult addiction to overcome. They don't simply get to avoid the bar they got drunk in. They have to somehow find other outlets and activities to avoid what no one can miss if they are living breathing souls. Immodesty, television, internet ads, Victoria Secret, the swimming pool, etc. We do not live in a condusive environment for healing but with Heavenly Father's help we can be whole again. Our life may be different but who knows, maybe different is better. Be patient with your husband. Be patient with yourself. The wound is open and will heal as long as you allow and assist it to.

Be the hero

So yesterday I went to a Scentsy convention where I was suppose to get all fired up about selling Scentsy and becoming filthy rich. Ha ha ha. I had a good time and did learn a few things but somehow my mind kept wandering to the topic of this blog. I guess my focus isn't 100% on selling Scentsy (but my house does smell good :) and more so on life and trials. So here was the message that I took home that I want to share with all of you. It was one short sentence but one that hit me. The speaker said don't be the victim of your life, be the hero. It's so simple yet true. So many times in my life I think; 'I can't do this, this is hard, I am not good at this, why me, why should I even try', and on and on and on. I am the type of person that likes to be automatically good at things, and that list is not overly long. I don't like putting much effort into things and when I am not good I usually quit. Really though. I played soccer from the age of 4 and quit at 14 when I didn't like the coach. I tried out for dance, tennis, basketball, and student body in high school all with no success. I didn't try out again. I have high self esteem and like the person that I am but I am a quitter. I don't like trying once I fail the first time. I make myself the victim instead of the hero. When I heard this sentence yesterday I thought how very true it is to become the victim of our husbands pornography addiction. We did NOTHING to cause this. We did NOTHING to deserve this. In some cases we even tried to do everything to avoid it. And still we are the ones who get to suffer and hurt from somebody else's actions. We are the ones who attend therapy and 12 step programs in hopes to heal our broken hearts. When you look at this situation it most definitely seems as though we are the victim. If we allow ourselves to be, we are. We can become the helpless sad victim who never mends her broken heart. Well, here's the good news. You don't have to be the victim, in fact you can be the exact opposite. You can be the hero! You can continue to attend therapy, communicate openly with your husband, attend 12 step meetings, cry/vent/sob/laugh/etc. whenever you need to. You can become whole again. Your heart can mend, it can become stronger. You can become stronger in the gospel, strenghten your marriage, even become the person you have always wanted to be from the results of a horrible addiction. Being the hero in this trying time is not easy. It's not fun or enjoyable but it is possible and it is worth it. I thank my Heavenly Father that for one of the first times in my life I did not allow myself to become the victim. I chose to nip this thing in the rear and figure it out. I feel like such a better person because of this trial. The communication skills I have developed with my husband were non-existant before this burden entered my life. I am grateful that I became the hero in my life. Don't be the victim in your life, be the hero!

Bishop's Words of Wisdom

Today our Bishop spoke in Sacrament Meeting and he gave such a wonderful message that applies to all of us in this life. He talked about how when we get off track (whatever it may be) we all tend to focus on the "why did we get off, how did we get off, and when did we get off?" Instead we need to focus on how do we get back on track. He spoke about when people come into his office with a problem (been there!) they are so consumed with the past. In order to heal and become whole again we need to forget about how we got there and focus on how we can heal and become better. Such a simple message but I think it is something that sometimes we forget. We make decisions every day of our  lives. Decisions cannot be reversed. Accept them. If they are wrong you can't reverse them but you can take action to make them better. Somtimes we do have to re-evaluate the past but the majority of time we need to stop worrying about the past and move onto the future. We can't change what has happened good or bad in this life, it's done. May we all move on to the future. Focus on what we can do better and how we can become better each day. I have many things that I strive to do better each day. I have daily set backs but I re-evaluate, learn from what I did wrong, and strive to do better again. I'm still not perfect, dang it! haha. Our husband's pornography addiction is part of our life. We don't want it to be, but it is. Accept it, start learning how to heal, and happiness and peace will come again.
- PS: There is a film trying to raise money that I will be posting more about soon. Here is their website until I can get you more details. I am REALLY thankful someone is putting this out. It is desperately needed. Hope you will get behind this with me.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/141091137/shamed-a-documentary-feature-film

Forgiveness after Relapse

Pete's week of travel did not end well.  His last night away he stayed in a hotel with no safe, and during the middle of the night he relented to temptation.  The next morning, hours before he was to return home, he texted me his confession. 

