new blog

So as not to "take over" this blog with too many posts I've started posting on my own blog. 

http://www.hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/

I hope we can build a network of loving sisters sharing in this struggle.

Thanks friends!

Step 2

Tonight was such a great addiction recovery meeting. So many shared great insight. My insight was this. I am truly grateful for the gospel. I am so grateful for my testimony to help me overcome this trial. What a blessing the Atonement is and the fact that I can use it is so empowering to me. My heart aches for the women and men enduring this plague without the gospel. We should be truly grateful for what we have and USE what we have. Use the Atonement, rely on your Heavenly Father, give Him your burden, He will and does watch over and bless you. Another thought I had was shared this evening from our hometeachers. They talked about President Uchtdorfs talk about airplane turbulence and how young pilots want to speed the plane up in order to get out of it. However, it is a better option to slow the plane down. I have found through this trial I want to speed up and rid this from my life. However, what am I learning and who can I help because of this? These are things I want to work on for myself. Helping others, learning from others, becoming better. I hope these thoughts will help you. I have been so touched by the women I have met through addiction recovery meetings, blogging, and other forums. What amazing people they are. Life is hard but they are managing. They are healing. The Lord is blessing them. Look for the tender mercies in your life. They are more abundant than you would think. "Count your many blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord has done."

Forgiveness after Relapse

Pete's week of travel did not end well.  His last night away he stayed in a hotel with no safe, and during the middle of the night he relented to temptation.  The next morning, hours before he was to return home, he texted me his confession. 

Of course I was angry and hurt.  I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks.  At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was.  But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me.  The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened.  As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him. 

Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal.  We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his.  I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me.  I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point.  This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me.  I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.

Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment.  I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him.  I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson. 

The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it.  My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start".  Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging.  Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future. 

I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me.  It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone.  But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation.  It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and ulitimately it will save my marriage.

H.A.L.T.

I mentioned earlier that Pete decided to tell his dad about his addiction, and doing so has been so helpful.  His dad shared with us the acronym H.A.L.T.  It stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired."  These are the psychological/emotional "places" where temptation most often occurs.  Looking back I can see how it is true, not just for my husband but for me as well. 

Pete is out of town this week at a training.  All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails.  One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely.  His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling.  Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed.  This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one.  After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan.  He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there.  When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels.  By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again.  Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it. 

Travel is so hard.  It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry.  It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur.  But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.

Step 1

Step 1 is honesty. Basically admitting that you cannot do this alone and that you need God's help. Thinking about honesty in all aspects of life is actually interesting to me. For some reason society has been instilled with the idea that being honest is hard and embarrassing. However, how many times have you found yourself avoiding the truth and then when you finally admit the truth you feel so much better and it can finally get resolved? Honesty in every aspect of life is so important but especially when recovering from an addiction. It is so important to be honest with ourselves and our loved one. Honesty can hurt sometimes but I have found that it is so much better because what was hidden can now start to be solved. God knows exactly what we are feeling and what we are doing regardless if we tell Him or not. Wouldn't it be so much better to just be honest and admit our true feelings and actions? He wants to help us and He will when we are honest about our feelings and actions. I personally stew for a long time before I admit how I am feeling. It typically ends in a large meltdown. This meltdown could be so avoidable if I would just admit my feelings in the moment and resolve them with myself or whomever it involves. This is something I personally am going to work on. No more meltdowns! haha maybe, atleast I am going to do my best. May we all be a little more honest with ourselves, our emotions and our actions. It really is happier and easier to live life that way.

Life is just Hard

Life is just hard and stressful for us right now. We're graduating from law school, don't have a job, have LOTS of student loans, and are overcoming addiction just to start the list. My husband is doing amazing. It is hard but he is so strong and determined to overcome this evil in his life. I am proud of how far he has come in a short amount of time. Life, however, is still hard for us right now. Something that is really bothering me right now is intimacy. Therefore I will blog about it. Oh what this world has turned to. Blogging from the unknown to the unknown about such personal issues. haha weird... Anyways so I feel like our relationship is good when we are intimate on a VERY regular basis. This annoys me. Why can't life be great even when were not being intimate. This has been a struggle our whole marriage but I guess now I am actually determined to fix it. It's just frustrating. Ugh. Thanks for listening I guess. I just wish life was easy sometimes. But it's not. It's not suppose to be. We have had to completely turn our lives to the Lord and it is hard. But I know that if we will be patient we will be blessed. We already are enormously blessed for which I am very grateful. Life will get better. It has to.

