Sorry

I apologize GREATLY for those who have emailed me and not gotten a response. I would have been so frustrated and I am truly bummed I was not a better help to you out there. I hope that you will still feel free to contact me via email. I will be better, promise. I hope that you are finding hope and healing through 12 step groups, online forums, religious leaders, and any other resources you can get your hands on. Pornography addiction is REAL. So so so so so so stinkin' real. I hate it. It is hurting so many and ruining so many lives it's just ridiculous. I hurt for all of those who have been personally affected. I know, from first hand experience that recovery and healing are possible. When your spouse is ready to heal, support him. You cannot force him to want to change, unfortunately. You can however in the meantime heal yourself. Even though you are not addicted to pornography you have been sucked in and deeply wounded. You need healing. You need healing even if your husband was 'cured' tomorrow. And it is possible. Fight to be happy again. Fight to have a good marriage again. It is so worth it and so possible. You can do this!

Shamed Fundraiser

Order any Avon products you want, get it delivered to your doorstep, and donate 30% of your total to Shamed the Movie. Shop at www.youravon.com/amybangsmith and use the checkout code SHAMED. This is a cause worth fighting for!! Support at great cause and get some awesome products all in one stop... I think yes!

Shamed Teaser

Another teaser for Shamed the Movie. Click here to watch. My husband are in this one again. If you know me and need help please contact me. I will keep all information confidential. And if you don't know me and still need help, please feel free to still contact me. I want to help any of those on this hard hard journey!

Shamed the Movie

My husband and I are in here ;) I hope this movie continues to move forward! http://vimeo.com/43156792

No inspiration

Since I haven't had many insights of my own lately so I continue to post about others who do. Here is one I really like. I hope it helps you on your journey. http://familyprestige.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-i-wish-i-would-have-known.html

Amazing Post

I want to share a great post with you all. Hope you are touched just as I was. What an inspiring woman!
Click Here to read.

Face to our Story

So last week we were called and asked to put our faces on camera. We went to where the Shamed movie is being filmed and shared our story, all while the cameras were rolling. Strangely it wasn't uncomfortable or weird... I mean yes the cameras and mic in my face was weird but sharing our story wasn't. I don't know whether we will appear in the film or not but the fact that we were willing to share our story made me strangely happy. If only I had had that resource last year when this horror came to light. What a strength and encouragement it could have been to me. I do not know when or how the film is being released but I am so thankful that someday soon it will be. That women and men will have yet another resource in their arsenal. I just wanted to share that. I am very grateful to the producers of this film and hope that it will truly help many in facing this battle. And don't you all worry. If we do appear on the film we will most certainly make ourselves known here so you aren't wondering whether every person on it is me or not. Keep fighting your battles. Life is good and if it doesn't feel good right now, I promise it will soon as you keep enduring.

If she can do it, We can too!

Boundary #1

So when the hubs and I got married 4 plus years ago we discussed the importance of not being alone with the opposite sex, regardless of who the person was; neighbor, friend, getting a ride home, church member, blah blah blah... I had no idea of the addiction at that time but agreed that it was a good rule of thumb to adhere to. I'm a youngin' so when my friends starting coming home from missions I would facebook them or run into them places and chat for a few minutes and go along my way. When my ex-boyfriend from high school came home I friended him on facebook, quickly realized it was a bad idea and unfriended him. When my best friend from high school (a guy) came home we said our hellos and kept in contact again. He married a great girl from high school and so we (my hubs and I and my best guy friend and his wife) got together one time to have a game night. After that night my husband informed me that we would not be having them over again. I was annoyed beyond belief. 'Um, they are my friends, what is the big deal?' My husband felt uncomfortable with how well we knew each other (the guy and I). It wasn't that we were lovey dovey, even sat too close, or ever even did a darn thing romantically during high school. It was the fact that we had too friendly of a connection. Something that is a problem for a guy and girl to have if they are not married. We knew each other so well, too well for married people to know about another married person. We were the type of friends that told each other about what we did during the weekend with my boyfriend, and his girlfriend. We gave each other advice during high school. We were always each others back up dates. We would hang out because no one else could. We took easy classes together so we could just hang out. I finally understood my husbands point. My husband was not concerned that I would leave him or go sleep with this friend of mine. It was the fact that I might call him if I was frustrated. That I might rely on him for advice. That I might hang out with him without our spouses around (even innocently). In my husband and I's opinion this is not ok. We do not lean on another person of the opposite sex for support. Even if we know nothing bad will ever happen, the fact that you are telling someone besides your spouse your inner most feelings is not good for a marriage. Our spouses are the ones we should be leaning on, asking for support, hanging out with when we are bored, lending a shoulder when we are sad. Now, you might be saying, 'Ok, crazy Wife A, my husband is the source of all my pain, the reason why I need a shoulder to cry on.' We have all totally and maybe still are there. We do need other support besides just our spouse, espeically when our spouse is creating all the problems. However, during these times that our spouse is creating all the heartache on us I think it is the time to be EXTRA cautious of who we seek out. I can't imagine if I had stayed buddy buddy with this guy from high school, the addiction came to light, and I turned to my guy friend for support. The bond between the guy friend and I would have grown immensely when the bond between my husband and I would have continued down the drain... Not good!!! Does that make sense? I guess I just feel sooo strongly that it is so important for the man in your life to be the only man in your life! Whether he is the source of all your pain or not. At one point in the past and hopefully again, he will be the source of all your happiness. Do not let another man step in to your husbands role and be the listening ear. By all means we need listening ears, we need shoulders to cry on. We need support in times of greatest trial. Turn to your mom, sister, friend, blogging, 12 step meeting, Heavenly Father, Bishop, me :), or another support person of the same sex. Do not put your marriage in more jeopardy that it already is. As with all my posts, this is my opinion. This is what works for me and what I know to be true for my life. Please do not take anything I write offensively for I know we all walk different paths. I write only the things which I feel strongly about and that are important to me. I do write them however to possibly spark an idea to change someone for good.

