Softened Heart

My heart aches for the pain I see in my friends going through this pornography addiction recovery. They have done nothing wrong yet they are still aching and suffering without anyone knowing. Their hearts and souls are broken and there is no medication big enough or fast enough to heal it. Can you imagine? Yes, you can imagine. You can imagine because you are either here or you have been here recently. When I was in my first stages of severe agony and heart break I was almost dysfunctional. Really. I cried much of my days and my kids were not being provided for as they should. I read an article in the Ensign about 'Choosing Happiness'. (I've posted about this previously).  I decided that day that even though my life felt out of control and unfair that I could choose to be happy. I chose to soften my heart towards my husband. I chose to push away the thoughts of what he had done. I chose to respect him and love him again. I chose to serve him and be served by him again. Ultimately I chose to love the good man that I knew he was behind this addiction. The days following did not become perfect and I still cry from time to time. However, I am happy. I love him and respect him. I have chosen to trust him. I know this is difficult for many but I have found that it is much less stressful to trust than to speculate every movement, breath, and action he makes. I am not responsible for his actions past, present, or future. I am not responsible for his decisions and I cannot change him no matter how hard I try. I am however responsible for my own actions. For my own feelings and thoughts. For the way I treat him and others around me. I am responsible for taking care of myself and my family. By choosing to be happy and softening my heart towards my husband who is trying his best I have found peace. I have been able to love myself and love him again. I support and respect the man that he is. He is trying. Your husband is trying. Encourage them. Be proud of them. Choose to be happy for his willingness to try. Choose to be happy for the many blessings that you do have. Choose to serve your husband and the Lord will bless you. You are responsible for your own actions and decisions, no one else's. Be the person whom you know you can and want to be. Choosing to do something totally opposite from what your brain and body is telling you is difficult but as you redirect your thoughts and attitude towards happiness you will see a mighty change of heart. A softened heart who loves and serves again.

My Testimony

I have never felt Heavenly Father's hand so powerfully in my life as I do right now. I have always known that Heavenly Father loves me and will provide for me but this past week I have actually seen his hand in my life. My husband and I have been trusting Heavenly Father more than ever before. We have gotten to the point in life where we have done everything humanly possible and we're relying on Heavenly Father to do the rest. It is hard and scary to rely on Heavenly Father but at the same time relieving and comforting. Heavenly Father is all-powerful, all-knowing, and loves us more than we can comprehend. I hope that if you do not know this that you will gain a testimony of it. Even though Heavenly Father wants the very best for us he cannot provide a perfect smooth sailing life. Just like we cannot protect our children from scraping their knee or bonking their head even though they are our most precious asset in life. We love them but they have agency and we cannot protect them from every hard thing. (I know not the best analogy but go with it). My husband and I have strong testimonies and do strive to do our best. We have been very stressed with several things in life and decided that we must completely turn to the Lord and trust in Him. He will never leave us. After months of heartache and pain our prayers were answered. We have been blessed with more than we could have imagined. Our trials are not over but Heavenly Father has shown us His hand. He has showed us that He will provide the way. He has showed us that our faith and trust in Him is real. I know Heavenly Father is real. I love Him. I trust Him. I rely on Him. I hope you know these things as well. I hope you rely on Him as strongly as I do. If you don't, please try. Do everything you can to follow Him. Obey His commandments. Serve Him. You do not and will not be perfect, I most certainly am not. You don't have to be. Heavenly Father knows your heart. He knows you are doing your very best. He will provide for you. It may not be today, it may not be this week, and it may not be this year. But one of these days, through your suffering and heartache, you will see His hand. You will feel His love. You will know He is real. I blog this post because I know it is true. I know it is real and I want so badly for you to know it is real and true. Heavenly Father loves you. He loves your husband. He hurts to see you cry and ache but He knows it is for your good and that you will become better because of this. Give Heavenly Father your trust, He will never let you down. I promise you that.

Proud of Him

I was out of town for the day and wouldn't be returning home until evening. My husband decided to rent the most recent Pirates movie to pass the time until I got home. I had previously told him that I did not want us to rent the movie because I had seen it in theatres and thought it wasn't good. He thought I just didn't like the movie so he rented it while I was gone. As I called him on my way home and asked what he was doing he told me he got the movie. I expressed that I didn't want him to watch it. He asked why and I told him how the movie not only was dark and not uplifting but filled with mermaid (sirens) who were way more provocative than I felt comfortable with. He told me that he would turn it off no problem. I was and am proud of him. Proud of him for trusting and respecting my opinion. Proud of him for turning it off when he could have finished it without me knowing. Before I was informed of this addiction I sadly would have not had thought twice. How many movies have we allowed into our home even though they are filthy and vulgar? I am grateful for my awareness of this addiction because I am now trying harder to keep the media clean in our home, which is not an easy task these days. I am proud of my husband today and am grateful for his respect towards me and our home. He is doing his best to overcome this unwanted addiction and that is all I can ask.