Service

Step number 12 in the addiction recovery program is Service. I have always enjoyed providing service to others because it really does make you feel better when you give to others. I have found even more meaning to service in the last few months. I have had many serve me with kind words, encouragement, and pure listening to which I am very grateful! I have found that through sharing my trial and "story" with a select few I have really been able to have an impact on their life and what they are dealing with. I have been able to show my neighbor that we are not the "perfect mormon family" next door. We are happy and love life and each other, however we are enduring great adversity right now. I think it was very eye opening to her to realize that we all are given trials yet we can still be happy while overcoming them. I also was able to encourage my mom to get counseling herself. She experienced a very traumatic event finding my brother nearly dead in her kitchen years ago. She needs counselling but is unwilling. Since I have now attended my own therapy I was able to explain to her how helpful it can be. I feel blessed to be an example to others even if their trial isn't necessarily pornography. I also very much appreciate the example of women I know who are living wonderful lives amidst the trial that has been put into their lives. Wife J I know very well and she continues to amaze me, seriously. I wish you could all know her personally. She, her husband, and family are amazing people and do so much good for others. I owe a lot to her for her example to me. I have a strong testimony of service and the good it can provide to you in your life as well and the good it provides to others. In times of heartache I find it even more rewarding and hope we can all improve on serving those around us. Whether it is a smile, a hello, sharing your story, or a thoughtful note it will be recognized and very much appreciated.

12 Step

Man, life is busy huh? Wowee! Anyways the hubs and I finally got ourselves to the LDS 12 step addiction recovery meetings. It went better than I expected. The hubs enjoyed it as well. But back to me :). So I went and it was very interesting and touching to hear from other women dealing with this. I was impressed at what some of these women have endured. It felt good to go and share my testimony of how aware Heavenly Father is of us. He loves us and is blessing us even when we feel lost and alone. My husband and I have had to completely turn to the Lord and put our complete trust in Him. It is hard but also so comforting at the same time. I know that our life will go the direction it is suppose to as long as we continue to do our best and trust in our Heavenly Father. I would highly encourage the LDS recovery meetings. I was nervous to go but made instant friends. It is definitely a place I never wanted or thought I would be but it was good. Finding resources and others for support, as mentioned in previous posts, has been super beneficial in my recovery. I feel like a stronger women and have a stronger marriage from a trial that I thought 3 months ago would ruin my life and family. I am proud of the strength I have gained and hope that I can pass it on.

I second that

I wanted to write my thoughts in support of the message Wife J shared about sharing.  Pete struggled for two or three years with just me and the Bishop aware of his problem, and it was getting worse.  After a frustrating couple of weeks we hadn't been speaking much to each other for a few days.  When we finally sat down to talk about it I told him that I felt it was time for him to talk to his dad, who is also a bishop.  He said he had been having that same thought.  It was a testament to me that even when we aren't behaving the way we should (Pete was giving in to temptation and I was angry) the Lord blesses us with promptings from the Holy Ghost to help us, because he loves us. 

My husband did discuss it with his dad.  It was painful and terrifying but his father was completely understanding and compassionate.  Just like Wife J, since that time he has made tremendous progress.  I also have felt as if I'm not bearing this burden alone.  Before, I felt tremendous pressure to be constantly supportive to Pete.  Now I know that when I am feeling weak, he can turn to his dad for additional encouragement and support.  His dad has given him blessings and calls him to check-in on a regular basis.  He asks him direct questions and makes him accountable, all the while being loving and kind. 

I am so grateful for my father-in-law's help.  I hope that every couple can find other friends or family members to help them along the way.  I am also grateful that Pete and I were able to listen to the promptings we felt and act on them even though we were both afraid to do so.