Of course I was angry and hurt.  I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks.  At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was.  But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me.  The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened.  As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him. 

Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal.  We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his.  I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me.  I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point.  This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me.  I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.

Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment.  I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him.  I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson. 

The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it.  My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start".  Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging.  Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future. 

I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me.  It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone.  But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation.  It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and ulitimately it will save my marriage.

H.A.L.T.

I mentioned earlier that Pete decided to tell his dad about his addiction, and doing so has been so helpful.  His dad shared with us the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired."  These are the psychological/emotional "places" where temptation most often occurs.  Looking back I can see how it is true, not just for my husband but for me as well. 

Pete is out of town this week at a training.  All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails.  One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely.  His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling.  Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed.  This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one.  After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan.  He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there.  When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels.  By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again.  Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it. 

Travel is so hard.  It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry.  It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur.  But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.

No fear of judgement...

I remember when I first learned of my husband's struggle with pornography. Amongst the many, many thoughts was the fear of someone thinking less of my husband if they knew. I wanted to protect him. Amidst my hurt, I still wanted to protect him. And I thought that telling no one would protect him, and myself. No one knew for a few years, and guess how far we got........eh, a stone's throw at best, if anywhere at all. Compared with the miles covered since involving select others, it was literally nowhere. I now understand the error in my thinking. This type of addiction is much more successfully overcome when involving close family or friends to one's comfort, and/or support groups. Successful to the individual for accountability and encouragement, and successful to the wife for support and perspective. The battle is uphill and steep with loose footing. However, it is worth it, oh so very worth it if both husband and wife are willing! I no longer feel the need to protect, no no, rather commend and revel in my husband's choice to not give up, to endure, to educate himself and seek help. I stand in awe at his determination to be freed from this entanglement. Whatever it took, and continues to take to not only sustain but to be anxiously engaged in good (fighting it). I am no longer shocked to hear of someone struggling with this, no matter how well I know them. In fact, if they are between the ages of 11 and 36, there's a right good chance they are, to some degree or another. I would hope that all wives would bluntly ask their husband's if they struggle with this. This may be bold, but I believe it is a responsibility/right of ours as wives. Not to mention as a mother as well. Our children are inundated by this before they even know what it is. My two year old has already seen pornography! As mothers, our concern cannot be solely focused on keepimg it away. That is impossible. It is everywhere our children go, the mall, the grocery store check out aisle, the billboards,the gas stations, media, phones, and friends. Educating them begins as soon as they can understand "good picture/bad picture" (what makes them feel yucky or confused) turn it off, and "tell mommy". The more comfortable and educated we are with this subject, the more approachable we can be as parents. Open communication from the get-go. We CAN talk about this. We NEED to talk about this.

Help

Just wanted to post about some of the things I have found to help me through this process. Writing in my journal or this blog has been good, talking WAY OPENLY with my husband, cafemom.com, the book Confronting Pornography, and NOT controlling my husband.
-Writing has been a good outlet to express my emotions and also to keep track of how I felt when others need help in the stages I have now surpassed.
-Talking openly with my husband has been most beneficial I would say. This is a tricky one because your husband also has to be willing. We have been patient at listening to each other devulge what hurts us the most. We have stayed up for hours crying and physically hurting. In the moment it is so painful but we are able to completely communicate with each other and understand where we are coming from. I understand this is beyond difficult but for me it has been SUPER beneficial.
-Someone told me about the site cafemom.com. They have a forum called "wives of porn addicts" that has been really interesting and helpful. Some stuff is totally bizarre but I just disregard and read what pertains to me. I would reccommend it though.
-My brother in law sent my husband the book Confronting Pornography and it has a portion for the spouse. SOOO beneficial. I felt like it was my EXACT situation. I would TOTALLY reccommend it. Very good insight.
-Lastly, which I think may be more difficult for some than others, is NOT controlling my husband. This is not something I can fix for him. He has to do this on his own. Me monitoring him or checking internet usage is not going to solve this. We have gotten rid of his smart phone, watch significantly less tv, and have agreed that if he has a problem he tells me that day. Otherwise he is on his own. I love and support him and talk with him frequently. He goes to group therapys and is learning other outlets in stressful moments. I hope these things can be of benefit for you and if you have found other coping mechanisms please share. Addictions can be overcome. I am truly grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that He knows the pain we have all experienced. Heavenly Father is so aware of us and wants us so badly to overcome this and teach others how to do lifewise. Satan is vicious and works in such deceitful ways! We are strong women. As we strengthen our own families we can then help others strengthen theirs.
PS do something for youself today, I'm debating between a pedi or shopping... hmm