Let go

This week I have been realizing that everyone, but especially us women, seem to hold on to every little thing. We remember the day and time our husband forgot to run an errand he promised he would do. We remember the only time he ever called us a name, we remember the times he has slipped, we remember every little negative thing that the man we love has ever done to hurt us. Do we remember all the times he brought us flowers, did the dishes, bathed the kids, watch them so we could have a girls night, sent an 'I love you' text, watched some stupid chick flick with us, or any other of the many things he does daily? No, we mostly remember the bad things. How sad is that? And kinda pathetic if you ask me. We are so good at holding grudges and resentment. We are so quick to forget the good and remember the bad. Well, my dear virtual friends, this needs to stop. It needs to stop if we want to have a whole marriage again. If we want to be happy. If we want to love and respect that amazing man we married. If we want to move away from the bad and continue towards the good. Do what you have to do to resolve the past and then MOVE ON. I was telling my husband tonight that in so many situations I have seen lately that it is usually the guy who created the problem but the woman who won't let it go. So our hub brings a pornography addiction into a marriage, tries to overcome it with the wifes help, and meanwhile the woman is sitting in the corner so irritated beyond belief that she can't allow their marriage to get past it. (yes, I know, total dramatization there but you get the point.) We need to make amends and allow good times back into our lives. Neither party is going to be perfect after amends are made but we can continue to try. We can continue to forgive. We can continue, or restart, to love again. Whatever is holding you back, change it. Deal with it. Acknowledge it and let it leave you. Rid it from your system. Grudges and resentment are so stinking easy to hold on to, especially for us women. Let them go, rid them forever, and you know what? I think you will be happy with the results!

What Helps

Sometimes what helps me the most is to not think about it. My mind will occasionally go places I do not like. Sometimes thoughts of how horrible and degrading pornography is creep into my mind. I have to quickly push them away because it makes me distraught. I do not like to think of what pornography actually is. Maybe this is unhealthy, I don't know, but it hurts me to actually think of what images my husband has seen. I cannot let myself go there and so I don't. I know what pornography is. I know how degrading it is. I know how addictive it is. And I do not want to waste my time thinking about it. When these thoughts come to mind I get frustrated that I have them whatsoever. I push them away as quickly as possible. I do not let myself become irritated about it because there is no use. Me being annoyed makes no difference, it just harms my mood. I have also found when these thoughts come to my head it is so much easier to dislike my husband. I don't let the thoughts of 'how could he do this' and 'why' even be answered. Pornography is an addiction! Push them away. Run away. Run towards healing, recovery, and advocacy against this awful plague.

Where's the off switch?