She Put's it Best

This is an amazing post http://hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/2011/10/addiction-recovery-group-meetings.html. Please read it. Please attend an Addiction Recovery Meeting. I echo every word she wrote! This meeting can and will change your life if you let it.

Another Blog

I have another blog link for your http://www.oursecretbattles.blogspot.com/. Feel free to check it out. If you ever want me to post your blog or something you write about pornography addiction recovery I would be more than happy to. I am trying to provide as many resources to you readers as possible. As you sift through them you will find which ones you find beneficial and those of which you won't be checking regularly. I hope that some of these sites will aid in your healing process. Thanks for stopping by mine on a regular basis!

Obligation

Have I mentioned that I love my LDS 12 step addiction recovery group? haha I do! Tonight at the very end of the meeting the sister missionary running the group shared a very powerful message. She talked about how she told her teenage grandkids that she knows what pornography is. She does not view it but she knows what it is and if they have been exposed to it she can help. Their parents can help. It is ok. Their parents and her (Grandma) are there for them. I was so impressed by this. Her teenage grandkids were so embarrassed initally but it quickly led to open conversation. These kids do not like what is being thrown at them. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. Life is out of control and we as strong LDS women need to be there for these children. We need to show them how aware we are of these issues and explain that we are here to help and guide. We will not get mad. We will love them and guide them back onto the correct path. I am inspired by this sister missionary to be an example and advocate against pornography. I thank the sister missionary who bore her testimony and is an example against this horrific plague. What blessed grandkids to have her as a grandmother. I hope to be this type of woman to my husband, children, friends, and someday future generations. What an inspiration!

MeltDown

Last night I had a MAJOR meltdown, to say the least. I am the type of person who bottles up emotions until they literally explode out of my body through tears. It's messed up, I know. I feel much better now however. I hate crying and being upset but it does feel nice once it's over. I am trying to express my emotions better when they are actually being experienced (not 3 months later). My heart has been aching for so many of my good friends who are suffering. I feel as though there is nothing I can do for them and it frustrates me. I feel like my house is always in chaos and messy (which it is) but that it shouldn't be. I want to be good at something. Something that people can see. You know how when you are asked what your talent is you list piano, dance, singing, drawing, blah blah blah? Well I don't have any of those. It bugs me! I know I am talented in unseen ways but sometimes I just want to be apparently good at something. I have decided to be good at selling Scentsy. Well... it's a lot harder than I thought but I'm not going to give up. I always give up. I don't like things that are hard. I gave up soccer, I gave up dance, I gave up a blog after 2 weeks bc I sucked at it. I don't want to give up anymore. I want to be good at something. I want to persevere. I am going to persevere. I can do this and I will.

Group

Ok seriously I LOVE group!! haha That is so ridiculous but true. I have met such amazing women and I feel like we are such great friends now. After the meeting a bunch of us just sat and chatted. I loved it! I want to hang out with them more often because they are so inspiring. I encourage you all if you do not already attend an LDS addiction recovery group to find one and go. It's so uplifting and spiritual.
I feel so blessed lately and know that Heavenly Father is watching over me and my family. Life can get so crazy and out of control but if we keep going and persevere we will be blessed. Who knows when, but we will. Sometimes it seems so unfair what we may have to endure but everyone in this life is dealt a different hand and everyone deals with tribulation. Even the prophet and apostles of the Church deal with tribulation. No one is exempt unfortunately. Overcoming pornography addiction is DIFFICULT to say the least. It is exhausting, stressful, and burdensome. Hours are spent crying, hating, wondering "why me?" and eventually forgiving. Our loved ones with the addiction experience similar emotions. This is DIFFICULT beyond belief for them. They are embarassed and ashamed for what has become of their life. They want so badly not to hurt us (the wives/loved ones) but they are addicted. They are good men with good hearts. They are! But this is a horribly addicting addiction that requires a lot to overcome. Take care of yourself and your family. Support your husband for his efforts in overcoming this. He is still a good man and he never knew how badly he would hurt you with this addiction. We are amazing women to deal with such an embarassing addiction but we can do it. We can become better. It takes time. It takes effort and it's not always going to be comfortable. Keep fighting. Heavenly Father is watching over you and you will be blessed abundantly whether it is in this life or the next. Be proud of the beautiful and amazing woman that you are! Because you are!

Hooray!!!!!

My hubs got a part time job and I have started selling Scentsy!! Yay for a small amount of money to help us out. I feel very blessed for these simple jobs to have entered our lives in such times of need. They should help us get through the end of the year. And great timing because our oven broke today. Haha oh life, it's just wonderful isn't it? Really though, I am so grateful that we will be able to have just a little extra money to provide for the simple things and repair the broken ones :). Heavenly Father will always provide a way.