Scripture Power

Tonight during family scripture study, one kid screaming another laughing, I actually found something helpful. In Alma 5:6-12 it talks about the hell they are going through and how they persisted. How did they persist? They had a change of heart. It really hit home for me. I don't feel like I am currently in hell but I did at the beginning and what saved me was my determination to make this work. I believe so strongly that we are given trials to learn, grow, and help others. Trials are not fun. A husbands pornography addiction is REALLY not fun, but we can do it. We are strong. We have good husbands who have a horrible addiction. Heavenly Father still loves them and He loves us. If Jesus Christ was here today, he would not shun or judge our husbands. He would love them, support them through recovery, and protect them. I want to be Christlike and do the same. It is not easy but it is worth it. Being put through this "hell" has made me realize how much I do truly love my husband. I want him to recover and heal. I want us to recover and heal. I am grateful for the inspired scriptures. I am grateful that tonight through my kids madness I was able to feel the spirit and remember that GOOD men and women were tried thousands of years ago and are still tried today. We can do this! Our husbands can overcome. We can be happy again. I hope that you will read Alma 5 and be inspired like I was tonight. I am truly grateful for the scriptures and my testimony in such a time of need.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.

Another Day

It was another wonderful day of therapy! haha Those words don't belong together in the same sentence. Today went well, I am not nearly as physically exhausted as I was last week after the meeting. Today I met with the counselor without my husband and opened up a little more. I have been struggling whether or not I should research pornography extensively or just leanr about what I am specifically dealing with. She told me to try different outlets and to see how they feel. That sounds so therapy like doesn't it? At this point I feel like researching it extensively would be a hindrance to me. I don't want to read the horrific gruesome stories that people are dealing with. I have enough tears shed on my own situation let alone someone elses. There is so much heartbreak that people are dealing with and I don't want to place even more on me. Another thing that I am working on is recognizing my emotions and not putting them aside. Usually when I feel sad or mad I put it aside and eventually explode weeks or months later. I let everything build, even the tiny things, until they completely explode out of me without warning. I am trying to say to myself "I feel sad, I want to cry and so I will." It's strange but is going well so far. I am also trying to feel more "empowered" if you will. I like to throw myself pity parties and think, "I do this this and this for everyone else and what do I get in return? Nothing." This is so not true but at the same time I am trying to let myself do the things that I want when I want them. Today I bought some eyeshadow. I know that sounds absurd but those are things I just don't do because I think I don't deserve them. That truly sounds ridiculous but it is true. Through finding out about my husbands pornography problem, I finding a lot of flaws in myself and realizing that I need help figuring them out. I still keep hoping this will go away and that I won't have to deal with it anymore. I keep thinking that I have been dealing with this for over a month, shouldn't I be over it by now? Boo for non quick fixes. This takes time and patience. 2 Things I am not super thrilled about or good at. Hopefully as I work on my own honest emotions I will be able to overcome. Speaking of which, what does overcome even mean? What determines this being over with? Those are annoying thoughts (sigh). How do I know when life is "normal" and "all better" again? Will it ever be?

Counseling

So today we went to couples counseling. It was... interesting? Let's me honest I wasn't super thrilled about how it went. The couselor is super great don't get me wrong but I felt like it stirred up all the emotions that I thought were behind me. Maybe they're not behind me? Or maybe they really were just rekindled. Either way not super enjoyable but hoping it will be good in the end. I realized tonight that something that is super frustrating to me is that my husband will rid this of life (halleluah) but how do I truly overcome my hurt? I have forgiven him but I am still hurt. Ugh I once again feel lost and confused. I wish someone would just tell me what to do but it's not happening any time soon. Somthing the hubs and I talked about tonight was that this might just be something that I have to overcome on my own with my Heavenly Father's help. This is a hard realization for me because I like immediate fixes. I have felt like there is so much help for men dealing with pornography related issues (thank goodness) but very little for the spouses. Society has shunned the topic of pornography but the truth is that it is far more spread than any of us can even imagine. How sickeninig to know that it is a billion dollar industry. I hope one day that I will be brave enough to share my story and be a strength to those dealing with it. I also hope that more talk and awareness will evolve so that this addiction can be avoided all together.