So sometimes I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that we except our husbands to be able to flip a switch and have no more problems with pornography, masturbation, or whatever else this addiction has brought into our lives. Well, unfortunately this isn't the case. Many of these men have suffered from this addiction for more than a decade and for them to just 'flip a switch' really isn't possible. Addiction rewires the brain. To heal they have to rewire it again. Their addictions have taken years to escapade and in order to truly heal, it will take time as well. I know, what a bummer. Sorry. Whomever finds a cure to addiction will be rich! If only they could confess and be 'fixed' right? We, as wives need to be supportive and understanding of the time this will take WITHOUT putting ourselves in a dangerous place. We all differ in severity, recovery, willingness to recover, and actual sobriety. I cannot speak for everyone by any means but I do feel that it is important that we all understand that healing and sobriety are not immediate. Just as healing for ourselves will not be immediate. Healing our hearts is similar to healing our physical wounds. It physically hurts at times, does not happen in an instance, and occasionally leaves a scar or does not work exactly the way it did before. Time is one of those answers that honestly annoys me. Maybe because I know it is so true. Whether you have stayed with or have parted ways with your spouse you have to heal yourself. He has to decide ON HIS OWN if he is going to heal himself. We can love, support and encourage him but we cannot expect an overnight miracle. Choose what will work for YOU. Do what YOU have to do to heal yourself and realize that your husband is not going to be better by tonight. He can do this if he chooses but it may be a longer process than you had hoped for. I personally have chosen to stand by my husband. I encourage and support him. I go to 12 step recovery meetings for myself. I blog for myself. I pray and ask for guidance for both of us. We chat about how he is feeling and what tempts him. He trys again and I continue to support if he slips. We have realized that this is forever part of lives. Something that we want to make sure we are aware of and teach our kids about. He will not slip his whole life but it is something that will be discussed and watched out for. The world we live in makes this a very difficult addiction to overcome. They don't simply get to avoid the bar they got drunk in. They have to somehow find other outlets and activities to avoid what no one can miss if they are living breathing souls. Immodesty, television, internet ads, Victoria Secret, the swimming pool, etc. We do not live in a condusive environment for healing but with Heavenly Father's help we can be whole again. Our life may be different but who knows, maybe different is better. Be patient with your husband. Be patient with yourself. The wound is open and will heal as long as you allow and assist it to.

Happy Easter

Today we had some fun Easter madness. Neighborhood Easter egg hunts, city Easter egg hunts, and then of course turning ourselves into the Easter bunny and scattering eggs about the house. It has been a fun filled day. Easter candy is my personal favorite candy all year! Tomorrow in church I am teaching and obviously the lesson is about the first Easter. About Jesus Christ's ressurection. As I read through the lesson it dawned on me about how important this holiday is. Usually (sadly) I don't think much about it. When in reality it is so truly important for us to remember. What a blessing the knowledge of the ressurrection is to us.
Our Savior Jesus Christ died for us. For you. For me. For our husbands. He has felt every pain for us, whether it be for our sin or for our heartache. I know that Easter is more for focusing on the ressurrection but tonight I have focused on the Atonement. The knowledge I have that Jesus Christ died for us. That He died for my husbands sin's. He died for my sins, and more importantly for me right now, He felt the hearthache that I feel through this trial. Jesus Christ knows exactly how I feel. The Atonement is not only for the purpose of forgiveness. I have felt Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through this trial. I have had tender mercies, prayers answers, and yes even miracles during what has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have been able to rely on my Heavenly Father, trusting in Him, leaning on Him. I have prayed for help and strength. Begged and pleaded at times for the things I thought I needed. He has never left me. He has provided for me in more ways than I asked. I know Jesus Christ has felt your pain. He has felt mine and he knows ever so well our husbands pain. The Atonement is real and I know it. I hope that you know it too and if you don't, seek it out. This Easter weekend remember Him. Remember Jesus Christ and what He has done and does for us. He loves us and wants us to be happy. We can lean on Him in times of trial or happiness. This I do know and hope that you can too. Happy Easter! 

