No fear of judgement...

I remember when I first learned of my husband's struggle with pornography. Amongst the many, many thoughts was the fear of someone thinking less of my husband if they knew. I wanted to protect him. Amidst my hurt, I still wanted to protect him. And I thought that telling no one would protect him, and myself. No one knew for a few years, and guess how far we got........eh, a stone's throw at best, if anywhere at all. Compared with the miles covered since involving select others, it was literally nowhere. I now understand the error in my thinking. This type of addiction is much more successfully overcome when involving close family or friends to one's comfort, and/or support groups. Successful to the individual for accountability and encouragement, and successful to the wife for support and perspective. The battle is uphill and steep with loose footing. However, it is worth it, oh so very worth it if both husband and wife are willing! I no longer feel the need to protect, no no, rather commend and revel in my husband's choice to not give up, to endure, to educate himself and seek help. I stand in awe at his determination to be freed from this entanglement. Whatever it took, and continues to take to not only sustain but to be anxiously engaged in good (fighting it). I am no longer shocked to hear of someone struggling with this, no matter how well I know them. In fact, if they are between the ages of 11 and 36, there's a right good chance they are, to some degree or another. I would hope that all wives would bluntly ask their husband's if they struggle with this. This may be bold, but I believe it is a responsibility/right of ours as wives. Not to mention as a mother as well. Our children are inundated by this before they even know what it is. My two year old has already seen pornography! As mothers, our concern cannot be solely focused on keepimg it away. That is impossible. It is everywhere our children go, the mall, the grocery store check out aisle, the billboards,the gas stations, media, phones, and friends. Educating them begins as soon as they can understand "good picture/bad picture" (what makes them feel yucky or confused) turn it off, and "tell mommy". The more comfortable and educated we are with this subject, the more approachable we can be as parents. Open communication from the get-go. We CAN talk about this. We NEED to talk about this.

Help

Just wanted to post about some of the things I have found to help me through this process. Writing in my journal or this blog has been good, talking WAY OPENLY with my husband, cafemom.com, the book Confronting Pornography, and NOT controlling my husband.
-Writing has been a good outlet to express my emotions and also to keep track of how I felt when others need help in the stages I have now surpassed.
-Talking openly with my husband has been most beneficial I would say. This is a tricky one because your husband also has to be willing. We have been patient at listening to each other devulge what hurts us the most. We have stayed up for hours crying and physically hurting. In the moment it is so painful but we are able to completely communicate with each other and understand where we are coming from. I understand this is beyond difficult but for me it has been SUPER beneficial.
-Someone told me about the site cafemom.com. They have a forum called "wives of porn addicts" that has been really interesting and helpful. Some stuff is totally bizarre but I just disregard and read what pertains to me. I would reccommend it though.
-My brother in law sent my husband the book Confronting Pornography and it has a portion for the spouse. SOOO beneficial. I felt like it was my EXACT situation. I would TOTALLY reccommend it. Very good insight.
-Lastly, which I think may be more difficult for some than others, is NOT controlling my husband. This is not something I can fix for him. He has to do this on his own. Me monitoring him or checking internet usage is not going to solve this. We have gotten rid of his smart phone, watch significantly less tv, and have agreed that if he has a problem he tells me that day. Otherwise he is on his own. I love and support him and talk with him frequently. He goes to group therapys and is learning other outlets in stressful moments. I hope these things can be of benefit for you and if you have found other coping mechanisms please share. Addictions can be overcome. I am truly grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that He knows the pain we have all experienced. Heavenly Father is so aware of us and wants us so badly to overcome this and teach others how to do lifewise. Satan is vicious and works in such deceitful ways! We are strong women. As we strengthen our own families we can then help others strengthen theirs.
PS do something for youself today, I'm debating between a pedi or shopping... hmm

Never ending

This scares me. I fear relapse so badly. How will I respond? Will we have to start all over? Will everything have been in vain? I want a "quick fix" so badly but it's just not an option. We are doing incredibly well right now. No viewing since the day he told me :). I am proud of him. He has been so tempted these last few days and told me that this is typically when he would fall back into viewing. (Life is stressful for us right now). He has stayed strong even when it takes everything he possibly has to avoid it. I love him and respect him so much for this. When I read stories of relapse time after time I hurt. How does this addiction truly become rid from ones life? Right now I think we are on the right track and we are, but whose to say we won't be derailed in a year or 5 years from now? I guess what I need to do is live in the now. I cannot dread the future. All I can do is be proud of him today because today was a good day. If you have any insight on this matter I would greatly appreciate it.

