Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Let Change Happen
The other day a random thought popped into my head and I knew I wanted to blog about it. So I have always struggled with this problem of wanting change but not allowing change to actually happen. I think women in general, me for sure, suffer with this problem. We like wallowing in our pity. We want people to feel bad for us, while we pretend it's all ok, even though it's not. Do you know what I'm talking about? Hopefully. Anyways, I have learned through this trial that when I want things to change in my life I have to be willing to let them. This is harder than it sounds people. I have to embrace the change, welcome it. Stop wallowing in your pain. Stop wanting it to change but secretly wanting to suffer as well. Cry when you need to. Hurt when you need to. It is necessary and ok. But allow change to occur and allow yourself to be happy again. It's ok to be happy again after horrible heartbreak. And it's ok to relapse these emotions as well. I am learning to allow change to occur and I am so much happier. It's fun to be happy!! haha Remember those days? Well let them in again, LET THEM IN! I hope you allow change to legitimately happen in your life. It will be a wonderful blessing in your life. Happiness is... well.... happy! :)
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It bothers my husband that I talk about relapse as such a definite thing. He's determined to stay 100% clean just to prove to me that relapse isn't a guaranteed thing. Whatever works, right? ;) Anyway, I've been working hard on myself so that I can be happy and be okay and deal well with relapse if it happens. I'll be disappointed, and I'll let myself be disappointed, but my goal is to be happy in general. I'm not sure I really wallow and want people to feel bad for me. I think I just want it to go away.
ReplyDeleteI want it to go away too. And sometimes I want to wallow in it for a while as well. Then, as my mom would say, "it's time to buck up and get on with it." I'm struggling quite a bit with the "change" that openly (sort of - meaning we talk about it but nobody knows) acknowledging my husbands two decade plus porn addiction has brought. It just kind of hangs there all the time. Try as I might to dodge the elephant in the room, I just keep walking into it. Relapse isn't an option in my house. We have already been there and done that over the course of our long married life. If he relapses again, it's a deal breaker. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sort of "not if, but when." I won't let myself get close to him again because I don't want my heart to break so much again. I hold back. I'm kind and then I'm not. I love him and then I don't. I wish he would disappear and then I am happy he is there. I continue to go through the motions of my life doing all that I know to be right and true. Enjoying my children, my job, my friends but then WACK there it is again. Not relapse that I know of, but the fear of it. I saw a picture of myself the other day and was shocked at how sad I looked even though I was smiling. The last relapse was many months ago and yet I just can't let go of the fear of what I will HAVE to do if he relapses. Fear! One of Satan's greatest tools and yet...I don't know how to let go of it!
DeleteWell...thanks for letting me vent. If you have words of wisdom, I'm all ears.
Thank you for commenting. I really do appreciate it! It is soo hard to love again, to let life be 'normal' again but in my opinion I don't think this will ever get better if you don't put your full faith and heart into it. We all may get burned once more, 10 times more, or possibly never again. If we don't put our full effort into this recovery you won't fully recover. Heavenly Father knows your heart. Figure out what you want and do your best to achieve it. Someone once told me, "You can't just pray for something from Heavenly Father. You have to proactively do your best to acheive it as well." This is uncomfortable. We are so vulnerable and it's scary. Life can become good again but only if we are willing to let it be good again. Put your whole effort in, otherwise this isn't going to work. And as a side note, this is obviously your call and I don't know your circumstances but if this has gone on for 2 decades it may take more than a few months to be perfect again. Him knowing that relapse is a deal breaker may create secrecy. My husband has relapsed and it sucks but he tells me and we strive to do better the next day. These men don't want to relapse, it pains them just as much as us. No one is perfect. Give them credit for honesty and true effort. Best of luck to us all.
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