Don't Bash

So let's just start by saying I am totally not perfect at this but it is still one of my pet peeves. What is this pet peeve you may ask... Let me tell you. Bashing and complaining about our husbands. TOTALLY not necessary and a terrible idea really. This applys to everyone regardless of an addiction or not. It applies to all of us as humans too, not just in a marriage. There is always something to complain about in life. There is. But complaining just makes things worse. Like I said, I am not perfect at this but sometimes listening to someone complain about their husband is just ridiculous, uncalled for, and annoying. I feel like so many of us (me included) expect our husbands to be super-human and perfect in every way. Doing every little thing we ever dreamed of or see on tv. (Those characters on tv, they're characters, NOT rael people... just a little fyi for ya.) Our husbands are suppose to make millions of dollars, do the dishes and take out the garbage without being asked, be chipper after work allowing us to rest from our exhausting motherly duties, rub our feet and back every night, get the children to bed without any fits, etc, etc.  Well guess what? They are not super-human. They are just like us. They have weaknesses, they have tempers, they have addictions they are working on, they have a need to be appreciated/loved, they get hungry and tired, they get worn-out, just like you and me. Therefore, complaining about them is totally hypocritical. I lose my temper at least once a day. I am exhausted all the time. I want to feel appreciated and loved, and most of the time I am quite worn out. And do you know what the last thing I want? Is to be complained about by my spouse. I don't want him to be critical of me and I especially don't want him degrading me to his friends. So let's not do that about them. May we all give our husbands a break. May they give us a break. Let's be a partnership to help ease the load on the other. For those of you doing this alone right now, keep fighting. I don't know the pain and heartache you carry but I know you are amazing and that you can do this. So many people love you and support you. I don't mean at all to leave you out on this post but I just feel like writing about this today. Something that I have found to work for me is that when my husband doesn't do something that I 'expect' him to do, I do it myself. I am a capable person, I can do it, just like he can. I need to work on my attitude when I do it myself because I am onery for about 5 minutes but then get over it because the task is done. Rather if I wait for him to do it (not knowing how long it will take) I am onery that entire time! Not good. Then I usually remind him when I am cooled down that, 'hey I would really appreciate it if you did such and such'. For me personally, I was suuuuuper independent before I got married. Apparently me signing the marriage certificate told my brain to become completely dependent on my husband. We absolutely need to depend on each other but to some extent. For example, today one of my kids bike needed some adjustments. No big deal right? So I got out the tools and did it instead of waiting for my husband to come home and do it. Typically my brain would tell me, that's a dad thing just wait. But no I could do this. My child wanted to ride the bike and I could do this easily and I did. I feel like this post is going no where but I guess I just get so annoyed when woman complain about their spouse (legitimate reason or not). You chose to marry this person. Don't degrade them, espeically in front of your kids or to other people. They are people just like me and you. We all have weaknesses. We all have rough days, weeks, or months. Don't complain about the great person, who is trying really hard, that you married however long ago.

Don't Worry...

I know you have all been so panicked, probably losing lots of sleep at night (haha)... You probably thought I feel off the planet or something... Nope, still here just been busy I guess, or maybe I haven't known what to blog about. Anyways here I am again. I feel like I kind of repeat myself over and over on this blog about the same things but I guess it's because that is what's always on my mind. A while back I had the crazy idea of making my blog known. Like Jacy has done. I love it because putting a name, face, and story together is so much more real. I have thought on occasion as well, 'What if my best friend reads this blog and has no idea that this is me? She might need help, support, things which I could do for her but she doesn't even know this is me.' I mean what do I have to lose? Everyone who reads this thing is in my boat. If they read it so that they figure out who I am and judge me that is a little messed up right? Anyways it is still a little frightening to me. My husband and I interviewed a few weeks ago to possibly be part of the Shamed movie (who knows if they'll need us or not) but if we did that everyone would see our faces and names, yet we don't care. We want to help someone, anyone. We know the misery and we know the joy of recovery as well. If people choose to judge us that is there problem rnot ours. So anyways, back to showing myself on this blog... I will think about it. Chat with the hubs... Make a decision... And who knows... Maybe you might know me... Maybe I am your best friend... Maybe your neighbor... Maybe I am your daughter or sister... Or maybe I am a stranger... But a stranger who knows your pain, who knows your journey, who knows your heartache and who also knows your joy (or the joy you will soon have again). Whether I show my face and share my name I guess it doesn't really matter. My story is still the same. Pornography addiction sucks, it's difficult and painful, it's miserable and degrading, it's 'a million unkind words, HOWEVER happiness is possible again. Recovery is possible again. That 'perfect little mormon family' is possible again. Fight this plague. Support your hubs through his recovery and more importantly (hey happy wife happy life, right?) help yourself. Make yourself a priority and do whatever you have to to be happy again. I promise you it is possible and it is so incredibily worth it! 

Worth 2 seconds of your time

Saw this posted on facebook. It took me literally 2 seconds to sign. Definitely worth my time :). Hope you will do the same!

Click here to sign the petition.