I know, I'm awful

Ok, so this is a little off topic but not really. I have to vent my annoyance. This has been annoying me for some time but tonight it is to the point of venting. So we have an incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY wealthy bishop. He provides many families in our ward places to live for free or pretty close it. And I sure many other things that people are unaware of. Super nice, I know.  So 2 years ago when we were first in the ward we wanted to provide Thanksgiving for someone and so we asked the Bishop. He said no one was in need so we didn't do it. We were bummed but if no one needed it what are we to do. We transferred to a student ward shortly thereafter because we didn't fit in very well in that ward. Well, recently our student ward changed boundaries and we are back to our family ward with this Bishop again. The ward is great just not a super lot of young people. So we meet with the Bishop about our pornography situation and he says he will find some good counseling and get back to us the next day. The whole interview overall was weird. He didn't seem super knowledgable and even left the meeting because his wife suspected a burglar in the neighbors home. He asked if we wanted blessings and when we said yes he said ok lets schedule it because he had another appointment. We have yet to get those blessings 2 1/2 months later. I understand he is busy but I honestly don't feel very cared about. He also asked if we would be able to afford it. We said hesitantly that we would make it work (we are in the hole thousands due to school and haven't had a job for 2 years) but this was worth it. The Bishop is loaded, he could have made us feel less stupid about our lack of money. A week goes by with no contact from him. I finally try to find my own couseling and to get it paid for the Bishop has to approve. NO ONE could get ahold of him. Not me, not my hubs, not the counseling place. BLAH! I am pretty annoyed by this point and feeling quite alone and abandoned. My husband finally found free couples therapy through his school so we went to that. So basically what I am saying is how frustrated this whole thing has been when I know that we have a VERY caring and financially sound Bishop but when it came to my time of need he was and still is no where to be found. He still has never met or asked us about how we are doing. We don't even have callings (which really annoys me). For all he knows we are getting divorced (which we're not). We're doing surpisingly well. :) So anyways now that I have vented I feel bad because I am sure he is an amazing man and helps so many. I just wish that in my desperate time of need I was watched over. Thank goodness for a husband who even though he caused the problem is so eager and ready to support me. Ugh. I hope that you have found a different experience when confronting this problem. That others have come to your rescue instead of having to find everything yourself. I am grateful for the people I did confide in who have helped me but I am quickly learning that it is something I have to do myself. No one else can do it for me.

Scripture Power

Tonight during family scripture study, one kid screaming another laughing, I actually found something helpful. In Alma 5:6-12 it talks about the hell they are going through and how they persisted. How did they persist? They had a change of heart. It really hit home for me. I don't feel like I am currently in hell but I did at the beginning and what saved me was my determination to make this work. I believe so strongly that we are given trials to learn, grow, and help others. Trials are not fun. A husbands pornography addiction is REALLY not fun, but we can do it. We are strong. We have good husbands who have a horrible addiction. Heavenly Father still loves them and He loves us. If Jesus Christ was here today, he would not shun or judge our husbands. He would love them, support them through recovery, and protect them. I want to be Christlike and do the same. It is not easy but it is worth it. Being put through this "hell" has made me realize how much I do truly love my husband. I want him to recover and heal. I want us to recover and heal. I am grateful for the inspired scriptures. I am grateful that tonight through my kids madness I was able to feel the spirit and remember that GOOD men and women were tried thousands of years ago and are still tried today. We can do this! Our husbands can overcome. We can be happy again. I hope that you will read Alma 5 and be inspired like I was tonight. I am truly grateful for the scriptures and my testimony in such a time of need.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.

I'll call myself Jane

I came across this blog in the search for a blog directed towards women like me.  I desperately needed to "meet" someone else who understood the things I've been struggling with. 

I was married in the temple to a chaste return missionary with no previous struggles with pornography or self-gratification. (I'll refer to him as Pete.) We have both had callings in presidencies and attended the temple regularly.  We have children and strong testimonies. 

My husband's struggle with pornography began a few years into our marriage when he traveled frequently for work.  It became worse when a work promotion required him to have a cell phone with internet service.  Fortunately we have found ways to help with this.  On his iPhone I have used a passcode to disable YouTube, Safari and iTunes.  He can still access his email and some other permitted apps.  When traveling he locks the t.v. remote in the safe provided in his room. 

We still suffer setbacks, he has episodes of weakness and unfortunately I usually respond with episodes of anger and hopelessness.  But through our faith and love for eachother we believe that we can overcome this. 

I found another one

Last night I found another one. Another victim that is. My very best friend in the whole world. I mean VERY best friend. She and her husband have been dealing with this for 3-4 years without me knowing whatsoever. I confided in her the day after I found out about my own situation and she finally confided in me last night that she has been dealing with this for some time. My heart broke for her. She is strong and more than amazing and I am the first one she has ever and may possibly ever tell. I love this girl so much (words literally cannot describe) and I respect her and her husband a LOT, to say the least. Her husband is an amazing man who has and does accomplish much good. They are incredibly faithful people and no one in a billion years would ever guess something like pornography could invade their lives. It made me realize that this disease can and will find anyone. It is affecting so many and we don't even realize it. I want so badly to be brave and tell everyone what I am dealing with so that they to can overcome and know that they are not alone, if perhaps they are ensnared. My heart breaks for how rampant this problem is even among righteous honorable men. No one is exempt. As women we can support, love, and forgive our amazing husbands. I know that my relationship has grown immensely with my husband. This is something that will forever change our lives. I wish this upon NO ONE, but if you have found yourself as the victim, you are not alone and we will be better because of this.