That Blows

What a day. What a day. To make a SUPER long story short, we just blew about $500 on a job that we did not get. My husband has had to travel twice to a neighboring state for tests and interviews for a potential job. I don't want to even hash all the ridiculous things that have happened throughout the whole process but it has been so frustrating. We barely have enough money to make it through the end of the year and no job offers at this point. STRESSFUL to say the least. Once again I am faced with adversity. How am I dealing with it all you ask? Laughing first off! Praying fervently and learning from what has happened and what to avoid in the future. Man life is crazy sometimes...... C.R.A.Z.Y!

*sigh (maybe a couple sighs actually or just a really really long one)*

Link

I linked a very useful site on the Resources side bar, Row Boats and Marbles. After clicking on the link, scroll slightly down their sidebar to "Essays", Letter to the Wives is well written and provides much clarity on the mechanics of SA. Their whole site is well done though...one I and my husband have already benefited from.

Marriage

Tonight I was unable to go to AR meeting and I was actually bummed. Who is bummed about missing addiction recovery meeting? That's messed up. haha Anywho, the reason I was sad is because I consider those women my true friends. I love hearing from them and sharing my story with them. We chat briefly after group but it is so fulfilling to see such remarkable women doing their best in times of such tragedy. They inspire me to say the least.
On another note. I have felt so bombarded recently with how much adversity life throws at each one of us. Every person has trials and most are quite significant. I have felt so strongly that Satan is truly attacking marriages and family. He wants us to fail and will do whatever he has to do to accomplish this. I feel so strongly that marriage is worth fighting for. No matter the pain... no matter how long it takes... Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY support those who have unfortunately not been able to stay married. There are CERTAINLY instances where the absolute right decision is to move on. My heart goes out to you. I feel that this would be much harder than enduring the affliction some marriages obtain. I understand how touchy of a subject this is, especially for a addicts wife blog. I support each one of you in each of your own circumstances and choices. However, I feel so so so strongly that marriage is difficult, it isn't always enjoyable but it is worth every sacrifice, tear, and agony to make it succeed. Satan is vicious and cunning and finds ways into our lives without us ever realizing it. I hope and pray that we may all fight for what is right married or not. Stand up for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Be proud to chose the right even when it's hard. Love your husband as best you can. Save your marriage if at all possible. Heavenly Father loves and will sustain us as we do the same for Him and His church.

I did it!!!

I did it!! Well, rather my husband did it but hey at least it's done. DVR is GONE!!!! He finally took it back to the cable company for me today because he knew I wanted it gone but was never gonna get around to doing it. What a good guy :) It's weird honestly to not have our shows to watch. We have worked on our Amazing Race application (ya I know, awesome huh), made homemade soft pretzels and limeade. Haha wow that is a lot. Think of all the great things we will get done now that we don't have our recorded shows! I am excited actually and hooray for saving money too. Always a bonus in life (I'm a couponer ;).
On another note today I had yet another interesting encounter. My friend was talking to me about her rocky marriage and I just told her life that her marriage is sooo worth fighting for no matter how long and painful the journey is. She went on to talk about blogs she has found where the wife is supportive and encouraging to her husband regardless of his pornography addiction. Oiy vey, ironic to say the least. She clarifyed that this wasn't her source of marital problems and said she would never be able to handle such a thing. I just shook my head, once again lost for words. So I guess hats off to us? Haha. Ok sorry I shouldn't be laughing about such things because we ARE amazing, beyond amazing actually. Everyone is dealt a different hand in life and what we do with it will determine the person that we are. Keep pushing forward. Become better because of the hand you have been dealt.

Tender Mercy

Each night we read scriptures as a family. Recently we have chosen one scripture that we are trying to memorize. 1 Nephi 2:3  After we read, we recite the chosen scripture. Usually it is just my husband and I with my almost 3 yr old mumbling along with us. Tonight out of the blue my 2ish yr old recites by herself; 1 Nephi 2:3 'And it came to pass that I was obedient... mumble mumble mumble'. I literally almost cried! What a tender mercy to know that my precious little girl IS listening, she IS learning, the scriptures ARE becoming familiar to her. Such a good night for me. The Lord is oh so aware of us.

FYI: 1 Nephi 2:3 And it came to pass that he was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him.

Love Hate Relationship

Entertainment is a love hate relationship for me. I LOVE tv... a lot. I especially love Bachelor, Survivor, Biggest Loser, and so much more. We watch quite a bit of tv and an occasional redbox movie. I have never thought twice about what I was watching. I didn't appreciate trashy scenes or scandelous jokes and apparel but for the most part I didn't think it really mattered. I know, awful but true. Now that I am aware of this addiction I am SHOCKED and DIGUSTED with what is put into the media we watch. I get so annoyed that every film we watch is corrupted with sex and nudity. ERG!! So frustrating. I feel like we can't watch anything without holding the remote to fast forward through scenes. We have eliminated many tv shows to my sadness but it is worth it. I have been so annoyed lately though because we have watched 2 movies this month and they are such trash! It really irritates me. I feel like I should really get rid of my DVR but sadly I don't want to live without it. You probably all think I am crazy and I probably am :) but this really is so frustrating to me. The media we are living with is appalling yet I still have a hard time eliminating it. Give me the courage to rid it from my life. I really need to.