Dear Husband

This morning my husbands uncle died. It was completely unexpected and shocking to everyone. He is young. Early 50's. I haven't dealt with a ton of death in my life, thankfully, and this is about the closest it has hit. We know him and hi kids quite well. As I have reflected on death today and how it would be to not have someone around that I truly love I thought of my husband. I thought about how difficult it would be to lose him. For him to be completely gone and out of my life. Of how hard it would be even with my testimony and knowledge that I would be with him again. Then I thought if I were to die would he know how much I truly loved him? Have I shown my love and appreciation throughout our marriage or would he be left to wonder? He knows I love him but does he really know? I don't mean this to be morbid at all but as I have thought about it today I wanted to write a letter to my husband. Telling my husband what I hope he would know if I were to be gone in an instance.

 Dear Husband,

 I love you more than my actions have ever shown you. I respect and appreciate you. I thank you for being a great husband and an amazing father to our children. I love you for providing for us. For doing everything in your power to allow me to stay home with them. For loving me and caring about my wants and needs. For sacrificing some of your dreams for the things I want. For listening to me. For encouraging me in my silly endeavors. For playing with our kids and being crazy with them. They love watching out the window waiting for you to come home each night. I love your fun surprises and corny jokes. I love you for striving to be a better man each day. I love you for forgiving me when I make mistakes, which is a lot. I love you for holding the priesthood in our home, for being willing and able when we need blessings. For being honest with me. For trusting and confiding in me. I love you for taking me to the temple 4 plus years ago. I thank you for doing your best every day. I thank you for making scriptures and prayer a priority in our home. I love you for helping instill the gospel into our kids lives. You are an amazing man and I love you for the person that you are. We have had our up's and down's but I love you. More so than I actually ever knew. Trials have been hard and not always enjoyable but they have made us better. They have strengthened you, me, and our marriage. I love you more than words can express. I appreciate and respect you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for putting me and our family first. You are an amazing man and I am a lucky woman. I love you!

 Love, Your Wife

How we communicate

I want to write about how my husband and I personally communicate in hopes that if you are struggling it will give you a few ideas. Some background: Before I was informed of this addiction we had a good marriage but communication was something we were not great at. We talked about what we needed to but never devulged our deepest darkest emotions. I like to appear that I have it all together all the time. I would usually talk with my sister or mom if I needed an opinion that didn't need my husbands ok. We were able to communicate about major decisions just fine (children, jobs, schooling, etc) but the small day to day things I typically went to someone else because I didn't think he really cared too much nor did I want to burden him. Since this addiction has come to pass we have had to learn how to communicate. Here is what I have learned: We first started by talking about his addiction almost every night, usually for hours. It was filled with tears and heartache. It was not enjoyable but it was needed. I got the information that I needed and have stayed unaware on details that I really don't want. I asked questions and he answered honestly. It was hard but it has proven worthwhile. We set up a weekly time that we would discuss how the week went. He would tell me if he messed up at all. We have now made the agreement that he has to tell me if he messes up by the end of the day. This has been huge for his recovery. When he feels vulnerable he will remember that he has to tell me. This is something that helps keep him strong. When he has told me it hurts. It is hard and I am literally speechless for a few minutes, sometimes sharp daggers are being shot from my eyes.... I thank him for telling me and then we discuss what led up to it and how we can avoid it next time. I couldn't tell you the last time we had to have one of these conversations :). Learning to communicate kindly can be tricky. I would tell my husband horrible things that had to have been killing him inside but I hope that I did it in a manner that was not deceitful but rather in one that informed him. He needed to know what my heart was thinking, how I was truly feeling. The more the subject is talked about the easier it is. At first the word pornography and addiction were like swear words to me. They felt uncomfortable. I would find words to avoid them and when I did have to use them I would whisper them. After LOTS of discussion on the subject we can now talk about it openly. We have told close friends. We share our stories when appropriate and possible. We discuss it easily in the privacy of our home and we plan, when our kids are older, to inform them of this. If nothing else learning to talk about pornography is vital for the sake of our kids. Our husbands were sucked into this addiction because no one knew it was happening and no one talked about. As we can learn to talk about it and discuss it openly we can prevent what has happened to us. That right there is reason enough for me to learn how to communicate about this. As my husband and I have learned to talk about his addiction we have now become more open with every aspect of life. The trivial trials that I use to seek others help with, I now seek my husbands. I feel closer to him and I actually trust him more than I use to... strange I know. Open communication is VITAL to a successful recovery and healing.
Find a time that you have a lot of time to sit down and talk with your husband without distractions. Tell him that you want both of you to heal and recover and that you want to learn how to talk about this so that you can help your kids in the future. I always preface (because I come off abrasive with no intent of doing so at all) with 'I don't want this to offend you but I need to talk about....' Ask the questions you need to know. Let information that will hurt too much or that is unneccessary go. Share your heart to him. Your true, raw emotions. It's hard but try it. Listen to his feelings. Ask what you can do to help him in his recovery. Tell him what you expect of him. Set realistic boundaries that both parties can agree on. I know how hard it is to share your real feelings with anyone but who better than your husband? Build or rebuild a good relationship filled with honest good communication. It is never too late to start! Once it is started, don't ever let it end.

What if...

What if I start acting happy, what will my husband think? Will he remember how miserable he has made me? Will he think this is all ok? I know I definitely had these thoughts.
What if I start acting happy, what will my husband think? My husband was grateful and relieved that I was being happy again. He didn't think, 'why isn't she miserable still, she should be miserable forever!' That's just ridiculous. No one likes to be around people that are sad alllllllll the time. As I became happy again we were able to get back to our 'normal' life. He wasn't always tip-toeing on egg shells around me waiting for my next meltdown. We were able to laugh again and talk about whatever we wanted to. We didn't have the white elephant in the room of 'what do we talk about now?' I think all of our husbands are happier when we are happier! Happy wife is a happy life, and ain't that the truth! haha
Will he remember how miserable he has made me? YES!!! He isn't stupid or naive. He knows the pain he has brought upon you. He see's your heart suffering and it is killing him inside. For me, realizing that my husband truly hurt from this addiction helped. That sounds awful, I know but as I learned how sad and miserable he was inside it made me realize that we both needed to heal. I wasn't the only sad and hurt one. He knows he broke my heart. My husband never wanted this addiction. He never wanted to bring it into a marriage. He never wanted to see me sob uncontrollably because of his actions. This addiction hurts our loved ones just as it hurts us. I don't think our husbands will ever forget the misery that this addiction causes. Becoming happy again does not erase their memory.
Will he think this is all ok? NO! He know's this is not ok. He knows that he has caused more pain in our lives than any other person on this planet. He knows what will happen if recovery is not acheived. Our men know that just because we become happy again doesn't mean that this doesn't still hurt. They have seen our pain and anguish and they are sorry for what they have done. Communicating to him that you are happy but that this is still not ok and that it does still hurt from time to time is also a huge recommendation of mine (future post coming soon).
Basically what I think it comes down to, whether you agree with my opinion or not, is that we cannot withhold being happy because of our husbands. My husband is in recovery and doing well for which I am very grateful. Honestly, this does make it easier to be happy. But regardless of whether your husband is doing great or is still struggling you cannot withhold your own healing. In order to more forward, in my opinion, you have to be happy again. Do not withhold your own happiness because you fear your husband will think 'this is all ok afterall, I'm off the hook.' We all have agency. Your husband is going to recover or stay addicted whether you become happy again or not. Do not let his actions rule your attitude on life. If you are ready and wanting to be happy again, DO IT! Be happy. Your husband, children, friends and YOURSELF will be so grateful!

Ask and Tell

I have always been taught and I believe that Heavenly Father knows what I want and need. We need to express what we want and need in order to get it from Him however. Heavenly Father knows us so well. He knows our hearts. He knows our deepest desires, pains, and fears. He loves us more than any of us can comprehend. I have always been taught to ask Heavenly Father through prayer for what I want and need. I was recently taught that telling Heavenly Father what we want and need is perfectly acceptable as well. This was a strange concept for me. I always did the, 'Well I'd like this, but whatever your will is would be great too,' kinda thing. Sound familiar? Anyways after hearing that I can tell Heavenly Father what I want and need I decided to give it a try. Let me tell you, it was hard. I remember my husbanda and I telling Heavenly Father what job we wanted and for us to get it. It felt strange and kind of awkward really. But we kept at it. With certain aspects in my life that I really do want and that I feel are incredibly important. I have to say that I love it now. I feel closer to Heavenly Father. I tell him what I truly need not just what I would like to happen. I know Heavenly Father can do anything. I have seen miracles in my life, small tender mercies that remind me that Heavenly Father is aware of me and that He loves me. Telling my Heavenly Father what I need rather than whatever His will is has been so eye opening to me. Of course just because we tell Him what we want/need does not mean in any way that it will happen in the time or way we expect. I encourage you, if you don't already, to try it. Tell Him when you need help. Tell Him when you need a friend, an answer, comfort, anything. Whatever it may be, tell Him. I love my Heavenly Father and know that is He is there. He loves and knows us individually. He will provide what you need in just the right moment. What a blessing it is to be able to communicate with our loving Father in Heaven. I know I personally would be very lost without it.