Curiosity

So today while sitting with my neighbor as our kids played, she asked where I go every Tuesday night. (We hang out every day and are very good friends, so no she is not stalking me0. Uh, ok a little caught off guard I am at addiction recovery meeting every night because my husband has an addiction to pornography is what I thought but I definitely did not say that. She is dealing with her own marital issues and I have told her that everyone has problems including us (she assumed we were the "perfect mormon neighbor next door, we have good 'sunday faces'"). She doesn't know what we are dealing with nor do I know what she is dealing with. We talk in very general terms when it comes to the subject of our marriages. So anyways after she asked me she was all is this a hush hush thing? I said kind of, but I think my husband wants to talk to yours before I talk to you (which is true). I told her I go to therapy for what we are dealing with but that someday soon I will tell her exactly what it is. She asked why I would tell her and I explained that what we are dealing with is so prevalent among people but not talked about so we want to get the word out to as many people as we can but that it is scary to talk about. So anyways, it was interesting. I am nervous to talk with her because I fear she will think very poorly of my husband but at the same time I want to show her that good men and families are dealing with horrific events without any appearance of it. I want to share this trial with as many as I can as so show the hope and healing of it. Life is full of painful trials and they are not going to go away. When one gets resolved a few more pop up. This is life. What we do with them will determine the person that we are. Pornography addiction is awful, trust me I know. But it is overcomable. There is hope and healing. Marriages and people can become better and stronger. Lots of tears will be shed. Pain will be felt in more ways than you thought possible but someday it will be ok. Someday you will be happy and whole again. And who knows, maybe even happier! Maybe even better! Find resources and help so that you can be happier and better sooner rather than later. My marriage is the best it has even been and I honestly owe it to this trial. I cringe saying it, but it's true. Hearthache and turmoil are making me and my family better.

Broken Hearted...

I feel broken hearted... again. Not because of my own life but because of my best friend's. Today she confided in me that she is getting a divorce. My heart literally broke. I decided to confide in her what I have been dealing with. Low and behold her husband suffers from a similar addiction. They have additional turmoil besides this addiction but I am continually reminded of Satan and his power. It sickens me to see the control he has on people in these last days. People and families lives are being broken because of his sneaky tactics. My heart aches for all those suffering in whatever trial they've been handed but especially for my best friend. I want so badly to fix what is broken for her. Make her marriage perfect and whole again, but I can't. I will love her and continue to be her friend. I will listen and support her. I hope that she and her husband whether they end their marriage or not can be happy again. I hope they can remember Heavenly Father who is all loving and powerful. I hope they will heal and strengthen themselves to be better because of this awful trial. Life is most certainly not easy. I am learning this all too quickly and personally. My heart aches for all of our dire situations but I know if we turn to our Heavenly Father we will survive this. Let Him lift this burden from you. Become better and stronger because of this. It's not easy or quick getting there but it will be worth it. I love my dear friend so much and support her in her decision whether she stays or goes. Thank goodness for a wonderful loving Father in Heaven!

Amazing Women

WOW!! Going to the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings is inspiring to say the least. I have found amazing women who are leading great lives regardless of their sometimes bleak situations. I am continually impressed each week at what these women endure each day yet they are happy. They are relying on Heavenly Father. Trusting Him and turning to Him in their moments of greatest weakness. Heavenly Father is ready, willing and wanting to help us. He will support us in our times of need. I watch these women love their spouses, raise righteous children, and live wonderful lives. No one would ever know the turmoil in their hearts. No one would ever know they cry into their pillows hoping their kids and husband don't hear. No one knows their hurt and pain. This addiction that we did nothing to do to bring into our lives is overcomable. As we turn to our Heavenly Father and put our full trust and faith in Him we will heal. We will be happy again. The Atonement is for you and for me. Jesus Christ suffered for each moment of our sorrow. He knows how you feel and He will comfort you in your time of need. I see it in these women I meet with each week. I am inspired by them. I love and appreciate them. I have become friends with them. I personally have turned to my Heavenly Father because I learned real fast that I could not do it on my own. My marriage is getting stronger. My testimony is growing. I am happier. All these things amist great sorrow and turmoil. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each one of us. Trial is part of this life but we can learn from it and become better because of it. The women in my addiction recovery class are proof!